Divine Re-Invention

[Vestige]

Thank you for sharing your story. I resonate with a lot with what you wrote, I can see some similarities with my own spiritual trajectory.

I feel that everyone has darkness in their past of varying kinds. I suspect I've had lifetimes where I left nothing but destruction, suffering and death in my wake but that is not who I am now. I like that Patrick mentioned being old friends with your Karma because I think the key is acceptance. What you wrote about neurons transmitting accurately ties into this I think, if we follow the way without expectations we help balance our Karma. If we take detours our metaphorical neuron may misfire, we may get lost in delusion or attachment and stray further into the woods.

Why do you think that you are "a negative-polarity wanderer" ?

I am writing here often about negative things, specially about the symbols of satanism.
But i only want to point out that we are sorrounded of them and not to identify with them.
So am I a proponent of satanism?

I have been doing more reading--I am almost always reading, and reconsidering:

My friends, the work of disciplining the personality and purifying the emotions is subtle work. The entity which is yourself is not all good, nor is it all negative. The more positively-oriented an entity is, the more quickly it will jump to the conclusion that it is behaving in a negatively-oriented manner, and the more judgmental it will be with the self. Therefore, as we show to you the basic negative polarity of rushing without rhythm, without consciousness of the winds, physically and metaphysically, we also say to you, refrain from any judgment. Do not assume that because you see the negative cast of this attitude you are indeed a negatively-oriented or polarized person.

So, perhaps I have leaned too far in the realm of assumptions, in declaring that I arrived recently from the negative polarity.  Do I then assume that I am greatly positively-oriented?  No, I don't believe I should do that, either.  Does that mean I am in the sinkhole of indifference?  I hesitate to assume that, also.    

Why am I always reading?  Why do I almost always have some citation in my writing?  And why, as will become evident, do I seem to move from opinion to opinion, especially as regards my own self-identity?  I have found the tool of the enneagram helpful in arriving at a characterization.  I might have the appearance of caprice, of being impulsive or indeliberate, but I am optimistic that there is stability within the movement, as if I were a tree branch in the wind.  

I do also believe it would be healthier if my oscillations resembled more the outward-inward pulse of a heartbeat or breath, rather than the lateralized motion.  
That is, I recognize that I do have some misfiring neurons, let's say, some delusions, some damage, so it may be more accurate to say that as I heal, I will become entrained to a proper rhythm.

To continue the tuning process [p. 24] by examining the character of your own
mind, it is well to settle on that principle to which you, just as you are, can
be wholly faithful. If it is an orthodox religion to which you are drawn then
it is well for you to become an active and practicing religious person. If it is
a philosophical system that appeals to your rational mind, then it behooves
you to choose that one statement of what is true that you consider to be
worthy of your complete fidelity, and practice its dictates and ethics
conscientiously and lovingly. Whatever you choose, keep the pressure up to
be constantly faithful and regular in your pursuit of and devotion to that
which you believe. 

I do believe I am approaching this rhythm.  That is, I do, definitely, desire the positive path.  In fact, last night, I realized that I am so drawn to words such as these -- "approach" and "path" and "pulse" and "movement" and "oscillation" -- because that has been the mould of my life, and it is the grounding principle in my pursuit of the positive path.  

I wrote elsewhere that I appreciate how frolicsome, perhaps, the pattern of my life can be.  Frolicsome isn't quite the right word, I feel.  I have the image of a scavenger hunt, like an Easter egg hunt.  
And, last night, I had discovered the word  μακαρισμός, makarismos, "to pronounce one blessed."  As well, at one point in my life I had adopted the nickname Asher, which also connotes "blessedness."  One scholar writes that the significance is closer to "honor" as in a juxtaposition with "shame."  The two are not opposites.  One leads to the other, and back again.  The scholar roots this concept in the context of the Sermon on the Mount, where weal is promised from woe, for example, blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.  Mourning will be met with comforting, will bring comfort, and in a sense is the comfort or consolation that is promised.
Ra utilizes similar reciprocal constructs, such as the balance between honor and responsibility: "Each responsibility is an honor; each honor, a responsibility."
L/leema adopts this structure in their presented name, saying, "We L-slash leave you in the L-slash love and L-slash light of the infinite Creator. We are one. Do you know what that slash means, my friends: we are one."

The pattern of my own experience has been gilded with surprises, some sorrowful and some jovial.  Since they usually lead one to the other and around again, the makarismos, the pronouncement of blessedness, I had felt was first necessary, and now it is just customary.