01-11-2011, 07:02 PM
Now it is time for me to share my story. I didn't think it to be important. But it is.
Today I was posting a thank you note to Carla, Jim and Don due to the 30th anniversary of the Ra contact and suddenly I started to cry. "Whaaat?" I thought. Then I realized that while I was typing my heart opened up spontaneously and I wrote it from the heart.
I have serious orange ray issues and almost none green ray activity. But let me begin where it all started.
I was probably born awake. Among other things I remember from my childhood I could see a transparent curtain (=veil?) and blue iridescent balls (=energy, Force?) behind it lined up waiting to serve. I probably could apply Law of Attraction and that's how I got my first bicycle. And I think I remember that I thanked the Creator when I got it. I was ebullient with joy, merging with sun and sky, rain and mud, earth and life. There are no words for those experiencies.
Then my life took dramatic change when I was 7 and went in opposite direction. I went to sleep in order to survive. There are no words to describe the intense suffer, pain and emptiness that followed after that. I wanted to end my life many many times, but there was always something (someone?) in last minutes that interfered.
At age 16-17 I started to seek. I remember among other things how I and my best friend (also hurted tremendously) was runing at nights in the dark fields in country side of Sweden screaming to the stars "Please take us home now! We don't want to be here anymore!". The answer was – silence. Life didn't change. The emptiness was there. And suffer. And pain. Some days it was less intense, and some days were insufferable.
I started to take drugs to survive. I know what people in general say about taking drugs, but I have strong perception that if it weren't for them I wouldn't survive. It was insufferable with this silence, but when I took drugs I didn't care anymore. The suffer and pain was replaced by euphoria. It didn't last longer though. I had three Spirits or whoever they are, that didn't allow me to go too far. I got cought and so did the rest of the group that was doing drugs for much longer than me. But it was always like that. As soon as I did something bad and illegal I got cought. These Three I saw in a meditation about two months ago. They were just pure light. But I was not allowed near them. The message was clear – I was not ready yet.
At age 18 I finally moved from my mother to capital of Sweden where I could be anonymous in the crowd. I was seeking on and off, but couldn't find the satisfaction that could encompass all that was inside me. Magic? Oh yeah! I was familiar with magic before age of 7, so I knew magic! Reincarnation? Oooh yeah! It was one of the building blocks inside me! I remebered one past life before age of seven. Spirituality? Offcourse my horse! And so on and so on. But nothing could give me the whole picture. I believed each and one of these disciplines to be true, but they were fractions, just lonely parts, of the completeness. And I was too young and broken inside to bring them all together to One. So I kept feeling like these fractions, as a lonely part, cut off the completeness.
I didn't live with my mother anymore and that direct horror, but I didn't function either. And there was something inside me. The light that is so beautiful that it hurted me because it was completly opposite to my everyday life. I remember my mother's face all twisted in rage and hate and I didn't understand it. It was confusing. Then she fired away one of her many many really hard slaps and screamed that if I looked at her one more time like that she would kill me. So I needed to stop feeling, stop looking and stop loving. But it was there. That part couldn't be killed. It is there forever. It was the Sacredness that is in all, a part that is Creator. And it is infinite.
Many years later I couldn't bear that beautiful soul inside myself anymore in that cold and empty self and started to write a novel about it. It was very easy once I started it. I have been writing a lot of "books" in my life, but I haven't finish any of them. This book I called the last one. The most important one. If I didn't finish it I would never continue again. Because it was no point in starting to write and never finish anything.
But I did finish it! Oh yes I did, and it was in 200 pages! I named it and printed it. So while I was taking couple of weeks off the editing, I came across Ra material. During first days I felt nausea and love. Love that I only felt during some parts writing my book. Something started to wake up. And then I came across this word – Wanderer. At first nothing happened. I had no desire what so ever to serve. I continued to read on and off, then I took a glimpse on L/L Research's website and came across desciption of a Wanderers and the online edition of the Wanderer's Handbook. It broked me down for 2-3 weeks.
At age 33 I cried and cried and cried and cried... I realized that all that inside myself was not high hopes and sweet dreams. That it was real. The only difference is that I call them "Guardians" in my book, but everything was there. And you see, it needed to be that way, because if I haven't finished my book first, no way that it would pass through my ego. I needed to print it for myself first and then find LOO. It was tears of joy and gratitude. It was tears of relief and liberation.
Through Law of One I was given tools to master the art of living. The hardest part is how to practice this beautiful theory. Knowing is only the first step. The second one is applying. Besides that LOO and L/L Research confirmed me, gave me hope and light, they brought love issue back in my life. When it happened it was like the Creator descended to Earth and smiled to ME!! Humility that I felt is just a trifling word.
