Being institutionalized.

[Aion]

You have been defensive from the start because you want to do anything to protect your misery, it is your comfort zone.

No, I don't think you can be helped, because you don't want to get out of it. You are perfectly content to sit in your misery.

It's not any mysterious, confusing or weird, bizarre state you're in. You're not some abnormal alien who just is too different to fit in. You're depressed and you are acting the way all depressed people act. I know, because I've dealt with depression for most of my life and you look exactly how I look when I get in to my episodes.

I also know because of that experience that no matter how I encourage you, you won't respond to it, because you have eyes only for your self-hatred. I know exactly what that is like. "Taking responsibility is nice and all, and yet every time I do its like creation conspires to shut that s*** dooown." No, no, it does not. You shut it down when you give up on it. Again, you're just blaming 'the universe' when things don't work out how you want them to.

So lets do an exercise. Lets redesign your life, I want you to give me an idea of what a 'successful' upbringing or path through life looks like?

The problem you have (from my perspective), and like most people who go metaphysically insane, is you're so stuck in your mind that you think that all of the ideal states you see there can be applied to the physical body, but there's a reason we have to differentiate between the physical and metaphysical, between the ideal and the actual, between the archetype and the manifestation. I can't, for the life of me, understand all these individuals who perceive higher realities and why they seem to be so upset that it's 'not like that here'. Duh, it's not supposed to be.