Searching

[Nyu]

Hello!

I have recently come across the Ra material and the writings resonated strongly within my spirit, so I felt the need to contact others who it has also affected.

I am not sure who or what I am exactly. Am I a wanderer, or simply a 3rd-entity trying to find the 4th? All I know right now is that for my entire life I have felt intense alienation from society, and a feeling of being different somehow (as have others here that I see). I've always been an outsider looking at life rather than a participant, and what I am seeing lately is not pretty.

I've been searching for something "more" for a while now, as the worries of the world had been filling me with so much depression and a sense of hopelessness that I couldn't take it anymore. I even had a loud voice in my head that would tell me to kill myself because I don't belong and I am worthless to society - I now believe that I know what that voice is, and since then it has lessened, although not gone entirely.

My mother is very much a spiritual being, so I grew up with spirituality as a part of every day life, and in my teenage years I had some pretty strange dreams (mostly of leaving the earth, parallel worlds, higher beings, wormhole travel etc). However I was young and naive and I didn't want to be "different", I wanted to experience the world so I ran away from my spiritual side and closed it off, and it has been dormant for around 15 years now.

I have a son too, and I know every mother thinks their child is special, but I think mine truly is a different soul also. Like myself, my mother and my brother too, he has intense alienation from society, problems with being bullied not only by other children but by teachers as well for being "different". It's very heart breaking to see, and he is not even a teenager yet but already feels like he doesn't belong on this planet, doesn't understand why he is here and wishes he wasn't here. So my search isn't just to help myself, but to figure out the best way to help him find out who he is also.

A few people had urged me to look up David Icke, so I had a flick through of his site and came across David Wilcock. During a brief flick-through of his writings I saw him mention "The Law of One" and something inside me buzzed at seeing those words, so I went searching further and when I came across the Ra material, it was like turning on a light switch and my heart began to vibrate quite strongly. What I have read so far has been so fulfilling and insightful, I feel very grateful for having found it.

Since early adulthood, every so often I experience periods of lucid dreaming, and sleep paralysis where I will be trapped in bed and having negative beings crawling on me or whispering things to make me frightened.
A very frightening experience happened to me 2 nights ago (which is what has compelled me to come seeking others), where I was in a dream and then the dream became lucid (I had conscious control over the dream), but then something jumped into my mind and took control of me and in the dream I couldn't talk or scream or control my hands (it was like sleep paralysis but another level past the dream state instead of being between the dream state and being awake - if that makes sense), and I tried to get help but people just stared at me like I was insane because I was unable to communicate what was going on. But I fought and fought and fought, and after a few minutes I got control back and was able to wake up.

During the evening before this experience I had a profound conscious breakthrough in my understanding of what it means to become self-aware. When the thought happened a very large blue light flashed above my head. I feel there might be some kind of relationship between the breakthrough and the attack, but I am not certain. I wonder if these attacks happen because my mind is weak somehow and I need to figure out how to strengthen it. If there is any advice anyone can give on mind-strengthening exercises, I would be very appreciative, but I also understand that learning comes from within so I will keep on trying.

The point of me coming here and sharing a piece of myself with you is to firstly thank Don, Carla and Jim from the very bottom of my heart for this material, and to thank the Ra social memory complex for sharing their knowledge with us. It has changed my life from the minute I began reading.

Secondly, I am so pleased to find other people out there who are changed by this material also, or who are seeking a higher purpose in general. You remind me of the goodness and the hope that is still in the world, and that no matter how alone I feel sometimes I am definitely not. So thank you also, and I can't wait to keep reading more of this site and reading everyone's experiences.

Love and light. Adonai.