I have a dilemma

[888]

These next two posts are just me venting my frustrations and nobody's obligated to read it, including the people I quoted. I just needed to write it. I'm well aware that dealing with other people's negative emotions often isn't fun.

Find a goal and learn using your mind by setting a goal. It could be anything. But go all out, keep it in your mind as if it was really important, keep coming back to it. You will learn how to use your mind properly.

Also, do something explosive that drains your physical energy. Go start boxing, buy a sandbag you can hit. You would be surprised how good it can feel when you are angry. If you learn how to do it properly even better, but preferably don't think of using it on people, think about yourself and stuff you hate about yourself when you really feel like "hitting the bag".

The spirit part of this complex exercise is to keep on believing in positive results even when you lose faith in a positive outcome. This is probably the hardest part.

If you are so much drawn to power, find power structures that you can join. You will either enjoy it or understand why it's not designed for most people. It's a win-win.

Your help is appreciated, but I should add more context. I've done all these things for many years, and I'm still doing them, and I feel like it's been leading nowhere.

I'm very physically fit, and I exercise on a regular basis. I've practiced martial arts on and off for 14 years. There's several things I worked extremely hard at over the last decade (when my other issues weren't getting in the way) and almost saw results from, then things always fell apart at the last moment.

I had an internship with Disney years ago. That same year, I could have been part of a start-up that was having hundreds of thousands of dollars invested in it. Everything led nowhere or fell apart. There's several times where I felt like my worldly dreams would come true, and I wouldn't have to worry about money any more, and then my past mental instability or negative events got in my way.

There's multiple creative pursuits I have, that I just don't have the time or energy to complete on a regular basis right now. I'm struggling economically because I didn't see all of that through. The worst part is I know that a huge amount of it is my fault, which makes me feel worse and intensifies my hate.

A lot of my rage is also from getting so close to my goals so many times and not feeling like I have to struggle, then feeling like 'God' just shoves Its hand in my face and sends me back to struggle, almost as if me having worldly power and comfort wouldn't be 'positive.'

I'm tired of struggling, especially when I already came close to being free and then had it fall apart, over and over again. I also wanted to go negative because I felt like there might be some type of limitation, that I couldn't be comfortable and 'positive' at the same time... I still wonder about that.

It's worse because it feels like the world's falling apart now, and maybe I 'ran out of time.' I took all these risks and put in all this effort, and I might have nothing to show for it, and no more chances.

I really don't want to sound defeatist or whiny or self-glorifying or whatever. I just don't know what else to fucking do at this point. I keep pushing, I keep getting back up, and I have the same self-destructive, self-sabotaging patterns play out again. I recognize them, I analyze them. I've read books and a ton of articles on psychology, I have hundreds of pages of journals, and hundreds of pages of dream journals over the last several years, I analyze them and see if I can integrate their lessons. I've really tried to get to the bottom of all my issues and it feels like I have very little to show for it.