So much confusion, seeking clarity

[Ray711]

Wow, such an insightful reply. Thank you kindly.

So initially I was feeling that if I had some clarity that the pain would soon cease it made it a little easier to bear
but eventually It simply subsided and all I was left with was curiosity. My wanting to end it all also passed and I just
grew to accept that I'm a highly sensitive person and Its dangerous to let the pain of others cripple me because I'm no service to anyone
if I'm balled up in a corner sobbing. However I do limit my exposure as I build my emotional strength. I'm on social media maybe 5 mins a day
if at all, haven't watched the news in years, now I don't even read it or watch videos relating to it on my desktop, I watch tv that uplifts my heart
and I've been doing so much work on myself I'm hardly recognizable from 4 years ago. From 2015-2018 I was living in what felt like hell.
My best friend committed suicide, I got divorced, my daughter was hospitalized for cannabis induced psychosis, a month later my mother was hospitalized, so from me taking care of them both, I lost my job, then was evicted from my apt, then lost my car (victim of a hit and run). Yep you read that right, Death, Divorce, Illness, Job loss, Home loss, car loss all within months from each-other.  

I felt like I fell in a deep dark hole and the harder I tried to climb out the deeper I fell in. It spawned my spiritual awakening and BOOM, Now I'm above ground
and although I don't understand alot of what I've learned, I do feel stronger, wiser, brighter and more alive than ever before. I'm a spiritual warrior for sure
I just wish my head understood more but my heart feels wide open and made of gold. My faith is unmatched, So I guess I'm def moving in the right direction, and it's comforting to know there are others who read the things I'm drawn to so I"m not a total weirdo, just wishing for more clarity. The pain didnt kill me, it made me a Spiritual Warrior and a light brighter than I ever knew I could be. Ive always been STO just no longer at my detriment.

Thank you again for your time, hopefully my curiosity will subside and wanting clarity wont keep my brain wandering at night.

Happy New Year and New us!

I'm sorry you had to deal with such harsh events, and with so many of them, one after another... That must have been so painful. But I'm glad you managed to pull through and make something out of those experiences.

I've always lived in my mind, myself, and I feel a strong pull towards the notion wisdom. So, I understand trying to gain clarity and to understand things. For myself, I know I feel better when I recognize that I do not understand, and when I make peace with this fact. I truly don't think we're here to understand. When I adopt this mindset, it allows me to appreciate better the mere act of being. I don't have much going on in my life at all, but I find it helps to submerge oneself in beingness, in regaining a child-like fascination with the things around oneself. Watching an ant and being amazed by the complexity in its apparent simplicity, watching one's hand and realizing how special it is that this or any other part of our bodies that we take for granted took millions and millions of years to become what it is and the complexity and beauty that there is behind every single movement we can make. Or being amazed at the unfathomable, mysterious and wonderful fact that consciousness even exists, and that we are it. Even if things are negative around us, I think it's absolutely amazing that something like consciousness exists to witness even that negativity.

Like you said, you are not alone or a weirdo. We're few and far between, I feel, but fortunately we can rely on communities like bring4th to feel more at home.