03-25-2022, 09:23 PM
I feel drawn to write here again, as I had already saved an offline copy of this thread for further reflection, and so I figure I may as well "think out loud."
As may be evident, I... vacillate. I am able to appraise myself--that is, I am able to construct claims about myself... but then those feelings of comprehension turn to apprehension. I question myself so much that it sometimes feels like an interrogation. If anyone here is familiar with the Ennagram--I am a Type Six with a Five Wing, which some call "the Guardian." I am deeply suspicious of myself... Am I this, or am I that? Am I really? For the right reasons?...
I am obsessed with myself, yet in this critical fashion...
I read this passage today: The way to pursue being a witness to the light is to live today. The hopes for tomorrow, the regrets or memories of yesterday, aid in many things but do not aid in bearing witness to the love and the light within. By the time the impulse has reached the manifested expression it no longer bears witness to truth but to the judgment of the individual who is editing the self. Therefore, go ahead and edit the self, for such is the way of service to others. But allow the self to heal from these expressions by spending time and attention just letting go of and releasing the pains and joys alike to the infinite One. These are the harvests that the Creator desires. These are the expressions of love that the Creator appreciates. Just as you are, you are loved, and this is the thing of the moment, for each moment, each instant is as that point from which a universe of possibility depends. Each moment is a moment of choice. Each moment is an opportunity for witness. Each moment is infinite. [https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/1996/0324]
The regrets or memories of yesterday, aid in many things but do not aid in bearing witness to the love and the light within... let[] go and releas[e] the pains and joys alike to the infinite One. ... Regrets or memories. I sense that the term "memories" here is intended to serve as a catch-all for any form of emotionally-charged remembrance--at least, I hope so. I have a superb memory... often, the memory will flash into my mind with no effort, like a lightning bolt, and when a memory is elusive it might take me only a few moments to 'delve' for it.
( ... As an aside, I wonder: Does that evince an abused deep mind? Have I been treating my mind like a prostitute, as Ra warns against, or is this a benign feature in me? ... )
Certainly, I am not shy about offering up my joys and pains to our Creator.
Even when my path led me through Gnosticism--a particular form of Gnosticism which painted the creator of this universe as a cold or cruel false god, "Yaldabaoth"--I retained a good sense of humor about it, and, actually, I found some solace then in considering some of my suffering to simply be as 'pranks.'
I had to abandon the notion of a cruel creator soon after I took it up, as I could not reconcile that idea with my lived experience--with the regular encounters I had with the majesty of Nature, or the many mercies I have been given alongside the sorrows.
So, I talk to the Creator (sometimes just while driving around, as if the Creator was right next to me in the passenger seat or perched on my windshield)--maybe too casually, as I find I have no talent for saying prayers--but I consider the Creator my best friend. Maybe this is, at least at this point in my journey, an unskillful convention. I feel that the memories that flash into my consciousness spontaneously must be paid attention, and so I not only conversate but I also reminisce and ruminate--and from thence come the guilt, the self-interrogation, and the self-doubt. My fatal error may be that I confuse my memories with my regrets. Can I really just let the memory float in and out?
I suppose that is the goal--a proximity to meditation which endures as much as possible through the daily activity.
All of this is too much beating around the bush. I'm writing today because I fear I may be deluding myself with all of this.
I have asked this before, but, have I even made the Choice? Is it possible to make the Choice, sustain an awareness of it, and yet never make meaningful progress? From what I have read, it is impossible to return to sleep once 'awake.' So, am I just tossing and turning, eyes propped open, with my arms and legs ensnared in the sheets? Or... could it be that for some interval within this lifetime I had polarized (strongly) negative, say, 90%? Dedicated to myself but deluded as to the depth of it, and so I was able to re-orient myself to the positive--at least, outside the gravity well of true indifference, but not quite a complete convert? Is it possible to re-orient polarity in the third density?
As may be evident, I... vacillate. I am able to appraise myself--that is, I am able to construct claims about myself... but then those feelings of comprehension turn to apprehension. I question myself so much that it sometimes feels like an interrogation. If anyone here is familiar with the Ennagram--I am a Type Six with a Five Wing, which some call "the Guardian." I am deeply suspicious of myself... Am I this, or am I that? Am I really? For the right reasons?...
I am obsessed with myself, yet in this critical fashion...
I read this passage today: The way to pursue being a witness to the light is to live today. The hopes for tomorrow, the regrets or memories of yesterday, aid in many things but do not aid in bearing witness to the love and the light within. By the time the impulse has reached the manifested expression it no longer bears witness to truth but to the judgment of the individual who is editing the self. Therefore, go ahead and edit the self, for such is the way of service to others. But allow the self to heal from these expressions by spending time and attention just letting go of and releasing the pains and joys alike to the infinite One. These are the harvests that the Creator desires. These are the expressions of love that the Creator appreciates. Just as you are, you are loved, and this is the thing of the moment, for each moment, each instant is as that point from which a universe of possibility depends. Each moment is a moment of choice. Each moment is an opportunity for witness. Each moment is infinite. [https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/1996/0324]
The regrets or memories of yesterday, aid in many things but do not aid in bearing witness to the love and the light within... let[] go and releas[e] the pains and joys alike to the infinite One. ... Regrets or memories. I sense that the term "memories" here is intended to serve as a catch-all for any form of emotionally-charged remembrance--at least, I hope so. I have a superb memory... often, the memory will flash into my mind with no effort, like a lightning bolt, and when a memory is elusive it might take me only a few moments to 'delve' for it.
( ... As an aside, I wonder: Does that evince an abused deep mind? Have I been treating my mind like a prostitute, as Ra warns against, or is this a benign feature in me? ... )
Certainly, I am not shy about offering up my joys and pains to our Creator.
Even when my path led me through Gnosticism--a particular form of Gnosticism which painted the creator of this universe as a cold or cruel false god, "Yaldabaoth"--I retained a good sense of humor about it, and, actually, I found some solace then in considering some of my suffering to simply be as 'pranks.'
I had to abandon the notion of a cruel creator soon after I took it up, as I could not reconcile that idea with my lived experience--with the regular encounters I had with the majesty of Nature, or the many mercies I have been given alongside the sorrows.
So, I talk to the Creator (sometimes just while driving around, as if the Creator was right next to me in the passenger seat or perched on my windshield)--maybe too casually, as I find I have no talent for saying prayers--but I consider the Creator my best friend. Maybe this is, at least at this point in my journey, an unskillful convention. I feel that the memories that flash into my consciousness spontaneously must be paid attention, and so I not only conversate but I also reminisce and ruminate--and from thence come the guilt, the self-interrogation, and the self-doubt. My fatal error may be that I confuse my memories with my regrets. Can I really just let the memory float in and out?
I suppose that is the goal--a proximity to meditation which endures as much as possible through the daily activity.
All of this is too much beating around the bush. I'm writing today because I fear I may be deluding myself with all of this.
I have asked this before, but, have I even made the Choice? Is it possible to make the Choice, sustain an awareness of it, and yet never make meaningful progress? From what I have read, it is impossible to return to sleep once 'awake.' So, am I just tossing and turning, eyes propped open, with my arms and legs ensnared in the sheets? Or... could it be that for some interval within this lifetime I had polarized (strongly) negative, say, 90%? Dedicated to myself but deluded as to the depth of it, and so I was able to re-orient myself to the positive--at least, outside the gravity well of true indifference, but not quite a complete convert? Is it possible to re-orient polarity in the third density?