Mental Illness, & Labels

[AnthroHeart]

I have schizoaffective which is bipolar mixed with schizophrenia.
It is about equally scary and beautiful.
If I had a choice I would have it, because it really helps me explore extremes in reality.
Some stuff so beautiful and adorable that I can't handle it.
Emotional hyper-sensitivity.
Seeing my skin blood red from being mentally microwaved, repeatedly, off and on.
Voices telling you "I wouldn't" when you ask if you should do something illegal and saving you from prison.
Voices telling you to kill your dog.

On meds it's not scary at all. There is some general anxiety, but I do miss feeling like a kid again.
Like I had died and gone to heaven. Feeling euphoric while I sat on my neighbor's deck, thinking I had died, with the warm sun beaming down on me.
Seeing the grass take form of animals and animated, moving slowly.
Seeing cute characters on the wall of the jail cell before I was taken to mental hospital.
Seeing shadows on the wall animated, not scary, but very interesting.

Finding a key and seeing a label on it, thinking it was a key to another Octave.
Being told by voices I did so well I could skip the next Octave.
Being afraid because I thought I was going to be trapped in an Octave of Light with no Love. It would get hotter and hotter.
On a hot day, thinking I was at fault for the sun getting so hot and that it would heat up and destroy the earth because of me.
Being in jail for stabbing my dog, and seeing the lights begin to glow red, thinking I was being transported to hell.
Seeing the living room turn red, thinking I'm going to hell, and realizing that I create my own reality, so I fought it.

My stupid religious life made me feel guilty in many of my experiences. I kept thinking hell.
When I was in jail, I felt scared a little, and thought I was going to be there (in hell) forever.
I told the officers I would be there forever, and they told me I wouldn't, and I didn't believe them.

Many experiences with Ra, and seeing the sun was white hot, thinking I had trapped them in an ever-hotter sun, and that they were suffering and blaming me for it.

Hearing a song by a group Ra (Do You call my name?) and thinking they were singing to me directly.
Being scared at Halloween by the static on the TV.
Thinking that every movie, news, tv show was talking to me directly.

I have heard that having schizophrenia would make me a more natural shaman, if I were to explore that path.
I get excited about becoming one, but I don't know if I have what it takes.
I don't really have the love to help other people that I should.
I haven't been called to become a shaman, because that call nearly kills you.
You either become a shaman or die. And it hasn't been like that for me.

Seeing two stars (suns) on a tv show and thinking they were the anthro star and the furry star.
Continually walking, unable to sit still for long.
Thinking I was transforming into a blue anthro, and that I had to be microwaved (painlessly) to transform.
So my jail cell (solitary) turned into a microwave chamber. I could hear the fan.

Seeing a printer levitate at the jail.
Getting down on the floor in front of officers at the jail, and rolling around on the ground. Officer stands on me.
After rolling around, the next day, they told me I behaved very well.

A guy talking to me about being an individual, and that I wanted to go back into the Field, unmanifest.
That he was coming from the Field, and I was going back into the Field.

Your view of reality becomes warped. There are things you believe that simply aren't true, and religion, or Law of One plays a big part.
I explained to that guy the Law of One as he sat in front of me.

I saw a character who looked like I think Ra, with a white pope hat, doing hand gestures to me. He looked blurry because I didn't have my glasses on.
I told him I'd give him my hands because I loved Ra. Then the handcuffs tightened, and squeezed my hands and it hurt and I cried out.
There were marks left on my wrists for a few weeks.

I got to see directly into my subconscious. Saw video (no sound) on TV with the TV off.
Watching a video game that seemed to move super fast and I was wondering how the kid could possibly play that.

Experiencing "climbing the Octave" where I feel like I'm rising up in subdensities (though they are all physical in the mind), and it just gets more violent shaking in my mind.
And then at the top it is peaceful. Looking into the next octave but being blocked by a shield of light.
Looking into the previous Octave and seeing particles moving slowly. Feeling an exhalation of air. Exhalation is how I can explain the feeling of the previous Octave experience.
I don't know if it really  was the previous octave, but that's what was shown to me.