08-19-2017, 07:41 AM
Still also trying to tackle the initial catalyst, and finding a couple of Ra quotes to ponder why this completely twisted my beliefs around when I thought that I was incapable of ever changing my beliefs that we are creating everything, everything is here to help us, everything is perfect and nothing is a mistake and all that.. but still, it happened and although I know I've gone through and healed so much and done what I can, this catalyst still exists, it's been a great teacher so far but I still want to "nip it in the bud" lol and so many possibilities as to why I haven't been able to "breakthrough".
With this quote, what came to mind is the incest again.
When he brought it up, I was in that .. maybe I was crazy, but I did completely accept what he was saying. I was concerned about what was going on in that something felt off & I felt that he was in a lot of pain/guilt/suffering about 'something', but I still saw the perfection in creation and I saw that everyone chose their incarnations and catalysts and all sorts of things. As I wasn't privvy to the details, I was unsure whether he was raping her or if it was consensual or if he was just turned on by that kind of stuff and that my mind just automatically went to 'concern for his little sister', from our conversations.
I was in a blissful, accepting state, and I did think that if there was a problem, that encouraging him to trust me and having that 'safe space' for him to .. I don't know, be able to confess and discuss and be open about his experiences so that he can release whatever needs to be released and be what he came here to be. I don't know.
After he turned on me and made "me" the demon, ruined my reputation, etc. I never said anything to anyone and kept his secret but I was so betrayed and often times, I would go through the very big struggle in my mind about whether I did the right thing. Like, prior to this catalyst, I had really just started to be authentically myself and open up and be free, surrendering to life. Especially after the experiment and feeling the oneness with everyone. I was truly "out there" somewhere. Lifted-the-lid of all that was possible in the world, instant manifestation, awesome syncronicities and lots more that can be put on a different post but I was in a magical land and then.. I got entangled with this mess and I couldn't understand how I created it when everything was going awesome in my life before that. I did need to "not fly so high" and I have learnt so much out of this, but some things still stand out as unresolved.
After we started seeing each other regularly, one by one the things he said brought up all my past fears and traumas. I saw it as a gift. I did - I saw everything as here to help me, and any fears were for me to work on, that I was only given what I was ready for and I must be ready for this. I'm here to help, I'm the only one that can. Fears are here to be transcended. Blah blah blah.
After it stopped, I came out of the "trance" that I was in (not immediately), but to try and "make sense" of what had just happened, I turned myself into someone who was wrong.. that I shouldn't of believed that we should love and accept everyone unconditionally. I should've reported him to the authorities or at least contacted his family to see if his sister was ok - was he harming her or was he "having a joke on the girl who accepts everyone". Was he evil? Was he dangerous? What the heck is going on here?
But I was tormented by this for a long time. If she was in danger.. I did nothing. I might of been the only person he told this secret to and I did nothing. Even after he betrayed me (I thought because of his guilty conscience - he had to protect his 'own reputation' or something and so he made me the joke so that he could hide behind that if his secret ever got out?) Who knows, only he knows the reasons why he turned on me. Maybe even because I accepted him when he didn't or couldn't even accept himself or maybe the stress just got too overwhelming. I can't guess what someone else's motives are for being unkind to another who is trying to help them. But I also went "loopy", so even that could be a factor, I got too crazy for a normal mainstream person to deal with.
But after I made myself "wrong" for believing in "spiritual stuff", then came the absolute guilt and confusion about whether I was supposed to do something, or whether it was "vengeance" that I was feeling. Like, my own ego having taken a big hit, wanting revenge.. but even though my thoughts went there, I also wondered if it was because I still didn't really believe anyone should be in prison or in mental institutions etc, because I didn't think anything in this world was wrong. I had no discernment, no barriers, no sense of right-wrong.. until I was wronged. And then, I despaired for myself and I despaired for his sister and I despaired for anyone else that was probably being harmed by him too. Was I supposed to help his sister? But then I don't even know if she is being harmed or if it's consensual or if it was a joke.