Anyway, I had 11 dramatic years, from age 7 til 18. I was among other things raised with REALLY negative, STS methods. Now I don't remember where I read about this phenomena that happens when green ray entity comes under the controll of yellow ray entity, if it was in Ra material or Quo, but I think it is stated somewhere that when it happens the green ray entity go back to orange ray level. And weeeell, I don't have to tell you that I have REALLY serious orange ray issues. Low self-esteem is just a beginning of it! I have been working a lot with this ray. In doing this a lot of other centers opened up. Red, yellow, blue, indigo and violet. But not green.
About two weeks ago I had a dream. I was in a big metaphysical spacestation located somewhere near the Earth. It was very familiar there and I belonged there. It was like a school with a lot of entities inside. It was "my" school. There are teachers there (but not in Earth kind authority fashion) and I was pleased to do whatever I wanted there. Then one teacher showed up and groups of "students" gathered around him. I was also a "student" but chose to not to participate. So when others harried to him and I went the other way, in that moment I stoped, amazed by my behaivor and asked very consciously: "Why do I always do that?". And then there was a deep voice that surrounded and pierced me. This voice was accepting, loving and understanding, filled with wisdom and consolation – "Because you need to heal first". Next second I woke up and felt that I understood it all. I still do.
I have a lot of spirituality. I know a lot of things. LOO confirmed what I wrote in my book and gave me many words that I couldn't get right for many concepts. LOO gave me tools to apply it in this art of living. I have a lot of wisdom (well, as far as I think, doesn't mean that it is actually true) :p. I can contact angels, spirits, and Higher Powers. I can contact the One and my Higher Self. Why am I writing it? Because I can't live. My heart broke 26 years ago and I can't find the way back to it. And since it is all about love I have serious problems.
It is a struggle for each and one of us. We all have some issues, conscious or unconsious. And sometimes I wonder what would have happen if my mother didn't provide me with this great sacrifice and gave this catalyst. Would I have fall asleep and grown up to a normal person? Because allready then I understood that grown ups didn't see or feel what I saw and felt. And sometimes I feel sorrow for loosing that child I once was, embracing and living every moment filled with love, compassion and indescribable joy.
Today I know that I need to learn to love, and live by the heart despite all that horror and hate, I need to learn to once again open it up and love... Love – such a easy word, but my heart got broken and has been closed for 26 years now... Today I am surrounded by a lot of love. Everybody loves me, even my mother. But I can't feel it. I understand it and I "love" them back. I know what to do and how to act. I know the right words, I am good with words, but I don't feel . It is empty and cold. I am living with my head and lately with my Sacredness (Higher Self?), but green ray is dark as the night.
//I hope to see you all after the Harvest, if not – send me some love cause I'm gonna need it. Thank you for reading.
Today I was posting a thank you note to Carla, Jim and Don due to the 30th anniversary of the Ra contact and suddenly I started to cry. "Whaaat?" I thought. Then I realized that while I was typing my heart opened up spontaneously and I wrote it from the heart.
I have serious orange ray issues and almost none green ray activity. But let me begin where it all started.
I was probably born awake. Among other things I remember from my childhood I could see a transparent curtain (=veil?) and blue iridescent balls (=energy, Force?) behind it lined up waiting to serve. I probably could apply Law of Attraction and that's how I got my first bicycle. And I think I remember that I thanked the Creator when I got it. I was ebullient with joy, merging with sun and sky, rain and mud, earth and life. There are no words for those experiencies.
Then my life took dramatic change when I was 7 and went in opposite direction. I went to sleep in order to survive. There are no words to describe the intense suffer, pain and emptiness that followed after that. I wanted to end my life many many times, but there was always something (someone?) in last minutes that interfered.
At age 16-17 I started to seek. I remember among other things how I and my best friend (also hurted tremendously) was runing at nights in the dark fields in country side of Sweden screaming to the stars "Please take us home now! We don't want to be here anymore!". The answer was – silence. Life didn't change. The emptiness was there. And suffer. And pain. Some days it was less intense, and some days were insufferable.
I started to take drugs to survive. I know what people in general say about taking drugs, but I have strong perception that if it weren't for them I wouldn't survive. It was insufferable with this silence, but when I took drugs I didn't care anymore. The suffer and pain was replaced by euphoria. It didn't last longer though. I had three Spirits or whoever they are, that didn't allow me to go too far. I got cought and so did the rest of the group that was doing drugs for much longer than me. But it was always like that. As soon as I did something bad and illegal I got cought. These Three I saw in a meditation about two months ago. They were just pure light. But I was not allowed near them. The message was clear – I was not ready yet.
At age 18 I finally moved from my mother to capital of Sweden where I could be anonymous in the crowd. I was seeking on and off, but couldn't find the satisfaction that could encompass all that was inside me. Magic? Oh yeah! I was familiar with magic before age of 7, so I knew magic! Reincarnation? Oooh yeah! It was one of the building blocks inside me! I remebered one past life before age of seven. Spirituality? Offcourse my horse! And so on and so on. But nothing could give me the whole picture. I believed each and one of these disciplines to be true, but they were fractions, just lonely parts, of the completeness. And I was too young and broken inside to bring them all together to One. So I kept feeling like these fractions, as a lonely part, cut off the completeness.
