I'm choosing the negative path.

[anagogy]

I need some practical help. I'm in a position where I'm trying to survive. I'm barely eating, I'm not in a position where I can get support from my family, I spend my days in mind numbing despair and emptiness and boredom and isolation and regret. If someone who knows what this is like can help me find a way to both get on my feet and come to terms with a horrible and traumatic past, I will consider choosing positivity. If noone can, I'm going to double down and attempt the rituals for power and money once more as a last resort before suicide.

Have you applied for any jobs?

Not as exciting as trading, but you need money. Statistically, 80--90% of the people that day trade fail at it. Not good odds. It is really really hard (you already know this well -- it takes ungodly amounts of self control) Hoping and praying works for a lot of areas of life. The stock market isn't one of them. Don't worry if you don't have work experience. People without experience get hired for low level jobs all the time (and they rarely check references -- speaking from experience here). Get the first shitty job you can find, and then start trading up to better jobs when you have more experience. You'll also meet people at these jobs, and as long as you can communicate as cogently as you are here, you'll make friends, almost guaranteed.

Talk to your landlord, they can be surprisingly understanding. I would encourage reaching out to your parents and telling them your sorry for blowing their money. Tell them you'll understand if they can't forgive you, but you're sorry nonetheless. They might let you crash with them again. Maybe not. Worth a shot. At least throw a rope line, if they throw it back, there's that at least. Keep your options open, regardless of whether you think it is a snowballs chance in hell.

Just get an income stream going. Pretend like you want the job. You're intelligent (obviously). Fake it till you make it. You can find infinite excuses not to do something. Or you can talk yourself into taking action.

This isn't about polarizing at this point, you're in survival mode bro. You can worry about polarizing and healing your past later.

You wanted practical advice, this is what it looks like. It's not sexy, but there it is. You can always reach out to local churches for financial assistance (though they will probably ask you to come to church if you agree to it). Maybe you qualify for food-stamps? That really helps with the barely eating part. Learn to be grateful for even the smallest improvements in your experience. That will bring other improvements to your experience. It is easy to keep thinking the same way you've been thinking (negative), but you have to start somewhere. If you can conjure good feelings for even a couple hours a day it would net you obvious improvements in your experience. You can't conjure those feelings by constantly thinking about why you are where you are in the first place. In your head, you have to live more where you want to be, than where you are. Things are always changing, even when they seem like there not, but they are often changing to the exact same thing over and over again, because your vibrations are the same.   

Go for walks if you can too. Really helps clear the mind. Don't go full on agoraphobia, stuck in the house. Like mold grows in stagnation, psychological problems are the same way. Gotta keep the energy moving. Keep it fresh. Ponder the wisdom of not burning bridges even when you really want to. I wish you the best of luck.