And now, since I've been ever-trying "to not be a believer" in the Law of One concepts (whilst still having them underlying in there, as "I hope it's true still".. but for my own sanity and to navigate this world without getting harmed, I had to "come back down to earth") it's been difficult to rectify this and other specific parts of it.
From this new space, I'm not sure that I agree with my "past-self", the one pre-this-catalyst. I don't think I agree that there is no wrong. I see the creator in all, or rather I see 2 parts now to each entity... there is this soul-aspect that I see in all, and then there's this clueless-human-avatar that does really bad things to people and "danger, danger, danger" and I feel helpless because he did put me in a place where I could never report it, and I don't want to report it because I don't want "conflict" and I don't want any kind of "negative attention on me", and I don't want to ruin anyone's life. And then there's possibly innocent life that I ignored. Maybe not my problem, but it keeps lingering. If I'm wrong about us all choosing our incarnations and catalysts, then I was wrong to not help her. I probably can't do anything about it, but I need to .. reconcile it within myself. The conflict within me was burning for a long time after this, this - not knowing what to do with the information once I "came down from my high/bliss" and realised that there could be a child in harm's way and I was too "off with the fairies" to help her. But then it could be all a joke-on-me?
This is the stupid thing with whatever happened.. this spontaneous kundalini-awakening.. this "psychosis" or whatever it was that I most certainly was not ready for, my mind was not experiencing the same reality as what "mainstream people" see. I was in a different realm seeing everything from a different perspective, and now that I'm "back in 3d", I have this and other things to try and come to terms with. Maybe just verbalising it here will help me let it go because I don't think I can take it further now even if I wanted to, but it's "there", hovering, like an unresolved incomplete thing that I don't know what to do about.
I think I'm trying to figure out whether I was "sane" at the time of "accepting" or "insane" for accepting, and that after the catalyst "wronged-me", is when I started to see myself as "insane" and unable to "accept everything". It was like a complete turn-of-events in my mind when I started seeing everything the way "the rest of society sees it" and it was horrorfying and traumatizing, not just what might of been occurring with his sister, but when I realized I was being wilfully harmed and could've been murdered, and my ego was hurt because I lost trust in the world and in others and in my own intuition and yada yada yada. And for a while afterwards, I was still tapping into unconditional love and unable to "disbelieve" my own delusions of the one-ness thing but when I crashed, I crashed hard because it tore-apart all my beliefs and I had nothing to grab onto except crap - I was insane.
And now.. I'm trying to tap back into and really believe in this stuff again but it's just not an easy process because it was believing in this stuff that "broke me" but then I still think I must've designed this challenge for myself somehow and that I am going to find a way through it, but.. yeah getting there, piece by piece, month by month but far out, the big sign "I want to believe" is dwelling all around me, but these things that come up to remind me of why I lost belief in it, but I still want to believe but I don't want to be delusional so I have to wait for life to lead me back there, and I'm trying to accelerate a bit because it's already been 3 years, and I guess I'm seeking that 'insight', that ah-ha moment that brings me back into alignment with my mission and path, and truly "know" that I'm on a positive path.
What's interesting is that now a relative has come back into my life after 30 years, and I've found out that her husband has been sleeping with her daughter and it's tore the family up and they are going to court and her 27-year marriage is over and how does she reconcile what happened under her own roof with her own daughter and now she's homeless and has 2 kids, and no job and no safe space and health problems and all sorts of things, and this also just brought all this up again. How do we reconcile incest and accept all is one and accept that we chose our incarnations and catalysts, and that we're creating all this. And how much of this is negative-entity influence or 'chosen catalysts' and so on. And All is Well. #BogglesTheMind
Quote:102.11 Ra: I am Ra. Each entity must, in order to completely unblock yellow ray, love all which are in relationship to it, with hope only of the other-selves’ joy, peace, and comfort.