I didn't live with my mother anymore and that direct horror, but I didn't function either. And there was something inside me. The light that is so beautiful that it hurted me because it was completly opposite to my everyday life. I remember my mother's face all twisted in rage and hate and I didn't understand it. It was confusing. Then she fired away one of her many many really hard slaps and screamed that if I looked at her one more time like that she would kill me. So I needed to stop feeling, stop looking and stop loving. But it was there. That part couldn't be killed. It is there forever. It was the Sacredness that is in all, a part that is Creator. And it is infinite.
Many years later I couldn't bear that beautiful soul inside myself anymore in that cold and empty self and started to write a novel about it. It was very easy once I started it. I have been writing a lot of "books" in my life, but I haven't finish any of them. This book I called the last one. The most important one. If I didn't finish it I would never continue again. Because it was no point in starting to write and never finish anything.
But I did finish it! Oh yes I did, and it was in 200 pages! I named it and printed it. So while I was taking couple of weeks off the editing, I came across Ra material. During first days I felt nausea and love. Love that I only felt during some parts writing my book. Something started to wake up. And then I came across this word – Wanderer. At first nothing happened. I had no desire what so ever to serve. I continued to read on and off, then I took a glimpse on L/L Research's website and came across desciption of a Wanderers and the online edition of the Wanderer's Handbook. It broked me down for 2-3 weeks.
At age 33 I cried and cried and cried and cried... I realized that all that inside myself was not high hopes and sweet dreams. That it was real. The only difference is that I call them "Guardians" in my book, but everything was there. And you see, it needed to be that way, because if I haven't finished my book first, no way that it would pass through my ego. I needed to print it for myself first and then find LOO. It was tears of joy and gratitude. It was tears of relief and liberation.
Through Law of One I was given tools to master the art of living. The hardest part is how to practice this beautiful theory. Knowing is only the first step. The second one is applying. Besides that LOO and L/L Research confirmed me, gave me hope and light, they brought love issue back in my life. When it happened it was like the Creator descended to Earth and smiled to ME!! Humility that I felt is just a trifling word.
Anyway, I had 11 dramatic years, from age 7 til 18. I was among other things raised with REALLY negative, STS methods. Now I don't remember where I read about this phenomena that happens when green ray entity comes under the controll of yellow ray entity, if it was in Ra material or Quo, but I think it is stated somewhere that when it happens the green ray entity go back to orange ray level. And weeeell, I don't have to tell you that I have REALLY serious orange ray issues. Low self-esteem is just a beginning of it! I have been working a lot with this ray. In doing this a lot of other centers opened up. Red, yellow, blue, indigo and violet. But not green.
About two weeks ago I had a dream. I was in a big metaphysical spacestation located somewhere near the Earth. It was very familiar there and I belonged there. It was like a school with a lot of entities inside. It was "my" school. There are teachers there (but not in Earth kind authority fashion) and I was pleased to do whatever I wanted there. Then one teacher showed up and groups of "students" gathered around him. I was also a "student" but chose to not to participate. So when others harried to him and I went the other way, in that moment I stoped, amazed by my behaivor and asked very consciously: "Why do I always do that?". And then there was a deep voice that surrounded and pierced me. This voice was accepting, loving and understanding, filled with wisdom and consolation – "Because you need to heal first". Next second I woke up and felt that I understood it all. I still do.
I have a lot of spirituality. I know a lot of things. LOO confirmed what I wrote in my book and gave me many words that I couldn't get right for many concepts. LOO gave me tools to apply it in this art of living. I have a lot of wisdom (well, as far as I think, doesn't mean that it is actually true) :p. I can contact angels, spirits, and Higher Powers. I can contact the One and my Higher Self. Why am I writing it? Because I can't live. My heart broke 26 years ago and I can't find the way back to it. And since it is all about love I have serious problems.
It is a struggle for each and one of us. We all have some issues, conscious or unconsious. And sometimes I wonder what would have happen if my mother didn't provide me with this great sacrifice and gave this catalyst. Would I have fall asleep and grown up to a normal person? Because allready then I understood that grown ups didn't see or feel what I saw and felt. And sometimes I feel sorrow for loosing that child I once was, embracing and living every moment filled with love, compassion and indescribable joy.
Today I know that I need to learn to love, and live by the heart despite all that horror and hate, I need to learn to once again open it up and love... Love – such a easy word, but my heart got broken and has been closed for 26 years now... Today I am surrounded by a lot of love. Everybody loves me, even my mother. But I can't feel it. I understand it and I "love" them back. I know what to do and how to act. I know the right words, I am good with words, but I don't feel . It is empty and cold. I am living with my head and lately with my Sacredness (Higher Self?), but green ray is dark as the night.
//I hope to see you all after the Harvest, if not – send me some love cause I'm gonna need it. Thank you for reading.
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