Mental Illness, & Labels

[ada]

I have schizoaffective which is bipolar mixed with schizophrenia.
It is about equally scary and beautiful.
If I had a choice I would have it, because it really helps me explore extremes in reality.
Some stuff so beautiful and adorable that I can't handle it.
Emotional hyper-sensitivity.
Seeing my skin blood red from being mentally microwaved, repeatedly, off and on.
Voices telling you "I wouldn't" when you ask if you should do something illegal and saving you from prison.
Voices telling you to kill your dog.

On meds it's not scary at all. There is some general anxiety, but I do miss feeling like a kid again.
Like I had died and gone to heaven. Feeling euphoric while I sat on my neighbor's deck, thinking I had died, with the warm sun beaming down on me.
Seeing the grass take form of animals and animated, moving slowly.
Seeing shadows on the wall animated, not scary, but very interesting.

Finding a key and seeing a label on it, thinking it was a key to another Octave.
Being told by voices I did so well I could skip the next Octave.
Being afraid because I thought I was going to be trapped in an Octave of Light with no Love. It would get hotter and hotter.
On a hot day, thinking I was at fault for the sun getting so hot and that it would heat up and destroy the earth because of me.
Being in jail for stabbing my dog, and seeing the lights begin to glow red, thinking I was being transported to hell.
Seeing the living room turn red, thinking I'm going to hell, and realizing that I create my own reality, so I fought it.

My stupid religious life made me feel guilty in many of my experiences. I kept thinking hell.
When I was in jail, I felt scared a little, and thought I was going to be there (in hell) forever.
I told the officers I would be there forever, and they told me I wouldn't, and I didn't believe them.

Many experiences with Ra, and seeing the sun was white hot, thinking I had trapped them in an ever-hotter sun, and that they were suffering and blaming me for it.

Hearing a song by a group Ra (Do You call my name?) and thinking they were singing to me directly.
Being scared at Halloween by the static on the TV.
Thinking that every movie, news, tv show was talking to me directly.

I have heard that having schizophrenia would make me a more natural shaman, if I were to explore that path.
I get excited about becoming one, but I don't know if I have what it takes.
I don't really have the love to help other people that I should.
I haven't been called to become a shaman, because that call nearly kills you.
You either become a shaman or die. And it hasn't been like that for me.

That sounds very scary. I think if you have someone whom you trust and can share what you're experiencing at that moment, they can help bring you back to center.