What is it with me?

[Jade]

You have to learn how to be intimate with and love yourself, before others can learn how to be intimate with you.

That's exceptionally hard to do when you're abusive to yourself by default.
Duly noted, Ms. Jade.

Hopefully one day I will have such back again.

Society trains us all to self flagellate, and to compete with each other. It really takes a lot of dedicated re-training to correct that.

My trick is: Find that thing I love the absolute most and unconditionally, and remind myself that we are one and I deserve the same love that I give to them, and then give that love to myself in kind. We all deserve the same unconditional love as everyone else.