I'm choosing the negative path.

[Sacred Fool]

I thought someone here might know how I'd be able to break through these chains and restore my soul. If you've any idea how to do that, I'm begging you to tell me, but so far there's not much technical information other than people offering to send me energy, and I have learned my lesson about accepting gifts from random internet occultists.

Myself, in this incarnation I've been through many rounds where, spiritually, I felt I was like a horse fenced in a pasture where the grass was all eaten.  I knew there were other pastures around where I might continue to graze, but the gates were nearly impossible to find.  Having gone through my own suffering in that regard, I can offer you two thoughts on the matter, the first of which you are already engaged in to some degree.

When I was around ten years old, I just couldn't wait until I became 18 y/o so that I could do what I wanted to do: namely, eat as much ice cream as I wanted and stay up as late as I wanted.  However, when I became 18, the outlook of a 10 y/o on these matters was of very little use to me.  Therefore, one might conclude that you own thoughts and feelings may not really be as important as you might expect. The point is, if you want to cross the threshold to a further level, as much as possible, stop acting like a 10 y/o and think about acting like an 18 y/o, as it were.  Not wasting sexual energy is going in that direction.  You might consider applying the same attitude to all your actions.  Weigh them.  Do they carry real gravity or not?  If not, let the go.  Twisting yourself into a posture of being more strictly discriminate with your energy expenditure will cause you to appear to be a more appealing (read: useful) initiate.

Second, the above example of the ten y/o, in a way, blows the idea of service to self apart.  I mean, what's the point of being in service to that?  In the same sense, what's the point of being in service to the ... um ... "gentleman" you are now?  I hope you see my point.  You'd be smarter being of service to something, some element of self, more with-it than your apparent self, in other words.  So, what might that be?  And what would the idea of your service mean to you?