02-01-2011, 12:21 PM
Once again I'm extremely late to a thread. Been out of town for a few days.
I'm not sure I'd be great on advice here, but I can definitely say that I resonate with your feelings. Being honest with myself has been a lifelong struggle, and most of it seemed to stem from shame I felt due to actions I perceived to be unwise or flawed. I lost faith in myself when it came to making correct decisions, and delusions formed to shield me from the pain of this lack of faith quickly filled the hole. In my case I continually played the victim. I constantly experienced rather intense psychic greetings and I allowed myself to believe that I was an innocent victim being preyed upon, and that I deserved sympathy, both from others and from my unforgiving self.
In reality, I WANTED the greetings and enjoyed them on some subconscious level, because it was a great distraction from the pain brewing deep in my heart. It made me feel special, and in some twisted sense, wanted. I was secretly pleased that negative entities would go to such great lengths to interfere in my life, as I saw myself as insignificant and not worth anybody's time. The things that happened to me were not pleasant, but I was drawing them all to myself. I was flashing a beacon saying COME HERE! Through my inability to accept myself and evaluate my feelings honestly, I was tearing huge holes in my aura and allowing all sorts of things through.
I only share this because all that pain I brought upon myself came from a lack of self-honesty and self-respect. When I finally realized what I was doing I felt a deep shame, but I've realized that looking at the situation objectively is just about the only way to "fix" things. I had to step back from my own shame, fear, doubt and my personal attachment to my actions and observe them as if they were a science experiment, with a neutral disposition. I had to see my conscious self as an unaware test subject who was reacting to programmed catalyst in whatever way seemed natural and instinctive. By doing this I could them forgive myself for my blind actions, and, as the master scientist, I could re-adjust the variables of the experiment in order to produce more favorable outcomes. Now that I've relinquished my dependence on psychic greeting I don't experience it nearly as often as I used to.
I know this probably isn't the same as your situation, but I hope it helps a little.
I'm not sure I'd be great on advice here, but I can definitely say that I resonate with your feelings. Being honest with myself has been a lifelong struggle, and most of it seemed to stem from shame I felt due to actions I perceived to be unwise or flawed. I lost faith in myself when it came to making correct decisions, and delusions formed to shield me from the pain of this lack of faith quickly filled the hole. In my case I continually played the victim. I constantly experienced rather intense psychic greetings and I allowed myself to believe that I was an innocent victim being preyed upon, and that I deserved sympathy, both from others and from my unforgiving self.
In reality, I WANTED the greetings and enjoyed them on some subconscious level, because it was a great distraction from the pain brewing deep in my heart. It made me feel special, and in some twisted sense, wanted. I was secretly pleased that negative entities would go to such great lengths to interfere in my life, as I saw myself as insignificant and not worth anybody's time. The things that happened to me were not pleasant, but I was drawing them all to myself. I was flashing a beacon saying COME HERE! Through my inability to accept myself and evaluate my feelings honestly, I was tearing huge holes in my aura and allowing all sorts of things through.
I only share this because all that pain I brought upon myself came from a lack of self-honesty and self-respect. When I finally realized what I was doing I felt a deep shame, but I've realized that looking at the situation objectively is just about the only way to "fix" things. I had to step back from my own shame, fear, doubt and my personal attachment to my actions and observe them as if they were a science experiment, with a neutral disposition. I had to see my conscious self as an unaware test subject who was reacting to programmed catalyst in whatever way seemed natural and instinctive. By doing this I could them forgive myself for my blind actions, and, as the master scientist, I could re-adjust the variables of the experiment in order to produce more favorable outcomes. Now that I've relinquished my dependence on psychic greeting I don't experience it nearly as often as I used to.
I know this probably isn't the same as your situation, but I hope it helps a little.
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