I think I'll try to compromise for now.
I've been seeing things in extremes. Previously, it's either been I unconditonally love people who I'm not ready to love right now, and probably won't be able to for a long time, or it's f*** everyone.
There was a psychological article I read that described 'unburdening' as an alternative to forgiveness. Maybe that's not the end goal from a metaphysical perspective, but it's the best I can do now while maintaining my stability. Then maybe someday I can genuinely feel forgiveness instead of hate.
A few years ago I was at a place where I was ready to manipulate and drain everyone indiscriminately because I felt betrayed and abandoned by everyone I'd already known, and that I had nothing. There's still people I hate deep down, but I don't have the fire in me to go all the way with that hate and emanate it towards everyone right now.
I'm not ready to be all sweetness and light either right now, but maybe that will change eventually.
The one thing I'm worried about is still being able to express any type of negativity at all. There was a time in 2016 where I blew up at someone in anger and got in a car accident a few days later, things like that. I really dislike having apparently extreme repercussions programmed in for things that most people seem to be able to express normally... One of the other things that attracted me to the negative path, besides desperation and despair, was freedom to embody my shadow. I'd still like that freedom to express my shadow without feeling like I'll immediately be punished or whatever.
I've been seeing things in extremes. Previously, it's either been I unconditonally love people who I'm not ready to love right now, and probably won't be able to for a long time, or it's f*** everyone.
There was a psychological article I read that described 'unburdening' as an alternative to forgiveness. Maybe that's not the end goal from a metaphysical perspective, but it's the best I can do now while maintaining my stability. Then maybe someday I can genuinely feel forgiveness instead of hate.
A few years ago I was at a place where I was ready to manipulate and drain everyone indiscriminately because I felt betrayed and abandoned by everyone I'd already known, and that I had nothing. There's still people I hate deep down, but I don't have the fire in me to go all the way with that hate and emanate it towards everyone right now.
I'm not ready to be all sweetness and light either right now, but maybe that will change eventually.
The one thing I'm worried about is still being able to express any type of negativity at all. There was a time in 2016 where I blew up at someone in anger and got in a car accident a few days later, things like that. I really dislike having apparently extreme repercussions programmed in for things that most people seem to be able to express normally... One of the other things that attracted me to the negative path, besides desperation and despair, was freedom to embody my shadow. I'd still like that freedom to express my shadow without feeling like I'll immediately be punished or whatever.