Where do I start?

[kenney]

So much sublime advice, you are lucky, some have to ponder this alone in a vacuum.

I would suggest learning astrology as a your foundation and beginning. You noted yourself that "balance" is what you needed most, i would tend towards agreement with you, since you have an aim, goals, and a sense of purpose already.

Astrology will give you "known values" "knowable probabilities" of things that will happen, and maybe most importantly allow you the power to look back and  sort out all of the unbalanced baggage that is weighing you down. It will organize a place where the words of Ra and any other spiritual leaders you choose, can work in your heart , rather than them throwing more ideas into a mind that resembles a messy bedroom from your childhood.

Learn to erect your own birth chart and progress it, if you make it to that point I promise you will look up Soon and think OMG when did it happen? everything is so much better.

As one masters Astrology, or one of the other occult sciences, the distinctions between STS and STO will fade. One finds themselves with the ability to measure the will and actions of others in a new way that is more fluid and changeable. It is a process much like an unfolding flower that when fully opened extinguishes all fear and doubt.