01-26-2011, 02:42 PM
Thanks, Deekun. I do tend to worry about saying things that will make people look down on me. I constantly fear that I talk too much and I'm annoying people, and I try to keep quiet as much as I can. I think this stems back to my grade school years, where I was pretty much unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. I was usually off on some other planet in my head and most people didn't have a clue what I was talking about. When I talked about this stuff like it was real they either thought I was retarded or I was just trying to get attention, and they treated me like an annoyance. I still can't seem to get over the fear that no one is really interested in anything I have to say, and every time I talk for more than a few minutes I worry if I'm pushing my boundaries and they're just too nice to say anything. I know it's a distorted view...it's just hard working out things that were programmed into me since childhood. Occasionally I still get the irrational fear that I'm going to the Christian hell I had drilled into my head every Sunday morning for 20 years as well.
I had a terrible nightmare last night. There was this cult that was killing babies in horrible ways, sacrificing them to their dark gods and stuff. Horrible things were being done to these children...it was immensely graphic and made me sick to look at it. There were also human heads everywhere. I couldn't interact with anyone in the dream...I was just an invisible observer, or I would have been trying to stop it. I also remember a part of the dream in which I was standing in my hallway by the bathroom and I felt a really cold, negative presence at my back. It was so strong it was making my body shake uncontrollably. None of the lights in the house would turn on. I started singing "The Lord is my Shepherd", which was the first song that came into my head, and it finally eased up.
I really wish my subconscious didn't have to be so dramatic all the time. I'm always having these outlandish dreams. When I was in a metaphysics class and we would all compare dreams, our teacher said I had a "huge imagination" and wouldn't really even take a lot of my dreams seriously because they are so "out there." The more theatrical and graphic the dreams become, the harder they are for me to interpret because the initial shock of it is so distracting. Maybe I'm just not getting the messages so it just gets more and more intense. Blarg.
I had a terrible nightmare last night. There was this cult that was killing babies in horrible ways, sacrificing them to their dark gods and stuff. Horrible things were being done to these children...it was immensely graphic and made me sick to look at it. There were also human heads everywhere. I couldn't interact with anyone in the dream...I was just an invisible observer, or I would have been trying to stop it. I also remember a part of the dream in which I was standing in my hallway by the bathroom and I felt a really cold, negative presence at my back. It was so strong it was making my body shake uncontrollably. None of the lights in the house would turn on. I started singing "The Lord is my Shepherd", which was the first song that came into my head, and it finally eased up.
I really wish my subconscious didn't have to be so dramatic all the time. I'm always having these outlandish dreams. When I was in a metaphysics class and we would all compare dreams, our teacher said I had a "huge imagination" and wouldn't really even take a lot of my dreams seriously because they are so "out there." The more theatrical and graphic the dreams become, the harder they are for me to interpret because the initial shock of it is so distracting. Maybe I'm just not getting the messages so it just gets more and more intense. Blarg.