07-29-2017, 05:48 AM
It's difficult right now to keep switching between "believing" and "disbelieving" because "believing" is what got me in trouble.. I wish I could step back into myself back then - knowing what I know now, but that doesn't seem possible, but when I was in that state, I was so certain about everything & so loving of the whole world, of everything, of all that is.. I felt the oneness, hugged-by-life, everything was perfect (and it wasn't that 'everything was perfect', but I saw the grand-design as it's explained in the law-of-one and I understood & felt it's perfection... and that once it had clicked, I hoped that it would 'click' for others too, that noone need to experience any kind of 'suffering' anymore).
Fast forward 3 years and now when I read the Law of One, I really resonate, but I don't have that same "knowing" that I had before, everything is always up for doubt/contemplation, and the only feeling is that "there's some kind of underlying resonance but it was like that catalyst was "proof" to me that "that's not how you are supposed to live" - like a wake-up call from the universe saying "wrong path" - if you live that way - you will be harmed, and go insane.
While there are so many benefits that I've received over the past 3 years since this transpired, as in from trying to understand and shadow work and "keeping small & away from everyone", I'm a lot more grounded now, a lot more "the observer" rather than the "player" .. it's hard to find compassion or understanding for others, and there's no more 'joy'... and that was a big part of "what made me, me", my identity to the world. And I scrutinize everything, I never stop searching for answers for how that transpired. Hardest catalyst I've ever had to face is when I was so certain that everything was perfect and could be accepted hehe.. how's that for irony
It was the best and life is really kind of empty without that certainty.
Honestly the weirdest thing is how I was 'so certain' & how magical life was in that state (and how delusional it was coming down from it when I was "trying NOT to believe it because "I" must be crazy, (but how do you undo everything you believe) and not being able to find anywhere to 'land' my feet because it was everything that I believed - all my 'truth's - that was 'up for trial'.
Now I see others who are like, "over-powering" and I think - crap, was that what I was like? I did not see myself as that, but when I see it in others, I think - omg, I can't believe that was me?
Anyway, I know there is more to it, but when listening to that podcast about the opening of the energies too soon and it making people go nuts... I thought, maybe that's what happened (even though there are 'mainstream' ways of seeing it after-the-fact.. when I was "in it", it felt cosmic.. like, not mainstream). That the 'mainstream fears' was just how it played out "after" something cosmic or quantum transpired (especially cos I was messing with my 'lid' of beliefs at the time - it's like I got what I wanted and I wasn't ready to see what unfolded).
This forum post is just an inch compared to the mile of experiences that transpired within a few months. I'm curious about the connection to the kundalini-awakening (I was never a kundalini believer... but when I was searching for 'what the heck happened to me'... I had all the same symptoms as that (except the snake energy or whatever they talk about there). Also psychosis. Also... dark entities taking over. All of that seems plausible too, but definitely curious about the green-ray energies, because that's something I haven't explored yet and could actually be what happened because it was a kind of utopian world that I stepped into.. until it wasn't.
And today I had a 'down day', which happens every now and then. I thought... I wonder if I'm "service to self", not "service to others".. and I looked at my negative-life and how the positive has been my 'focus' but not my 'truth' for much of my life. Anyway, just had that thought which wasn't a good one and doesn't feel true because I've always had a big heart but I feel like I really failed some kind of test, at a crucial time in humanity when I was "making the choice", when it felt "urgent" that we "save everyone"... and then at that very same time period.. I come crashing down, and I feel like that I was supposed to choose unconditional love and that my fall-from-grace (choosing to be over-loving despite my own integrity / what felt 'right' because of my beliefs at the time.. I don't know how to explain cos everything became a bit cross-eyed when the dark stuff started coming in and I was facing fears). I didn't see anything as wrong, until.. I fell. Then, I saw my whole life as wrong.
Anyway just expressing my crazy thoughts somewhere today since I haven't been able to look at this angle in public before because it was "so crazy" to think this way at the time. I hope that when I "get the thoughts out", I don't have the thoughts swimming around in my head.
Fast forward 3 years and now when I read the Law of One, I really resonate, but I don't have that same "knowing" that I had before, everything is always up for doubt/contemplation, and the only feeling is that "there's some kind of underlying resonance but it was like that catalyst was "proof" to me that "that's not how you are supposed to live" - like a wake-up call from the universe saying "wrong path" - if you live that way - you will be harmed, and go insane.
While there are so many benefits that I've received over the past 3 years since this transpired, as in from trying to understand and shadow work and "keeping small & away from everyone", I'm a lot more grounded now, a lot more "the observer" rather than the "player" .. it's hard to find compassion or understanding for others, and there's no more 'joy'... and that was a big part of "what made me, me", my identity to the world. And I scrutinize everything, I never stop searching for answers for how that transpired. Hardest catalyst I've ever had to face is when I was so certain that everything was perfect and could be accepted hehe.. how's that for irony
It was the best and life is really kind of empty without that certainty.Honestly the weirdest thing is how I was 'so certain' & how magical life was in that state (and how delusional it was coming down from it when I was "trying NOT to believe it because "I" must be crazy, (but how do you undo everything you believe) and not being able to find anywhere to 'land' my feet because it was everything that I believed - all my 'truth's - that was 'up for trial'.
Now I see others who are like, "over-powering" and I think - crap, was that what I was like? I did not see myself as that, but when I see it in others, I think - omg, I can't believe that was me?
Anyway, I know there is more to it, but when listening to that podcast about the opening of the energies too soon and it making people go nuts... I thought, maybe that's what happened (even though there are 'mainstream' ways of seeing it after-the-fact.. when I was "in it", it felt cosmic.. like, not mainstream). That the 'mainstream fears' was just how it played out "after" something cosmic or quantum transpired (especially cos I was messing with my 'lid' of beliefs at the time - it's like I got what I wanted and I wasn't ready to see what unfolded).
This forum post is just an inch compared to the mile of experiences that transpired within a few months. I'm curious about the connection to the kundalini-awakening (I was never a kundalini believer... but when I was searching for 'what the heck happened to me'... I had all the same symptoms as that (except the snake energy or whatever they talk about there). Also psychosis. Also... dark entities taking over. All of that seems plausible too, but definitely curious about the green-ray energies, because that's something I haven't explored yet and could actually be what happened because it was a kind of utopian world that I stepped into.. until it wasn't.
And today I had a 'down day', which happens every now and then. I thought... I wonder if I'm "service to self", not "service to others".. and I looked at my negative-life and how the positive has been my 'focus' but not my 'truth' for much of my life. Anyway, just had that thought which wasn't a good one and doesn't feel true because I've always had a big heart but I feel like I really failed some kind of test, at a crucial time in humanity when I was "making the choice", when it felt "urgent" that we "save everyone"... and then at that very same time period.. I come crashing down, and I feel like that I was supposed to choose unconditional love and that my fall-from-grace (choosing to be over-loving despite my own integrity / what felt 'right' because of my beliefs at the time.. I don't know how to explain cos everything became a bit cross-eyed when the dark stuff started coming in and I was facing fears). I didn't see anything as wrong, until.. I fell. Then, I saw my whole life as wrong.
Anyway just expressing my crazy thoughts somewhere today since I haven't been able to look at this angle in public before because it was "so crazy" to think this way at the time. I hope that when I "get the thoughts out", I don't have the thoughts swimming around in my head.