I'm sorry.

[Mettadohm]

I would ask for prayer and if you feel it would help then you're welcome to do so. I've prided myself recently as a mystic. What I'm turning out to be is one big mistake. I preach and teach about ego and I feel I'm the biggest one there is. Problem is I see it all and I can't stop. I'm a runaway train. I'm weak, lazy and lots of other things. My whole life I've tried to do what's right, or at least that's what I've convinced myself of. Now I don't know what to do. I know what I need to do, but I got way too much quit in me. I know all the wisdom, Yada Yada yada, I need to lay down on the altar, but this living sacrifice just wants to get right up and eat a sandwich. I wish I could be stopped in my tracks, and maybe it's best for humanity if that were the case, but I have a feeling life's not gonna make it that easy on me, come what may. I'm sick and cold. God have mercy on our souls.

Jiddu Krishnamurti once said "If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation."

Love yourself the way you wish to be loved. Know (because you already know all the wisdom) that you are perfect just the way you are as you read this.

We all have moments where our bodies "want" to stay in comfort zones while our souls yearn for the adventure of the unknown possibilities of spiritual growth.
In Autobiography of a Yogi, there is a nameless mute mystic who uses a stick to write in the sand. According to the book he wrote:

"Do not do what you want, then you are free to do as you like."

For me, this resonated at a time when I was stuck in my comfort zone. All I wanted to do was smoke weed and play video games, but I kept this quote like a mantra in my heart and learned to resist that impulse to cave into what was familiar but did not serve me. I did whatever I liked, besides getting stoned and playing video games. I hiked in nature, practiced yoga, created art, and meditated. Looking back, I am eternally grateful for my times of "getting stoned and playing video games" because that step that no longer serves me was a crucial stepping stone in the path that put me right here and now.

I love you, Brandon. I will keep you in my thoughts and send you positive reinforcement where I can.