I'm so depressed

[AnthroHeart]

I don't think any of the "energy" I have felt is really what it seems.
It could just be a side effect of my high blood pressure.
I'm not taking medication for it though.
The "captivation" that I have felt might just be psychosomatic.
It seems when I try to help people energetically, it does nothing.
One time I did send Reiki energy to a woman's dog, and she said that he stopped whining after that.
That was years ago.
I almost wish that I could start my life over.
I wouldn't have hurt the kids when I was a child.
I wouldn't have done drugs.
I wouldn't have schizophrenia.
I wouldn't have blown my $70k of my 401k.
I wouldn't have ended up in $20k in credit card debt.
I would be working a normal job, not being too sick in the head to work.
I wouldn't be attracting people who don't care for me.

I just want enough of energy to help with the physical pains of my body of growing old.
I'm 41, but I feel like I'm 80. And I'm sad, so sad.

The love I felt before wasn't genuine, because it did not last.
Oh, if I could only start over.
Though I probably wouldn't find the Ra material.
But at least that would have saved me a lot of heartache.
I waste money and energy.
I know nobody's perfect.

But I'm like a kid who doesn't grow up.