11-30-2017, 07:42 PM
I noticed I do this. I'll become somewhat repugnant with flattery to keep girls away and I'll be somewhat obnoxious with topics to keep guys away.
I like being alone and all but not all the time, and so I noticed that I have this tendency to push people away once I identify what seems to repel them.
Such as flirting with a girl or going nerdy to keep her from finding me interesting, or such as talking about my issues with football to make guys not find me interesting.
Tracing this behavior takes me back to elementary school, where I would be silent and ignore everyone because... Well the bullying was minor at the time I'm thinking about, with it being worse prior... I remember this one time a girl with her two friends walked up to me and said she liked me.
I honestly thought she was just trying to hurt me so I was very dismissive. Then ironically that same girl asked me to dance at the only middle school dance I attended years later, only to tell her I don't dance and what's funny is the next day she denied it was me she asked to dance with when I asked her if she realized the guy she was talking about right in front of me was me. It was actually very hurtful (and not the first time a girl has lied and denied something with me from actually happening).
I recall another time a different girl walked up to me and asked me what I was drawing, except I recognized her as one of those mean girls, so I just ignored her.
Looking back, there was a lot of... Very confusing experiences that I overall took in a negative way because I was conditioned very early on, very quickly, that people will hurt yiu and use you and ruin your life.
I had a friend in middle school, a slightly older girl coaxed his interest in her then told the school cop he was sexually harassing her. He was a labeled sex offender before he was even 14.
I had an indian friend who was only my friend when not with his other friends. Come to think of it, basically most of my friends were those types.
Now, looking at present day, I see I am very good at keeping my distance from others, at cutting people off, at avoiding drama, at just trying to be alone. I'm too good at it, I notice even on here I have a very hard time letting people get close to me...
I have an even harder time believing in kindness in others as well.
I'm trying to... Make sense of some stuff I guess you could say, from my childhood and how it effects me in the present day, and its overall a very hard thing to do because when I look back, all I remember anymore was the only damn good moments were of me locked in my room glued to a damn video game. I don't remember the love of my parents. I don't remember the joys of friendships. I don't even recall my mother ever once saying she loved me or my dad saying so. On the flip side I remember being yelled at a lot, even hit with a belt and punched, grabbed by my hair and dragged, then told I'm the one with anger problems and just looking back is very disturbing.
It is no wonder I'm so screwed up, love for me has always been extremely conditional.
Sigh. I'm tired of talking about this for right now, its one of those it wasn't so bad in contrast to, kind of things, but for me, it was bad enough to make me extremely secluded and shy and timid. Don't speak you'll get yelled at, don't care you'll piss off people, don't expect praise because nothing I do will ever be good enough.
Ah, why bother trying in futility? My mom drops a cup and somehow it's my fault and I get punished. She can throw out my stuff, sell my stuff, but I'm the bad guy.
The story is old, I'm painted as the bad guy. I may as well be the bad guy because I've become so apathetic too.
I am tired of being so full of hate that it cripples me with fear and anxiety. I am sick of being terrified of having a horrible boss. I am just done with trying anymore because no matter what I do short of going to prison, becoming homeless, or burdening another greatly, I'm going to end up living most of my life with my mother, because she'll take all my money, if I start saving up suddenly there's more to pay, she talks me into getting a medical marijuana card for my depression and the pain in my back I've been dealing with for a while now. Turns out she basically wants me to be her drug dealer.
Every time I go out for an interview she looks at me and says I look like s*** one way or another, my hair, my teeth, my good looking interview clothes. I know I look, smell, and dress like s*** now, even though I don't.
And looking forward is just daunting, the rest of my life working to feed my mother's drug addiction and f***** up lifestyle, all because she forced me into debt by forcing me into school, forcing me to do things before I was ready or even wanted to.
I push people away because they're all controlling I'm scared of. I have spent my life being used and now, I'm a user.
It's the greater part of horror to find yourself the very monstrosities you hate. Now I'm the abuser, now I'm controlling, now I'm all bad.
It gets old, these excuses to make me bad. If people would just not be so fucking cruel I'd... But it's too late for me.
