I'm choosing the negative path.

[loostudent]

Dear fellow seeker, I feel sorry that you suffer so much. I wish I could help you.

Keep looking for a job. There must be something. Sometimes a little scarry appearance is even desired e. g. for a bouncer.

You've already asked for help here. Try asking for more help. I don't mean just people but help "from above". Talk to God and spiritual guides, complain, get it off your chest, cry out if necessary ... Call for inner healing and let the higher power give you strength to forgive - yourself and others.

"Ask, and you will receive. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened for you." (Mt 7:7)

Jesus: “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”