Being institutionalized.

[polyn]

Hey,

I'm deeply touched by your lifestory c_a, because it echoes in me.
Let alone the metaphysical part, there are resources that can help you accepting and understanding yourself and the way your mind works as an autist. 2 of my friends are Asperger's and I thought I was on the spectrum too. I've been reading Daniel Tammet, Josef Schovanec and various blogs from autistics adults (because the problem is, often we talk much more of the autistic children than of the adults and the difficulties they have to find their place in our societal strucure).

I think you should get professional help. Maybe not being institutionalized first but try to reach to a psychiatrist. One that fits, with whom you're at ease (and it's OK to try a few at first), the experience can be good. I've been crippled with anxieties/phobia for a while now and each one (therapy) has been interesting, I've learned a lot about myself. Because it gives you a mirror/different perspective (even if you think you have reviewed everything a bazillion times in you're head) and a support. I emphasize on the support part. Morally, because it's a relief to have someone, face to face, that understand the pain, validate it. And he probably can give you some advice regarding social services. (I live in France so it's probably a lot different in the US)

But if you feel you can't take it anymore, flirting with dark or suicidal ideas and need a break. Yes, go to the psychiatric emergencies.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have other members of family that you have a good relashionship with ? You mentioned your father ?

I join the others in saying you're not alone... We'll get there.