If you could have one wish

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'd wish for reconciliation with my friend. I wished for that when pulling a wishbone. I'm not unrealistic however about the likelihood of that actually happening.

EP, is this a burning passion of yours? Like being an anthro would be for me?

No it's not. I wouldn't use the word "passion" for it.

I would say though that when you develop a connection with somebody you grow real close to, and you're not used to getting close to people, and then you lose that person, that connection, and you never knew you needed that connection until you had it and lost it, it's not easy to just get over. "Obsession" might be a better word for it, but I'm experiencing emotions I've kept suppressed for a very long time, and the friendship breakup is what triggered them.

Agua says it's the pre-natal traumatized version of me, feeling threatened from disconnection from my mother. And all these emotions are "old" emotions. But they feel "new"

I think it doesn't help that without a job, I have nothing to do but obsess over things. I don't really distract myself with movies, video games or television, you know. Nor social media. My life is pretty boring lately. When I'm not meditating, going out for meditation walks, eating, sleeping or doing my healing codes, I've got nothing to do but mull over these emotions.

I try to just simply feel them. To "process" them as Agua puts it, but sometimes, I end up obsessing and fantasizing instead. I've talked to vocational rehabilitation services about becoming a teacher's assistant, and then I'd have a job that would give me something to do 5 days out of the week. A piece of me feels I'm just trying to distract myself from emotions I don't want to feel though. But another piece of me feels like it's moving forward and getting a life.

Imagine suppressing certain negative (trauma state) emotions for nearly 30 years, and then suddenly having them all come up, and feeling as if they're new, with no way to experience the original cause of the emotions. This is also the source of my obsession that I had with negative time/space. And other fearful things.

The mixture of old trauma, current issues and my unconscious internal resistance to feeling both of them, while consciously trying to process them, creates a very complicated set of emotions and a complicated state of mind. Great internal conflict. And a desire to make the source of that conflict go away. But no, not a "burning passion" Not the right choice of words for it.

Agua reminds me that even if I reconciled with my friend, these emotions would still be in me.

that's probably true. Still wouldn't mind having that close connection I had before.

But Agua says I need that sense of connection to feel stabilized and secure in the world. He tells me that if I formed an intimate relationship with somebody, I'd probably unconsciously use them for that sense of stability. This makes me feel bad about prospective future relationships, while at the same time yearning to form some sort of deep connection. Again, great internal conflict. A desire to make the (apparent) source of this conflict stop.

I told him I didn't used to have such feelings and he told me it's because until the friendship breakup triggered them, I had been suppressing them.