Major life catalysts

[JJCarsonian]

1) @ 21 went trough major general anxiety
2) @ 22 lost my physical breathing
3) @ 23 got into spirituality
4) @ 24 lost my source of income, my dream passion
5) @ 25 lost my dream job, found that i am God

6) Now 29, trying to make money and have fun, 4 years without major life catalysts

How did you lose your physical breathing?

I was 2-3 years old the first "catalyst" I remember happening–I had an asthma attack. Between the ages of then and ehh, 23ish, my asthma got BAD, which was likely a major life shaper as a child because I couldn't play very hard, so I often found myself in situations where I was sitting with people much older than me, having conversations much older than me. I suppose it reminds me of that. I couldn't give you exact years, but I experienced bronchitis almost every year between the ages of eh, 8-mid twenties when it started tapering off. This would last for around a month, with a period of a couple of weeks where I couldn't lay down because I would cough so hard I would eventually vomit. I would have a bucket beside my bed because I was used to waking up, coughing up chunks, blood, and foam and a lot of saliva. Once I went to the ER because a doctor thought I might be having a heart attack, only to have it concluded I'd just used my inhaler too much and they then sent me off doing nothing to improve my asthma which had led me to overuse my inhaler.

I was in my young twenties at that point, I remember tracking my pulse at 140 and being told it wasn't a problem, just general anxiety/inhaler consequences. I never had a heart rate under 100 at that point. It was kind of frightening.

When I was... I want to say somewhere between 8-9, my mother lost a baby. This was a major catalyst because this was the point where I set my childhood aside and became a responsible angel who was almost never a problem, who did more than she had to without too much complaining. Mom sank into a depressed spiral which lasted many years and was like a weight in the middle of a canvas, dragging us all towards that depressed centre. Then when I was 15-16, my mom had a seizure and lost her license. I had a learner's permit so I became the Driver... again, a continued length of me being the adult while she couldn't do all the adulting. The seizure did do some permanent damage to her memory and I feel like it was at that point, I gave up on being a teenager and was just an adult in a younger body... yeah, every teen feels that way, but I lived it. I had half a wine cooler shared with my mom on my 18th birthday, didn't have any sex until my late twenties and didn't have any drugs until my later twenties, which was the period I deem to be my "I needed to screw around and be a kid for a while" point, a few years ago, the period where I got it out of my system and did some "bad things", like I shoplifted a bag of chips once, hooked up with someone old enough to be my grandfather who offered to pay me to be called over when he died to give him a handjob on his deathbed (I did not do this...).

I expect this was also catalyst for my mother, and ultimately had positive results as she did have children after the one she lost who she loves very much and she now has her license, is seizure-free, and gainfully employed where she's able to impact people's lives in a meaningful manner which has relieved some of her depression. It was definitely hard for her, but also hard on me, and very much shaped me into the adult I am, who is capable of setting aside her ego to help.

In the period of my twenties, I underwent extreme social anxiety which dragged me all across the scale from being a stay-home-hideaway suicidal wreck to, well... doing some "things that were bad" because I thought it might bring some of my pep back since the people who did those things talked about them like they were such a rush. I had a period where I couldn't go into my kitchen because I was afraid I would pick up a knife and do something regrettable, mostly to myself. I got a cat, even though I swore earlier in my life that cats were invasive lil aliens who did nothing for the house (indeed I was wrong, he scares mice and has killed a beetle and a moth... truly a hero). I discovered some depths of spirituality I didn't know existed before, and some I knew but only a shadow of the real thing.

I got fired, not once, but twice, though the one went on paperwork as "let go due to the store closing" I'm sure they still would have fired me, and there was one other time where I think if I hadn't quit they were going to fire me soon, and pretty much concluded I don't fit well into the working world. They weren't my dream jobs, though; I didn't hate them, I just did them because I had to, inserting the least amount of effort required to get by. One does not become a freelancer with a hearty passion for the working world. I skimmed the poverty line, ate on the generosity of my friends and family, and whenever I had enough to share, I did, with anyone and everyone who needed it. "I'm the worst person," my depression would say as I was buying a homeless man a sandwich and trying not to burst into tears as he requested extra onions so he'd get more vitamin C and enthused about how it would last him til Thursday. "I'm just doing this so that I feel slightly better off than this person."

There is at least one major catalyst in there which I don't want to talk about which pushed me to the very edges of what I could stand, it was my experience with heartbreak, it is not the usual story with the usual ending of "and they never saw each other again" and people tend to have Opinions based on how they think love is supposed to work. I think it's possible someone could put the story together from my post history but I won't confirm it. Eh. It changed how I view love, anyway, both creating a positive and a negative belief about it. (1: the positive–it is possible to get over immense hurt and continue to love someone in a different way no matter what the internet people tell you, you should 100% trust the relationship you're in over the advice of strangers 2: the negative–love even if it seems pure and good leads to incredible hurt and pain and it's safer to not form those connections with any new people unless you want to inevitably get yourself or someone else hurt, because it is an extreme emotion the other side of the coin is extreme so it's safer to just stay in the lukewarm platonic areas where nobody gets hurt.)

I'm 29 now, and I would describe my twenties as "a burning mess." I'm sure some of it was catalyst, some of it was mental health, some of it was me desperately trying to get some of the itch to be bad out of my system... I'm now past that, but it really was on my mind hard that I needed a vice, SOME way to unwind, I was very tightly coiled before that point and I needed to try all the things that most of the teens had done a decade ago like drinking and drugs and sex.

I am dreading what my 30s and 40s will bring–I'm expecting some uncomfortable deaths (it is guaranteed my cat will die in those two decades, as he's almost 14 or 15 now and the oldest cat that's ever been accounted for was 31), financial security (paid off one credit card), and land ownership (I get stupidly excited about growing things) as I inevitably pursue my course. Back before I was 20 even, I was sure that my lungs were going to kill me before I had a chance to do anything. Now I'm just hoping my heart doesn't. I haven't used my inhaler today and I would say I have not experienced any major life catalyst in over a year. I have had the same part time job and side hustle going on for over a year; the side hustle for like... 6 years now... I have a credit card again, I'm working off of my antidepressant... like things are okay, and no longer a burning heap of refuse and refusals. Still some messes to clean up from the 20s though.

While I tend to attribute the improvement in my breathing to getting on the right medications and taking marijuana (it relaxes me and my lungs too!) I do wonder if some of it was getting rid of the anxiety, I wonder if the inner sense that I had no voice was manifesting in no breathing power and now that I'm more confident, it's led to me being better at breathing, or at least not having anxiety-induced asthma attacks.

I guess it's been sort of rhythmic. At least there are certain gaps in between the worst of it. But there is definitely this period where it felt like I was just being steamrolled relentlessly by awfulness.

Edit: Hm, I think that's new, the starring of profane language. Unimpressed. I'm not a fan of censorship. I altered my post but I can't say I'm too inclined to be back if that's the direction things are moving in.

Wow, what a pretty amazing story, and thank you for writing that. its definitely tough some of the struggles we all go through especially as a kid. I remember as a kid, i use to get anxiety going out in public with my family. I think alot of its because our energy doesn't quite mix well with others. When we are young, our mind and our chakras are still out of balance. As we get older, if we develop our mind appropriately, it can help balance our chakras and provide some protection from other's erratic energy bombardment.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. When did you find the Law of One? Your early medical problems definitely seem like a pre-incarnate decision. I believe my current medical problems have karmic roots to how i've been treating my body. Boy, have I really learned my lesson. Where do you feel like your life is going to take you going forward?