11-25-2011, 06:48 PM
Hello All!
I've just joined this wonderful site in the hopes that I may meet other like-minded souls, & who hopefully, help me understand & gain insight on the many subjects discussed on here.
I only discovered the 'Ra' material in June this year, & can say that it answered many questions & confirmed many beliefs that I hold.
I'll apologize in advance if my posts are a bit 'muddled' at times, but I am in the midst of a major depression, & am finding it hard to articulate many of the thoughts/feelings that I'm experiencing at this time.
I hope you can all bear with me.
I've struggled with anxiety attacks & depression for the last 30 years (I'm 44).
I've been a sole parent to 3 children aged 19, 18 & 11 for 95% of that time.
I have always searched for help/answers to overcome my challenges, but have never been successful in any long term sense.
I find that I have no self confidence in spite of being considered 'attractive', & feel increasingly 'dumb', even though I've pretty much built a home for my children & I from the 'ground up'.
I've struggled endlessly with these feelings my entire life, & even though my common sense dictates they are untrue, they remain stronger than ever at this time.
I can't even begin to describe how exhausted I am mentally/spiritually/emotionally. This battle has been relentless for so many years and I am at the end of my tether.
I've always believed in Jesus & God and prayed daily throughout this(Most times by the minute just to get through a day!),& believe they are the reason I am still here persisting.
I could go on & on,but I will get to the purpose of my seeking here.
I would like your thoughts & opinions on mental illness.
Although I am not considered 'inpatient material' (Though I've had doubts about that!!), I can never seem to ever be 'well'.
My poor children have suffered this journey with me, which only compounds my feelings of guilt no end, as its affected us ALL. I have contemplated suicide many times because of these feelings that I'm doing more harm to them by 'staying', but always reject that in the end because of the hurt & trauma this would put them through.(My whole purpose of being here is to love & protect them, my only purpose.)
And so I stay, in this hell. I have no friends/family to discuss these types of issues (It only serves to prove to them how 'unhinged' I am) I seem to have alienated everyone, & whilst this is very painful, it is far worse to be around people that only care about "Kim & the kardashians' or their new iphone etc. The small country town I live in has no groups etc where I could find others like me.
My question is ,is mental illness a catalyst, is it something I'm supposed to learn from (Believe me I try soooo hard!). Am I supposed to ever get better, or do I have to try & accept it (Very hard to do when I see the pain it causes my children)? Because my thoughts are sooo scattered ,I feel I can't even pray properly at the moment.Will God forgive me & understand my limitations? I'm not baptized (my family were not religious, nor were friends) so this area is very foreign to me. I don't feel comfortable just showing up to a church (confidence thing!).
Any advice or insight from a clearer mind would be very appreciated.
Thank you for listening to me.
x
I've just joined this wonderful site in the hopes that I may meet other like-minded souls, & who hopefully, help me understand & gain insight on the many subjects discussed on here.
I only discovered the 'Ra' material in June this year, & can say that it answered many questions & confirmed many beliefs that I hold.
I'll apologize in advance if my posts are a bit 'muddled' at times, but I am in the midst of a major depression, & am finding it hard to articulate many of the thoughts/feelings that I'm experiencing at this time.
I hope you can all bear with me.
I've struggled with anxiety attacks & depression for the last 30 years (I'm 44).
I've been a sole parent to 3 children aged 19, 18 & 11 for 95% of that time.
I have always searched for help/answers to overcome my challenges, but have never been successful in any long term sense.
I find that I have no self confidence in spite of being considered 'attractive', & feel increasingly 'dumb', even though I've pretty much built a home for my children & I from the 'ground up'.
I've struggled endlessly with these feelings my entire life, & even though my common sense dictates they are untrue, they remain stronger than ever at this time.
I can't even begin to describe how exhausted I am mentally/spiritually/emotionally. This battle has been relentless for so many years and I am at the end of my tether.
I've always believed in Jesus & God and prayed daily throughout this(Most times by the minute just to get through a day!),& believe they are the reason I am still here persisting.
I could go on & on,but I will get to the purpose of my seeking here.
I would like your thoughts & opinions on mental illness.
Although I am not considered 'inpatient material' (Though I've had doubts about that!!), I can never seem to ever be 'well'.
My poor children have suffered this journey with me, which only compounds my feelings of guilt no end, as its affected us ALL. I have contemplated suicide many times because of these feelings that I'm doing more harm to them by 'staying', but always reject that in the end because of the hurt & trauma this would put them through.(My whole purpose of being here is to love & protect them, my only purpose.)
And so I stay, in this hell. I have no friends/family to discuss these types of issues (It only serves to prove to them how 'unhinged' I am) I seem to have alienated everyone, & whilst this is very painful, it is far worse to be around people that only care about "Kim & the kardashians' or their new iphone etc. The small country town I live in has no groups etc where I could find others like me.
My question is ,is mental illness a catalyst, is it something I'm supposed to learn from (Believe me I try soooo hard!). Am I supposed to ever get better, or do I have to try & accept it (Very hard to do when I see the pain it causes my children)? Because my thoughts are sooo scattered ,I feel I can't even pray properly at the moment.Will God forgive me & understand my limitations? I'm not baptized (my family were not religious, nor were friends) so this area is very foreign to me. I don't feel comfortable just showing up to a church (confidence thing!).
Any advice or insight from a clearer mind would be very appreciated.
Thank you for listening to me.
x