EDITED OUT BECAUSE IT WAS A MISTAKE TO POST THIS

[Diana]

I hate myself. And I am beginning to hate my higher self. I hate the experiences I've been programmed to experience, and whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn from this seeming "Kobayashi Maru" of a life (for those who don't get the Star Trek reference, Kobayashi Maru was a simulated program that was designed to be unwinnable so the trainee could learn to accept failure) I hate that too. I want to commit suicide, but I see no point in it, because I'll just inevitably be reborn with the same issues and experience the same humiliations, defeats, losses and rejections. I feel like I've got no way to lash out against this universe for putting me in a situation I can't win at while others around me succeed without even having to struggle for it in the ways I want to succeed. I recognize in theory that I AM those people and they are me, but I can't appreciate that in my heart, so I fucking hate them for the blessings they've been bestowed that I can't ever hope to achieve. I hate them for the winning hand they've been dealt in life. It feels like all the self healing in the world won't make what I want achievable and I feel like I am losing hope. I don't want to just heal and cope with the futility of life. I want to WIN.

I completely understand your feelings. 

One way to handle these feelings for me is to imagine the moments after death. Imagine you stuck it out, your whole life, with all the pain and tribulations and human injustice—all the drama, which when here can cause so much suffering. You stuck the whole thing out, and now you have passed on. And there you are, saying something like, "Freaking awesome! I did it! I didn't give up. I did what I went to do (doesn't matter what that is) and I didn't give up."

I imagine what I would feel like if I'd given up because it can be so very hard here. And this gives me the motivation to go on, to be productive in some way.