What is it with me?

[Glow]

I don't know.

My first book editor, and my illustrator, both when they finished the project for my book they never spoke to me again.
My best friend thinks I'm irrational.
My mom thinks I'm incompetent.

Maybe I'm irrational because I want to believe that dreams are real and that anthros can be real too.
I've cried because others get their Christmas wish but I cannot.

I love others, but they don't seem to love me back.

My dog is all I have, and even he doesn't always like my attention.
I tend to smother my dog with affection.

I have a past that I'm afraid will get out if my book takes off.

I'm writing a 2nd book where I'm more vulnerable. It will definitely tell some of my secrets, but nothing bad.
But still, it may ruin my writing career. Do readers like honesty?

The publisher I'm using does not allow anything sexual in their books, so I'm not including that.

It's hard to feel aroused by another human. Only anthros really do anything for me. And they aren't physical in this dimension.

Am I a complicated person, or am I easy to understand?

When I see my therapist monthly, I do not usually remember what was said.
He pays attention because I pay him.
But he helps me out when I need his professionalism. Perhaps the most professional person I know who helps me.
My psychiatrist is cool too, but she doesn't spend much time with me. Definitely not an hour like my therapist.

At any moment I am about to break down psychologically. I probably won't do anything but well up inside and sob.

I feel like an overexposed photo.

Too much light and not enough love. Like my brain has been bleached.
When I wake up sometimes my back hurts.

I feel so alone here. My mom isn't much support. Everything she talks about is wrong to her. I can never do anything right.
I buy her food and she still gripes.

I know I'm not alone. But surprisingly I'm not depressed.

Hey I didn’t read this till now and I’m sorry you are struggling and feel alone.
As a friend I’m going to say, leaving here where we do care about you might not be in your best interest. It’s your choice always but we understand you here.

I relate to what you say about your affection level... I can relate.
I would be to much for any one person. I swear it goes back to being part of the social memory complex. Single separateness existence is just not natural for some of us. I’d rather be semi permeable and others be able to share my energy/space. So in this body I just like to be close but most other people aren’t like that so I have 2 dogs a husband friends that get mauled and I regularly hug clients and strangers.
As a woman I can get away with it. It must be harder as a man so I totally feel for you.

I don’t know if you are gone already or still here but I will put this out there.
I don’t understand the anthro thing but I admit I have told A LOT of people I think the world of humans could use more human puppy piles. I have that instinct it’s not sexual or anthro but who knows where it came from. Maybe I have spent time where you picked up your anthro connection.

Ever see puppies in a pile? So safe warm connected so much trust intimacy sharing and closeness. I know we aren’t “animals” but I think we’d be happier as a species if we had human puppypiles. Touch is so healing and spiritually/physically/emotionally nurturing and as modern humans touch is in such short supply...especially for men. Which is counter intuitive as how do you open a heart closed by centuries of needing to suppress emotion due to the needs of war but with gentle care and nurturing. Puppypiles would be great for that.

Anyways that likely reads like nonsense but I wanted to share since you’ve been so open.

Know we care. Physically you may be alone like many of us here but spiritually we are with you. Come back or stay if you feel inclined. We can manage this together