I'm choosing the negative path.

[Sacred Fool]

I eat a ton of junk food, stay up all night every night, do drugs when I want, look at all the hentai and porn my parents took away when I was 12, listen to all the music they hated and that I had to hide from them, watch NC-17 rated movies, smoke ganja and drink, occasionally do psychedelics or hard drugs, say "f***" more than any person I know... those things are all great. You should get in touch with your inner 10 year-old. He knows what's up.

<ellipsis>

In my life, I'm focusing on generating revenue and learning to not waste sexual energy, as you said, as well as to recover from rampant drug abuse and trauma-based brain damage, etc.. I'm going on a very strict diet and mental/physical exercise routine soon.

I have to give you points for humor.  Telling me I should act out like a 10 y/o, then demonstrating the mess that can lead to is amusing, indeed.

Right this second, what I want to do is fix my soul so that I'm generating light properly and get my mind, soul, brain, psychic powers back. I really need to fix this. I refuse to live this way. I need out. And I need the knowledge to get out. That's all that matters. I need to go back within myself.

I hope you don't take this as a jab, but your description reminds me of an Irish song where the woman's son was persuaded to fight against Spain in a war, and when he returns and comes down the ship's gangway, she sees both lower legs were blown away by a cannon ball.  She says to him, "Were you drunk or were you blind when you left your two fine legs behind?  Or was it in walking upon the sea that you wore your legs from the knees away?"

So, I'm wondering here, how did you lose your mind, soul and psychic powers?


Lastly, referring to the first quotation above, I'm wondering now if this does not disclose a portion of why you're feeling stuck?  That is, you would seem to be trying to retain the freewheeling hedonism of childhood while hoping to somehow acquire some benefits of a disciplined youth.  Perhaps, in order to swing freely on the trapeze of youth, as it were, you first must let go of the trapeze of childhood?  Otherwise, you cannot travel.  I dunno.  You decide.

Negativity is attempting to find light digging a hole, no matter how strong your belief to see it as otherwise is, it'll come to that you're just digging yourself a hole and that somewhen you allow yourself to be yourself more sincerely.

I like the image.  Seems to me it might better apply to the way some purportedly sto folks who really aren't interested in serving anyone but themselves and who have never lived a day behind the front lines of an sts gathering go about explaining what the Path of Darkness is all about.  It would be as if I were to publish my beliefs about how it is to live in Alaska when I have never set foot in the place.  If I really believe my own guesses, then, I would say, I'm just digging myself into your hole, hoping that light will magically appear.

In fact, Ra honors the Path of Darkness as a complement to the other.  I would add that, besides making one susceptible to feelings of smug moral superiority. the sto path tends to lead folks to overlook the fact that, until somewhere in 6d or 7d, the sto entity is incomplete and unbalanced, just like the sts entity.  Also here they are complementary.

Rather than worry about how they may compete with one another, in my view it is more noble to ponder the elements that one team can learn from the other.  This strikes me as a "more better" pathway to wholeness, if that's what you're into.