I'm choosing the negative path.

[rva_jeremy]

You sound like you feel trapped. Often when I feel trapped, it's because I am overlooking commitments and assumptions I've made. While these ideas can give us a framework within which to exercise our will our realize our lessons, it is paramount we not forget that we made them and we can renegotiate them at will. This is not always easy or pleasant, but where you're at right now sounds equally unpleasant.

Consider the way experience balances itself. Although it seems callous, it is precisely the feelings and pain you are now experiencing that are part of finding a new balance. Without the intensity of the experience, you might not take it as seriously. You are not stuck; you are learning a lesson, and you are in the middle of a transformation, I'd wager. This is not supposed to be happy or comfortable, but it is also not something that will last forever. As the Confederation always reminds us, we just don't see enough to understand why things happen to us until much further along. This is where faith comes in, but it's not a blind faith--it is a faith informed by the grief and pain. You have faith as a function of its hardship, not as an alternative to it.

We always feel that this moment right now is immutable. We are stuck in this linear chronological experience. But it is not us, and your perceived failures are not you. If I had one suggestion, it would be to feel your pain fully instead of attempting to escape it. It's not easy to do and I take no pleasure in suggesting it. But treating it as medicine rather than sickness will help you glean the lessons so that, as much as things now suck, you can be stronger and softer of heart for it.

I wish you love and light, and I apologize if anything I've said seems tone deaf--it is for that reason that hesitated to even respond. One never knows if a word will help or hurt, in the end.