Life, Drugs and self-destruction

[rva_jeremy]

I'm working on addictive behaviors involving substances, though not to the degree you seem to be.

In my case, it all began with a change in my attitude. I had been unsuccessful in quitting before. This led to the belief that yet another attempt would undermine my self-esteem yet again. But at some point I realized that I wanted to change. I had to risk failing to have any hope of succeeding. I couldn't take that risk in honesty with myself unless I agreed to let go of all my past mistakes and failures. There was no other way to move forward.

I don't mean to sound uncompassionate; you sound like you're honestly looking for help. But your post contained a list of reasons why you don't seem to have any excuse for your addiction, as if it would make it acceptable if you HAD a good excuse. Your inability to make any excuse for own condition is your best friend. That's the first step, because looking outside oneself for the "reason" is a way to distract oneself and feel like a victim.

Certainly I don't know why you continue down your path, but I know why I continued down mine: because I was afraid to trust myself. It's a leap of faith. Every relapse made the leap even harder. But the attitude of "I'm just going to do it, if I fail, I fail" is the equivalent of "I'm worth fighting for, even if I die trying".

Now, you should not take my advice without counseling from professionals, family, friends, etc. Only you know what you need. But making the first step towards seeking that - in spite of the fact that you can't trust yourself to follow through - is the first step towards becoming a person that you, throughout your post, insist you can't be. But if you really believed that, you'd accept your condition. Clearly, you don't.

I hope you read this with the tenderness, concern, and sympathy with which it was written. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Good luck!