I am in hell

[sjel]

Let us know you are still alive, so we can continue helping you to be so.

nothing-torture is worse than physical torture. torture of nothing, wasting away by sideways facing people, no one looks directly at you. if it continues to be nothing, i will go lay on the train tracks. it feels as if the universe does the minimum possible to keep me going, and as soon as i stop going, the universe gives me only just enough love to make me get up again, and then completely and utterly ignores me again. this is worse than death, worse than anything. this is like the torturer who feeds and waters his prisoner just enough so that he might continue his torture on a live prisoner.

even now i have that little glimmer of hope that comes after reaching the lowest relative point on your emotional sine wave graph. but i do not trust it. i do not trust hope, i must not be tricked by hope. i genuinely feel as if my guides are laughing at me. my friends in astral space laughing at me. they do not look at me except to laugh directly in my face, like a parent might laugh at a child throwing a tantrum. 'haha! so cute, he thinks he's in pain!'

when i think about my inner advice it is always vague and comes from the mouths of entities with no eyes and no intelligence, they move sideways so that they never come close to me. the advice comes from my little ego, where is the ego-less? why is my ego the biggest i can perceive, and then there is nothing, a blank void beyond that.

this is beginnning fourth density? this is hell, and i am supposedly 'seeking.' what of those who sleep altogether. all humans will awaken? how? how will i even awaken. the neighbor's dog barks in lonely frustration. i cannot help, you, dog, i am just like you.