Depression and Accepting or Resisting Futility

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I know this thread is kinda old but I’ve been thinking about loneliness in terms of my own life lately and wanted to share.

From a young age, I felt a profound and utter alienation from those around me. I had parents but..... they may as well have not been there, cause the love they were able to express to themselves and thus to me) was basically nill. At least that’s how it felt as a kid.

So here I am, almost 23, and I still struggle with this feeling of being completely alone, with no home to go to, wandering this world like a motherless child. And this feeling isn’t helped by surrounding myself with people, it might help for a second, but the feeling remains. In other words, it’s been a theme in my life.

Lately I’ve been wondering, what is the meaning behind this wound? What can it teach me?

Well..... I’ve come to realize, we really are alone. On our respective spiritual paths I mean. At least that’s how I look at it. We can’t rely on others to do the work for us, I can’t expect to learn anything when I’m always using things or people as ways to escape this reality.

So.... what I’m beginning to see, is that though the depth of this pain can be great, that depth is also directly correlated to my understanding of this truth, the truth that we are here to do the work on our own. It’s like two sides of a coin.

Once you can re integrate your fragments and lost child self, your isolation will ease in emotion.

The great chain of yourself. The 23 yo helping the 20 yo, helping the 13 yo version of yourself.

Yeah, I've been doing that at various times. It helps.