02-12-2017, 06:18 AM
Some resonating and dissonance on my part to your post.
I was bothered by the word unconscious used to describe me, but now feel it may be appropriate in the context I now am understanding, especially since looking up the definition of unconscious and reapplying it in a way I feel you meant (being unaware of).
Beyond those remarks, give me time to ...Not so easily defend against your suggestions, to let down my shell and take it in. It's not that I feel insult, but it is truly cognitive dissonance, where I shake my head and say 'naw, I don't think that...' then pause and realize I don't know and recognize myself making excuses or so quickly shrugging off or ignoring something that may apply to me more so than I'm willing to admit.
Or, I guess I'm asking you to give me time to work around an indigo chakra blockage of denial and to take deeply into consideration what you have said to me.
I will just say, I consider myself lucky to be spared most of the trauma I can only imagine upon others and do not consider myself in any way 'severely' traumatized. Most of my suffering is of a spiritual sense, my mind and body might not know the sensation of trauma, but the feelings I've had in some way indicate the sense of trauma. I don't know what distortions and karmic patterns I hold within myself from the past, but I think my tie for trauma has come and gone, and will only reappear should it need be necessary.
Your observation of my lack of trauma tells me it's somewhat obvious of me, still, I don't want that to make my experiences any less legitimate than another's...
I can imagine being treated against by racism, sexism, I can apply the sensation and imagine the twistedness of their sensations when utilized in other areas I might not be susceptible to, such as being racially profiled the way hispanics, african americans, jewish and islamic individuals are. But I can still put my self in their shoes in my mind, and imagine the levels of suffering. I might not know what they are truly, but I know I too can experience those depths of pain, and that to me is enough to empathize with them.
Maybe that's hurtful or inconsiderate, to say I can imagine what it's like to be raped from a woman's perspective, or to be assaulted by police from a black man's perspective, despite being a white male. I don't think that's fair though. I mean no harm, I want to understand, I just don't want to get...All scarred up in the process. Maybe that's selfish, but I find responses of compassion can be selfish.
I look at everyone and tell myself, that there is a human being, equipped with many tools as I, similar in paradoxically dissimilar ways. A formation of an extension of myself.
Their pain and suffering is my own. My pain and suffering is theirs.
If I can't be capable of that because I haven't known the same trauma as them, then I see no reason to bother trying to sympathize with others any further if it's in some way become socially an insult over the last few years.
I don't recall having any vivid or clear memory during my being raped, the entire experience is mostly a blurred sequence of events pretty much summed up as one moment things were happening, then the next everything was done, and afterwards I was pretty hazy, like I had just come out of some kind of psychedelically enhanced meditation that was really intense and disorienting. I recall not even thinking anything of the incident until a couple years ago when I was discussing it with someone else. I had begun to wonder too, because as things seemed innocent enough back then, the memories and experiences are resoundingly effecting me presently. I now and then have sexual urges to experiment with men because of those experiences, it was an intense one, it was how I lost my virginity, and as a first intense sexual experience, it's somewhat imprinted upon me... But of it, the warning signs seem obvious now. He never cared about me as a friend, he was doing drugs and alcohol back then (we weren't even 13 yet), only ever wanted me to hang out so he could get some sexual gratification out of it. I thought it was all normal, and my romantic relationships now suffer from this echoing in myself. He talked me into it, and pretty much made me his plaything.
And that's not even mentioning the girl in my childhood who did similar things to me.
But I try to just keep the experiences in a positive light... I try not to even step into the darker views of how those experiences might have effected me.
Just know, I think my trauma is shallow and empty in comparison to some others, but it is still none the less, trauma.
...
Similarly, I think some minimal level of desire to suffering might be healthy for some people. We certainly have masochists who find healing in inflicting suffering on themselves. I just think, the want for suffering has it's uses. Excessive use of it is extremely bad though, but sometimes the want to suffer can lead one right up to the door of their soul, with a place mat at the foot of the door with the words, 'Why, Welcome Home', and a sincere want to knock at that door to the soul, open it, step through it, and discover the light of the self through the darknesses of their sufferings, and discover why they are suffering, why they want to suffer. Why they've lost respect for themselves.
I found my recent depth of emotional turmoil, explored and admitted here, and not suppressed, in tandem with everyone love and support, has been helpful in working out these things.
I don't think I'm Jobe, or suffering in unimaginative or unusual ways.
But I don't write myself completely off either.
