The world, environment just feels poisonous, nonstop. And now I am poisonous myself.

[sjel]

Meditate, sjel.  I know it seems like a catch-all.  But you are asking questions about yourself that, if they were easy to answer in a waking state of mind, you'd already have answered.  You correctly wish to interrogate your behavior and desires; you simply need to call upon all of your resources to do so in a balanced, deep manner.  By meditating you practice slowing down enough to start seeing yourself and understanding yourself so that changes come from a new way of seeing yourself, not just blaming yourself for being poisonous which, whether correct or not, accomplishes nothing!  By seeing yourself in a new way, by seeing how the same hurt in you manifests in others as well and gives you a bond with them, you'll start to naturally change your behavior.  But what I suggest is adopting a genuine curiosity about yourself and pursuing meditation, not with the mindset of overcoming your bad qualities, but with being inquisitive about yourself and wondering why and what else is possible.  Good luck, brother.

I do meditate every day for 30 minutes. I feel quite nothing right now. Simultaneously hateful and loving, somehow?

*sending emerald green, healing light to illuminate you and your path*

Thank you very much. I don't know what that does though. I feel lifeless. Nothing matters, literally. One moment extremely suicidal, but then that fades away because it is just an emotion, and emotions don't matter?