to be harvestable, must one be generally full of joy??

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks for writing this flo. I really appreciate it. Agua told me I have to "choose to live" in order to continue my healing... I've been struggling to fully commit to that choice every day, instead either beating myself up for past failures and painful experiences or ignoring the pain via distraction or literal sleep. It's hard to commit to living my life. And I feel like such a self centered a****** and shitty friend too. God, healing only gets harder the more I mess up, and the more un-heal I am, the more I mess up. And then it's like I become more un-heal. It's like a vicous cycle of pain and regret. I guess I've just gotta commit myself to living better, I dunno. But I know I've got to break the cycle.
So thanks dor posting that. It helps.

It Is so funny EP, I see you as charming, and all fighting a d courageous and never giving up...  Just forget, what was past, probably much better than what you judge,  any morning is totally new, just for you  !!

Thanks flo, but I haven't mistreated you in any way. I've mistreated my ex-friend and I've been too selfish to be called a friend to Agua. I still have some majour growing to do. I think it's something to do with the sense of worthlessness and powerlessness I feel. Agua says I'm under illusions about myself created by past trauma. Trauma that has me feeling on the unconcsious level that I NEED connection to others to stay alive. I dunno if that's true or not. What I do know is that I've let myself become self absorbed and demanding of others and that I look at myself and see someone who is desperately needy and whose needy behaviour results in self absorption and demandingness. So I'm trying to learn to be kinder to others and I guess the way to do that is to have a better relationship with myself. To heal myself.

Thanks for calling me courageous and such. I hope I can live up to that. I wish my ex-friend saw me that way. I wish I saw myself in a better light. All I can do if I want the suffering to stop without suicide is work towards changing myself. I'm working to heal and grow into the man I've always wanted to be: confident, socially and romantically successful, and good at guitar. But before I can summon the internal power for change necessary to do all that I must heal myself. It all feels like it's going at a snail's pace and I've been admonished for looking/hoping for quick fixes. So this process is going to take a long while. And I mean decades. I may not like how I've been in the past but you're right about every morning being new. Next time I talk to Agua I'm going to try to treat him better. I'm out of chances with my ex-friend. Without that external validation, it's going to be even harder. But I've got to find a way to improve my situation and heal myself. I appreciate that you think well of me for not giving up on this. I suppose I should take pride in getting up like this after slamming so hard against rock bottom so many times. So thanks for the encouragement. I just hope I make progress and don't stay where I don't want to be. It definitely feels like an uphill battle. Sometimes though, it feels more like Sisyphus pushing his rock up that hill, only to have it always roll back down again. I hope I'm not Sisyphus. I really want to get over that hill victoriously. But it feels like I have to change SO MUCH...

I've got to treat others better, become independent, make enough to travel and live comfortably,develop a good spiritual practice and make steady habits out of it, drastically improve my social and romantic life, heal myself, unblock all 3 of my lower chakras, become more confident, kill my neediness, learn to play guitar, live productively, get a career I like, get over the friendship breakup, etc.

Those are what I would need to do to get over that hill victoriously, and so far, they all seem to be a LOOONG way off. And every day feels like an immense challenge just to make a miniscule amount of progress.

Then, when I get over that hill, however long it takes, I can focus on opening my green chakra and being more servicable to others. That seems like an even longer way off.

So anyway, thanks for posting that post you posted, about depressed people neesing to make a choice. It helps me feel like I've got more resolve. And I really NEED resolve right now.

So thank you