Do any of you ever notice yourself or others pushing people away?
Why do you think that is and what do you think can be done to help heal such behavior?
I like being alone and all but not all the time, and so I noticed that I have this tendency to push people away once I identify what seems to repel them.
Such as flirting with a girl or going nerdy to keep her from finding me interesting, or such as talking about my issues with football to make guys not find me interesting.
Tracing this behavior takes me back to elementary school, where I would be silent and ignore everyone because... Well the bullying was minor at the time I'm thinking about, with it being worse prior... I remember this one time a girl with her two friends walked up to me and said she liked me.
I honestly thought she was just trying to hurt me so I was very dismissive. Then ironically that same girl asked me to dance at the only middle school dance I attended years later, only to tell her I don't dance and what's funny is the next day she denied it was me she asked to dance with when I asked her if she realized the guy she was talking about right in front of me was me. It was actually very hurtful (and not the first time a girl has lied and denied something with me from actually happening).
I recall another time a different girl walked up to me and asked me what I was drawing, except I recognized her as one of those mean girls, so I just ignored her.
Looking back, there was a lot of... Very confusing experiences that I overall took in a negative way because I was conditioned very early on, very quickly, that people will hurt yiu and use you and ruin your life.
I had a friend in middle school, a slightly older girl coaxed his interest in her then told the school cop he was sexually harassing her. He was a labeled sex offender before he was even 14.
I had an indian friend who was only my friend when not with his other friends. Come to think of it, basically most of my friends were those types.
Now, looking at present day, I see I am very good at keeping my distance from others, at cutting people off, at avoiding drama, at just trying to be alone. I'm too good at it, I notice even on here I have a very hard time letting people get close to me...
I have an even harder time believing in kindness in others as well.
I'm trying to... Make sense of some stuff I guess you could say, from my childhood and how it effects me in the present day, and its overall a very hard thing to do because when I look back, all I remember anymore was the only damn good moments were of me locked in my room glued to a damn video game. I don't remember the love of my parents. I don't remember the joys of friendships. I don't even recall my mother ever once saying she loved me or my dad saying so. On the flip side I remember being yelled at a lot, even hit with a belt and punched, grabbed by my hair and dragged, then told I'm the one with anger problems and just looking back is very disturbing.
It is no wonder I'm so screwed up, love for me has always been extremely conditional.
Sigh. I'm tired of talking about this for right now, its one of those it wasn't so bad in contrast to, kind of things, but for me, it was bad enough to make me extremely secluded and shy and timid. Don't speak you'll get yelled at, don't care you'll piss off people, don't expect praise because nothing I do will ever be good enough.
Ah, why bother trying in futility? My mom drops a cup and somehow it's my fault and I get punished. She can throw out my stuff, sell my stuff, but I'm the bad guy.
The story is old, I'm painted as the bad guy. I may as well be the bad guy because I've become so apathetic too.
I am tired of being so full of hate that it cripples me with fear and anxiety. I am sick of being terrified of having a horrible boss. I am just done with trying anymore because no matter what I do short of going to prison, becoming homeless, or burdening another greatly, I'm going to end up living most of my life with my mother, because she'll take all my money, if I start saving up suddenly there's more to pay, she talks me into getting a medical marijuana card for my depression and the pain in my back I've been dealing with for a while now. Turns out she basically wants me to be her drug dealer.
Every time I go out for an interview she looks at me and says I look like s*** one way or another, my hair, my teeth, my good looking interview clothes. I know I look, smell, and dress like s*** now, even though I don't.
And looking forward is just daunting, the rest of my life working to feed my mother's drug addiction and f***** up lifestyle, all because she forced me into debt by forcing me into school, forcing me to do things before I was ready or even wanted to.
I push people away because they're all controlling I'm scared of. I have spent my life being used and now, I'm a user.
It's the greater part of horror to find yourself the very monstrosities you hate. Now I'm the abuser, now I'm controlling, now I'm all bad.
It gets old, these excuses to make me bad. If people would just not be so fucking cruel I'd... But it's too late for me.
Do any of you ever notice yourself or others pushing people away?
Why do you think that is and what do you think can be done to help heal such behavior?