Being institutionalized.

[loveallbeings]

I want my autism label to be transmuted in my mind from one of constriction to one of freedom, I think it's going to take some time since I still only recently had confirmation of being autistic.

Ra says mental illnesses are symptoms of an inability to face the self.  How am I supposed to translate my Autism with this in mind?  What portion of my self am I unable to view and synthesize with?  Is it the dark monstrous sides of my shadow self?  Is it my full potential to be all things?  Is it some small little bias of mine?

Thats true. Its all bullshit these labels, I was diagnosed with autism, depression and psychosis. What does any of that mean? The depression is a result of repression which is an unconscious refusal to face myself, the face the darker aspects of my psyche, to face my buried trauma. The psychosis is a direct reflection of that, entities need dark areas of the psyche to inhabit, they can't survive in the light. The light is consciousness, awareness, self awareness. Darkness is a lack of self awareness. It doesn't depend on your perspective now, it could be from when you were a little kid, something you viewed as too traumatic and unbearable to live with, you banished it to the subconscious. When it surfaces and you look at it with new eyes it can be instantly accepted, brought into the light and transmuted because its no longer so scary and unbearable to live with. I can't find the original quote so heres a quote about a quote:

In Shulgin’s book “Pihkal,” he describes the interaction of a patient taking ecstasy and the clinician. The patient’s mother had died while giving birth to her, and she had lived her entire life with the guilt of having been given life at the cost of another’s life. She had not made progress with other practitioners, but once on ecstasy asked “Is it okay to be alive?” The response “You bet your sweet ass…” and the uninhibited state caused by the drug were enough to lead to the patient’s own affirmation and come to peace with her personal experience 2.

Along with these mental effects, and also beneficial in a therapeutic setting, users experience an abatement of hostility and insecurity 1. In this way, too, they are better able to think about experiences in novel ways. For example, one woman has publicly described her experience of taking ecstasy with her husband, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Although they have fought continuously since his diagnosis, while under the influence of ecstasy they were able to openly discuss all the problems they were having and came to terms with each issue that had arisen with the cancer. Without the hostility and negative emotions that had surrounded their previous arguments, they were able to discuss and consider the issues more effectively. According to her they achieved a sense of peace while on the drug, and never fought again

It could be something innocent and child like from when you were a kid, or it could be deep, dark and ugly things. When I was under assault from entities, I was traveling around California at the time and met this woman, she'd been in the MK ULTRA program as a kid, and every morning, intense dark stuff would surface, the trauma and terror she felt as a kid, it was all coming out and with it the memories were coming back. It could be more recent deep, dark and ugly things that you have forgotten. Thats what it is in my case. I have a big scar on my forehead and no memory of how I got it, I just remember sitting on the ground when the paramedics showed up, I pulled out my ID and while looking down big blotches of blood hitting the ground. It wasn't the physical accident that was bothering me, it was something that happened before it, the physical injury was a relief because it was a joke in comparison to the emotional pain I was in. And I remember my memory of the incident was fading away and as it did I was feeling better and better. But I knew that it wasn't gonna go anywhere, what happened happened and I can never really forget it even though I might lose conscious awareness of it. I woke up the next morning in a hospital bed covered in blood with no memory of what happened and I felt great, I forgot what was troubling me so deeply. But it didn't go away

What is so hard to view that it has warped me with extra distortion of the mind?  I see myself as a beautiful portion of the Creator, I see myself as embodying portions of the darkness, I see the devil inside of my self, I get there is darkness in me as a being of infinity, as a Wanderer I get I've done some dope deep and possibly incredibly dark and disturbing things.

Yet I can face my mother each day and tell her I love her when she heads off to work.  I can befriend an ex who I hated in jealousy.  I can even forgive the mother of my child for taking him away from me.  I'm a pretty damn loving and kind person, so what am I so afraid of???

Its what you don't see. After a series of failed exorcism like experiences on ayahuasca I became more repressed than ever before, the repression went to a level way deeper than whats comfortable, it became suffocating. It wasn't the first experience, or the second that caused it. It was the 4th. I saw myself going numb during the ceremonies, when the exorcism would start, I stopped feeling emotions, I felt no fear despite it being my deepest childhood fear (possession). After the 4th cermeony I haven't been able to feel fear. And with the fear blocked, my heart got blocked too. This is what humanity is up against, a large percentage of humanity is traumatized and have big dark areas of their psyche that have split off and become like autonomous entities. Thats what bad karma is. Its usually childhood events. Things that happened when we were incapable of dealing with such extreme experiences. Its not necessarily what you did, it could be things that were done to you, but its what you chose to do with the experience that creates the darkness, not everyone represses it, not everyone can repress it (many people would if they could). I get the sense this is bidding done by dark entities. They offer repression. Relief from suffering at the expense of self awareness. Its manipulation of free will, its our free will to repress it or be with it.

