Like a misplaced puzzle piece

[sillypumpkins]

It's pretty weird too cause, tbh, I have been pretty horrible in my relationships lately. Like I've created this effect within my relationships wherein I tend to come off as just.. not okay, lately, and in doing that, people don't seem to want to be around me as much. At least, that's my perception. I've been perceiving myself to just be, so down on my luck. And in doing that, I've confirmed my own beliefs by making that a reality.

I've created a self-fulfilling prophecy, it seems. And it's weird having some awareness of that and still just... being horrible sometimes. Especially to the people I'm closest to. But also to myself.

I've also been spending a lot of time alone. Like 95% of my time has been spent alone in the last few months. So that doesn't help imo. Not to mention alcohol too, along with just a very strong desire to stimulate my senses. Whether it's through marijuana, alcohol, food, virtual media , etc. I often feel like I'm constantly trying to fill some perceived gap in my self, or like I'm always trying to make up for some perceived "lack" in my self. So I drink, smoke, eat, or whatever. Not to mention always draining my resources (money).....

I guess what I'm trying to say is that through all this suffering that I've been experiencing, I've come to see how intimately my own choices are tied to what my experience looks like. If that makes sense