With this quote, what came to mind is the incest again.
When he brought it up, I was in that .. maybe I was crazy, but I did completely accept what he was saying. I was concerned about what was going on in that something felt off & I felt that he was in a lot of pain/guilt/suffering about 'something', but I still saw the perfection in creation and I saw that everyone chose their incarnations and catalysts and all sorts of things. As I wasn't privvy to the details, I was unsure whether he was raping her or if it was consensual or if he was just turned on by that kind of stuff and that my mind just automatically went to 'concern for his little sister', from our conversations.
I was in a blissful, accepting state, and I did think that if there was a problem, that encouraging him to trust me and having that 'safe space' for him to .. I don't know, be able to confess and discuss and be open about his experiences so that he can release whatever needs to be released and be what he came here to be. I don't know.
After he turned on me and made "me" the demon, ruined my reputation, etc. I never said anything to anyone and kept his secret but I was so betrayed and often times, I would go through the very big struggle in my mind about whether I did the right thing. Like, prior to this catalyst, I had really just started to be authentically myself and open up and be free, surrendering to life. Especially after the experiment and feeling the oneness with everyone. I was truly "out there" somewhere. Lifted-the-lid of all that was possible in the world, instant manifestation, awesome syncronicities and lots more that can be put on a different post but I was in a magical land and then.. I got entangled with this mess and I couldn't understand how I created it when everything was going awesome in my life before that. I did need to "not fly so high" and I have learnt so much out of this, but some things still stand out as unresolved.
After we started seeing each other regularly, one by one the things he said brought up all my past fears and traumas. I saw it as a gift. I did - I saw everything as here to help me, and any fears were for me to work on, that I was only given what I was ready for and I must be ready for this. I'm here to help, I'm the only one that can. Fears are here to be transcended. Blah blah blah.
After it stopped, I came out of the "trance" that I was in (not immediately), but to try and "make sense" of what had just happened, I turned myself into someone who was wrong.. that I shouldn't of believed that we should love and accept everyone unconditionally. I should've reported him to the authorities or at least contacted his family to see if his sister was ok - was he harming her or was he "having a joke on the girl who accepts everyone". Was he evil? Was he dangerous? What the heck is going on here?
But I was tormented by this for a long time. If she was in danger.. I did nothing. I might of been the only person he told this secret to and I did nothing. Even after he betrayed me (I thought because of his guilty conscience - he had to protect his 'own reputation' or something and so he made me the joke so that he could hide behind that if his secret ever got out?) Who knows, only he knows the reasons why he turned on me. Maybe even because I accepted him when he didn't or couldn't even accept himself or maybe the stress just got too overwhelming. I can't guess what someone else's motives are for being unkind to another who is trying to help them. But I also went "loopy", so even that could be a factor, I got too crazy for a normal mainstream person to deal with.
But after I made myself "wrong" for believing in "spiritual stuff", then came the absolute guilt and confusion about whether I was supposed to do something, or whether it was "vengeance" that I was feeling. Like, my own ego having taken a big hit, wanting revenge.. but even though my thoughts went there, I also wondered if it was because I still didn't really believe anyone should be in prison or in mental institutions etc, because I didn't think anything in this world was wrong. I had no discernment, no barriers, no sense of right-wrong.. until I was wronged. And then, I despaired for myself and I despaired for his sister and I despaired for anyone else that was probably being harmed by him too. Was I supposed to help his sister? But then I don't even know if she is being harmed or if it's consensual or if it was a joke.
And now, since I've been ever-trying "to not be a believer" in the Law of One concepts (whilst still having them underlying in there, as "I hope it's true still".. but for my own sanity and to navigate this world without getting harmed, I had to "come back down to earth") it's been difficult to rectify this and other specific parts of it.