I think I'm a unique tier of weird, I'm not 'weirder' or less weird than others, I'm just a special kind of unique that is unique to even unique groups, one of those really odd people with a very pronounced personality that makes you sort of step back and go 'hrmm, that person sure is eccentric, he's weeirrd, hrmmmmm...'

I get the idea that we can heal anything, but the facts do not support the...Probability of this happening.  It's a very specific, unique, and deep spiritual progression to begin a deep metaphysical healing of the physical vehicle akin to the healing at the energetic level.  In order to heal a mental illness, you'd need to deprogram the causes in the energetic body and that isn't exactly something you do by just thinking it, you need to manifest it, and manifesting something is much much more complicated than 'thinking it into existence'.

Anything outside the bounds of what someone considers to be acceptably "normal" is considered "weird". What is weird? None of that occurs to me anymore, everyones unique whether they want to accept that or not. Some people are unique in ways that are so far beyond whats considered normal that they stand out, others are unique in ways that are accepted as "normal" by society so they have the option of falling into the herd, and thats a hard temptation to resist, nobody wants to be an outcast until they realize that being "normal" is not what it appears to be, its being confined to a small box which constricts your ability to live and be.

So much more goes into the process of self-creation.  The self-perpetuation of specific external patterns to become aware of their internal presence is no simple matter.  Mere meditation doesn't do it, creating reality is a magic of sorts, Work in Consciousness, and I have to say, I am not a magical adept personality, I have no desire to enter the insane realms of magic, I just want to occasionally shift my reality to be more positive.  It shouldn't be so hard to spread positivity heh.

Why do you feel I'm cut off?? I've some opinions of the discarnate entities methods of interaction with the tangible, especially in regards to the Higher Self who I think is a very im/personal type of entity, encompassing aspects of myself and many others both like and completely unlike myself.  The Higher Self is no simple discussion topic o:

Only when you accept yourself can be a lighthouse, a force of radiant positivity that shines light into the lives of all those around you. Only when you love yourself are you that. Someone who truly loves themselves is a lighthouse that guides those lost in the dark home. Negative entities are so cut off from themselves that having the light of awareness shone upon themselves is a horrifying prospect, so they seek to drag all beings down to the depths of darkness from where they reside. Their path is the path of denial. Denial of reality. Only a being in denial of reality can do evil unto others without feeling the harm they caused others as harm they have caused themselves. You can see it in yourself, have you ever made a mistake and feel terrible about yourself for it, and during that time positivity pisses you off? Someone who has done truly terrible things and has chosen to deny it all, then the light, reality, positivity, love becomes a perceived threat to their existence. The more self aware we become, the more aware of the lack of separation between self and other self we become. Empathy is awareness of this lack of separation, we feel the emotions of others. Someone with extreme empathy, any harm they cause to others, they'll feel it directly as harm done to themselves. I used to fight to survive as a teenager and I was really good at it, but I quickly learned that its better to lose the fight than to win, when I lost the fight I would hurt physically for a few days. When I won I would hurt emotionally for weeks knowing the damage I did to the other persons self esteem. It was lose lose but I could only perceive that due to empathy. Some of the other kids were cold and callous and would mock me for being so kind and respectful to the other person after I won the fight. I don't know if they're born that way, or if its childhood trauma that makes them that way, but as a kid I saw that not all kids had the same empathy and compassion I did. And the ones that lacked the empathy and compassion lacked a certain kind of awareness.

Have you tried holotropic breathing? I can feel my chakra blockages when I do it, and intense things happen. This fear, terror, and non human emotions come up. The non human emotions, thats pretty concerning, I get this horror film feeling, no other way to describe it. Its not painful, but its unsettling, its a feeling of something unholy and bad. When you're backed into a corner fear doesn't matter anymore, you have no choice but to face it. That was what people didn't know back when I was a teenager, why I was an animal in fights. When you corner a dog, the dog fights with everything its got cuz thats the only way outta the corner. I can never accept becoming evil so theres only one way outta this corner.