EDITED OUT BECAUSE IT WAS A MISTAKE TO POST THIS

[kristina]

I hate myself. And I am beginning to hate my higher self. I hate the experiences I've been programmed to experience, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this seeming "Kobayashi Maru" of a life (for those who don't get the Star Trek reference, Kobayashi Maru was a simulated program that was designed to be unwinnable so the trainee could learn to accept failure) I hate that too. I want to commit suicide, but I see no point in it, because I'll just inevitably be reborn with the same issues and experience the same humiliations, defeats, losses and rejections. I feel like I've got no way to lash out against this universe for putting me in a situation I can't win at while others around me succeed without even having to struggle for it in the ways I want to succeed. I recognize in theory that I AM those people and they are me, but I can't appreciate that in my heart, so I fucking hate them for the blessings they've been bestowed that I can't ever hope to achieve. I hate them for the winning hand they've been dealt in life. It feels like all the self healing in the world won't make what I want achievable and I feel like I am losing hope. I don't want to just heal and cope with the futility of life. I want to WIN.

I don't know what to do about this because I can't suicide my way out of it and homicide will accomplish nothing as well. I won't accept defeat. So what do I do? Do I just live every lifetime stubbornly striving to get what I want, like Sisyphus pushing his rock up a hill?

I don't know why I'm asking this here. I don't expect anyone to have any answers that are useful to me. I just feel stuck and I'm grasping at straws to get unstuck.

Side note: I am beginning to doubt more and more that I am a wanderer. Because I do NOT find the opportunity to serve this planet worth the personal suffering I've had to go through and the futility I've had to face in order to do whatever nebulous "service" I came here to do. And I can't think of a way to serve this planet any more than any 3d native jerkoff could. Nor do I feel any more inclined to be of service than any native 3D jerkoff. I think most people who read the Law of One look at how different they feel from others (which is a normal thing for everybody) and thinks to themselves "I must be a wanderer! That's it! The reason I feel so unique and different and isolated is because I'm not of this dimension, not because I AM of this dimension and these feelings are just part of the human condition" If I am wanderer, f*** myself so much for choosing to incarnate here. I doubt I'll be graduating this harvest. And I doubt I'll be of much service to humanity. And honestly at this point, I feel like I'm running out of fucks to give.

Your last words...If I am a Wanderer...you don't think your words are a service to someone? Already a few have responded and that means they are reading the words and hopefully utilizing your words for learning. I amof the One's you hate because I continually bless you. But, I swear to you, though you cannot see it now, you will be of service actively someday and by proxy right now as your self loathing teaches others how it happens, why it happens, how to recognize it, how to support and love another while this darkness is their spokesperson. Not all but most of us have suffered in some way so deeply that it caused a serious shift in insight and foresight. Many have never been the same afterward. I hated me and many have hated themselves and wanted off the planet by their own hands. How I stood still and I am still alive? I DON'T KNOW. Twice I wanted to die and the second time I was serious. You cannot believe that this is a process. The hardest of all learnings. It is like the Tower tarot card. But your feelings are like the 9 of swords. The fight against the feelings, the resistance of what is keeps you in darkness. Surrender. Surrender to life and not to the ending. I swear this is not all there is to this journey. And you're probably a Wanderer. Look, you don't want to hear this but I love you. And I thank you for putting it out there.