From this new space, I'm not sure that I agree with my "past-self", the one pre-this-catalyst. I don't think I agree that there is no wrong. I see the creator in all, or rather I see 2 parts now to each entity... there is this soul-aspect that I see in all, and then there's this clueless-human-avatar that does really bad things to people and "danger, danger, danger" and I feel helpless because he did put me in a place where I could never report it, and I don't want to report it because I don't want "conflict" and I don't want any kind of "negative attention on me", and I don't want to ruin anyone's life. And then there's possibly innocent life that I ignored. Maybe not my problem, but it keeps lingering. If I'm wrong about us all choosing our incarnations and catalysts, then I was wrong to not help her. I probably can't do anything about it, but I need to .. reconcile it within myself. The conflict within me was burning for a long time after this, this - not knowing what to do with the information once I "came down from my high/bliss" and realised that there could be a child in harm's way and I was too "off with the fairies" to help her. But then it could be all a joke-on-me?
This is the stupid thing with whatever happened.. this spontaneous kundalini-awakening.. this "psychosis" or whatever it was that I most certainly was not ready for, my mind was not experiencing the same reality as what "mainstream people" see. I was in a different realm seeing everything from a different perspective, and now that I'm "back in 3d", I have this and other things to try and come to terms with. Maybe just verbalising it here will help me let it go because I don't think I can take it further now even if I wanted to, but it's "there", hovering, like an unresolved incomplete thing that I don't know what to do about.
Quote:18.5 Ra: I am Ra. The proper role of the entity is in this density to experience all things desired, to then analyze, understand, and accept these experiences, distilling from them the love/light within them. Nothing shall be overcome. That which is not needed falls away. [...]
It is, shall we say, a shortcut to simply ignore or overcome any desire. It must instead be understood and accepted. This takes patience and experience which can be analyzed with care, with compassion for self and for other-self.
Quote:42.10 [...] Ra: ....we shall briefly iterate that to the balanced entity no situation has an emotional charge but is simply a situation like any other in which the entity may or may not observe an opportunity to be of service. The closer an entity comes to this attitude the closer an entity is to balance. [...]
I think I'm trying to figure out whether I was "sane" at the time of "accepting" or "insane" for accepting, and that after the catalyst "wronged-me", is when I started to see myself as "insane" and unable to "accept everything". It was like a complete turn-of-events in my mind when I started seeing everything the way "the rest of society sees it" and it was horrorfying and traumatizing, not just what might of been occurring with his sister, but when I realized I was being wilfully harmed and could've been murdered, and my ego was hurt because I lost trust in the world and in others and in my own intuition and yada yada yada. And for a while afterwards, I was still tapping into unconditional love and unable to "disbelieve" my own delusions of the one-ness thing but when I crashed, I crashed hard because it tore-apart all my beliefs and I had nothing to grab onto except crap - I was insane.
And now.. I'm trying to tap back into and really believe in this stuff again but it's just not an easy process because it was believing in this stuff that "broke me" but then I still think I must've designed this challenge for myself somehow and that I am going to find a way through it, but.. yeah getting there, piece by piece, month by month but far out, the big sign "I want to believe" is dwelling all around me, but these things that come up to remind me of why I lost belief in it, but I still want to believe but I don't want to be delusional so I have to wait for life to lead me back there, and I'm trying to accelerate a bit because it's already been 3 years, and I guess I'm seeking that 'insight', that ah-ha moment that brings me back into alignment with my mission and path, and truly "know" that I'm on a positive path.
What's interesting is that now a relative has come back into my life after 30 years, and I've found out that her husband has been sleeping with her daughter and it's tore the family up and they are going to court and her 27-year marriage is over and how does she reconcile what happened under her own roof with her own daughter and now she's homeless and has 2 kids, and no job and no safe space and health problems and all sorts of things, and this also just brought all this up again. How do we reconcile incest and accept all is one and accept that we chose our incarnations and catalysts, and that we're creating all this. And how much of this is negative-entity influence or 'chosen catalysts' and so on. And All is Well. #BogglesTheMind