I have a dilemma

[meadow-foreigner]

I'm really not well at all right now, and I felt more stable and functional when I was polarizing negatively.

If you're versed in astrology, I have Lilith in my 12th house (a strong draw towards seductive energies and a strong desire to use them, a predisposition to dark thoughts. This is often considered to be the most unfortunate placement of Lilith) and Pluto conjunct my north node in Scorpio (my life path heavily revolves around power, transformation, and destruction as renewal).

There's a lot of trauma I have, and often when I think I've forgiven people and am ready to move on, I begin feeling the trauma again and anger about it. It felt more natural for me to see this anger and pain as fuel I could draw energy and power from to keep going, rather than something I had to ultimately turn into love, which makes me feel like more of a doormat than anything.

The culture of this generation (I'm in my 20's) also has a strong negative influence, and I feel far more isolated when I feel wrong in expressing negative emotions or sentiments, which are common among most social circles I find.

Let me present an analogy to what I've understood from your depiction of your conflict, so your intellectual self might abstract an idea from it:

You have a brain. A brain that, despite being a note or two more prominent than the average primate brain (picture a chimpanzee if you will), is still intimately related to a primate brain.

• Your brain is your Operating System for this hologram;
  
• You have a certain set of programming that is peculiar to you and your ontogenesis.
  

This configuration is what makes you trigger to some stimuli while ignoring other stimuli.
These triggers link patterns of behavior that were found to be optimal in the past to your mind/body complex.

You relate about a certain behavior that feels undesirable by a 'part' of you, yet it seems to be hard-wired so it just keeps looping whenever the triggers occur.

This inner conflict creates an effect equivalent to the Joule Effect, in which there is a loss of efficiency in the transformation of part of the system's energy in heat.
Because the brain clings to known patterns and has learned to be somewhat aversive to "upgrades" in its configuration, you lose efficiency in your expression of Self.

Is it worth to keep the current programming? If not, how would you "convince" your brain that the upgrade is worth it?

By the way, forgiving others is but the half-way. Truly, timelessly forgiving yourself is the other half.