i just lost my cool and yelled at someone. i'm always losing my temper. but i have trouble apologizing, it goes to pride. it's the hardest thing to do for me, because growing up i viewed any admittance of error as weak, i thought others would see me as weak if i said sorry or showed any emotions at all except the "manly" ones like anger. and i'm a freaking girl. my whole life has been social blunders and trauma trauma trauma, and through it all i maintained my pride, my fear of admitting i had made an error, the terrifying idea that others would see me as flawed and unsure of myself. even if i've already totally made a fool of myself so many times i can't even remember, i still maintain and cling to my pride, my last shreds of illusion that i'm not seen as a total scumbucket. i have no spine whatsoever. i've been running all my life and now i'm like cinderella before 12 and i don't want my carriage to turn into a pumpkin! if my OCD is a catalyst for me, then clearly it's meant to humble me enough to admit fault. but how do i get over that fear? i'm so tired of feeling like i can't do anything right.
i've made tiny progress in the area and for me it's huge but i feel like it's not enough. or fast enough. and reading more about the coming harvest is just pressuring me so much. is it ok to do at a pace i'm comfortable?
also, am i bad person if i can't feel empathy fully? i sort of do, but then i wonder how much am i just afraid of karma. and how much am i feeling sorry for upsetting a person. if i think about it i sometimes feel bad, but i guess i'm used to not thinking about it because i always justified it with that my hurt was bigger, and now i know even if mine was bigger, i still shouldn't upset someone else. but in the moment it's another story because i'm terrified, and that throws me out of love if i was ever in it to begin with. i need to meditate properly to increase my love and not try to do this all from the frequency of the problem. i dunno how to cure my OCD so i should learn to apologise for when i'm a b**** then?
so, i'm just musing here as i wonder how i'm going to ever become a decent person. how can i love myself if i don't love others?
i've made tiny progress in the area and for me it's huge but i feel like it's not enough. or fast enough. and reading more about the coming harvest is just pressuring me so much. is it ok to do at a pace i'm comfortable?
also, am i bad person if i can't feel empathy fully? i sort of do, but then i wonder how much am i just afraid of karma. and how much am i feeling sorry for upsetting a person. if i think about it i sometimes feel bad, but i guess i'm used to not thinking about it because i always justified it with that my hurt was bigger, and now i know even if mine was bigger, i still shouldn't upset someone else. but in the moment it's another story because i'm terrified, and that throws me out of love if i was ever in it to begin with. i need to meditate properly to increase my love and not try to do this all from the frequency of the problem. i dunno how to cure my OCD so i should learn to apologise for when i'm a b**** then?
so, i'm just musing here as i wonder how i'm going to ever become a decent person. how can i love myself if i don't love others?