I'm trying to find a balance that works for me, you know?
I was bothered by the word unconscious used to describe me, but now feel it may be appropriate in the context I now am understanding, especially since looking up the definition of unconscious and reapplying it in a way I feel you meant (being unaware of).
Beyond those remarks, give me time to ...Not so easily defend against your suggestions, to let down my shell and take it in. It's not that I feel insult, but it is truly cognitive dissonance, where I shake my head and say 'naw, I don't think that...' then pause and realize I don't know and recognize myself making excuses or so quickly shrugging off or ignoring something that may apply to me more so than I'm willing to admit.
Or, I guess I'm asking you to give me time to work around an indigo chakra blockage of denial and to take deeply into consideration what you have said to me.
I will just say, I consider myself lucky to be spared most of the trauma I can only imagine upon others and do not consider myself in any way 'severely' traumatized. Most of my suffering is of a spiritual sense, my mind and body might not know the sensation of trauma, but the feelings I've had in some way indicate the sense of trauma. I don't know what distortions and karmic patterns I hold within myself from the past, but I think my tie for trauma has come and gone, and will only reappear should it need be necessary.
Your observation of my lack of trauma tells me it's somewhat obvious of me, still, I don't want that to make my experiences any less legitimate than another's...
I can imagine being treated against by racism, sexism, I can apply the sensation and imagine the twistedness of their sensations when utilized in other areas I might not be susceptible to, such as being racially profiled the way hispanics, african americans, jewish and islamic individuals are. But I can still put my self in their shoes in my mind, and imagine the levels of suffering. I might not know what they are truly, but I know I too can experience those depths of pain, and that to me is enough to empathize with them.
Maybe that's hurtful or inconsiderate, to say I can imagine what it's like to be raped from a woman's perspective, or to be assaulted by police from a black man's perspective, despite being a white male. I don't think that's fair though. I mean no harm, I want to understand, I just don't want to get...All scarred up in the process. Maybe that's selfish, but I find responses of compassion can be selfish.
I look at everyone and tell myself, that there is a human being, equipped with many tools as I, similar in paradoxically dissimilar ways. A formation of an extension of myself.
Their pain and suffering is my own. My pain and suffering is theirs.
If I can't be capable of that because I haven't known the same trauma as them, then I see no reason to bother trying to sympathize with others any further if it's in some way become socially an insult over the last few years.
I don't recall having any vivid or clear memory during my being raped, the entire experience is mostly a blurred sequence of events pretty much summed up as one moment things were happening, then the next everything was done, and afterwards I was pretty hazy, like I had just come out of some kind of psychedelically enhanced meditation that was really intense and disorienting. I recall not even thinking anything of the incident until a couple years ago when I was discussing it with someone else. I had begun to wonder too, because as things seemed innocent enough back then, the memories and experiences are resoundingly effecting me presently. I now and then have sexual urges to experiment with men because of those experiences, it was an intense one, it was how I lost my virginity, and as a first intense sexual experience, it's somewhat imprinted upon me... But of it, the warning signs seem obvious now. He never cared about me as a friend, he was doing drugs and alcohol back then (we weren't even 13 yet), only ever wanted me to hang out so he could get some sexual gratification out of it. I thought it was all normal, and my romantic relationships now suffer from this echoing in myself. He talked me into it, and pretty much made me his plaything.
And that's not even mentioning the girl in my childhood who did similar things to me.
But I try to just keep the experiences in a positive light... I try not to even step into the darker views of how those experiences might have effected me.
Just know, I think my trauma is shallow and empty in comparison to some others, but it is still none the less, trauma.
...
Similarly, I think some minimal level of desire to suffering might be healthy for some people. We certainly have masochists who find healing in inflicting suffering on themselves. I just think, the want for suffering has it's uses. Excessive use of it is extremely bad though, but sometimes the want to suffer can lead one right up to the door of their soul, with a place mat at the foot of the door with the words, 'Why, Welcome Home', and a sincere want to knock at that door to the soul, open it, step through it, and discover the light of the self through the darknesses of their sufferings, and discover why they are suffering, why they want to suffer. Why they've lost respect for themselves.
I found my recent depth of emotional turmoil, explored and admitted here, and not suppressed, in tandem with everyone love and support, has been helpful in working out these things.
I don't think I'm Jobe, or suffering in unimaginative or unusual ways.
But I don't write myself completely off either.
I'm trying to find a balance that works for me, you know?