Hi

[Parsons]

Had 1 friend do a healing on me remotely, another one f***** with my mind pretty badly.

which is both what I want and deserve as it is what I have done to others.

I try to avoid telling people specifically what to do to allow for free will and growth, but I would like to point out that you may want to meditate / contemplate if this behavior is is helpful for other or hurtful. Punishing yourself when you understood the lesson in the whatever negative things you have done is like the opposite of masturbation to put it quite bluntly. If you understood you did something negative, you must also forgive yourself to move on. There is no rush to do this if you are not ready, but punishing yourself may lead to polarize yourself negatively.

Okay, so, I feel.... interesting.

I feel like I have been in THIS moment (as in, the moment I am in now) in the past and all of my past was just a sidetrack, a lie, or some kind of dream that I am now waking up from, at age 27, and I sort of feel like I was a child that dreamed the last 20 years because they would have been filled with such crap that the child wanted nothing to do with it.

Do not despair, you are not alone by a long shot and you are loved, trust me on that point. I feel almost exactly like this and am only a year younger than you. I feel like everything on up until I awoke recently was just figuring out the game that was being played on me. That is how I would paraphrase it for myself. I tell you this, not out of ego for myself, but to try to confirm/validate a similar feeling that is(may be) inside you.

I havent given into my "I want" personality for nearly 20 years and it literally feels like my heart chakra spinning open and marveling at everything.

This has resulted in me randomly giving away my possessions to people I meet and then just smiling as I walk around and talking to quite a few random nice people and complementing random things about them every day.

Sometimes I still get scare and fear for social acceptance as some acts would invariably cause a huge commotion.

Again I feel similarly minus the part about wanting to go up to random people unless I know specifically what the perfect thing to say is since I have had difficulty with small talk lately. I will just randomly give people things as well, most scratching their heads and not understanding why I didn't keep it for myself or sell it. I dream of doing so much more, but also fear social outcry against me doing that alone.

Maybe we should come up with some petition or something or come up with specific (positively oriented) projects that several of us can work on so we don't feel so singled out trying to change the whole world.

Good example of this was making candles and failing and then becoming intensly angry with myself for a failure and proceeding to rip myself to shreds emotionally for it. Which is a echo from past failures, i think.

I have a tendency to do this to myself occasionally also when I have had a try or two at something and am still having difficulties. I have been able to "tag" this emotional "baggage" (thank you Psychonauts ), then consider if it is valuable to me and by extension how efficiently / without distortion I can service others.

... Then i proceeded to show it to one of my students/patients and explain that every human being has their own issues and no single authority no matter how good or bad by their subjective experience should EVER be trusted with everything...

Make your own adventure, dont just live through the adventures of others. So dont idolize or mimic.

I agree with your view on authority nearly perfectly. I also agree that we must always think for ourselves and must avoid mindlessly idolizing or mimicking as you say.

It is because as a child I decided to start manipulating others and myself for some reason. Best explanation I can give is a sense of wanting to help other sby becoming more like the image of what others want of me, and through that becoming what the strongest image wants of me, and through that becoming negative. But only becasue I desired to be and experience the negative.

I agree with you on up until the point that you say you desired it. I am not judging, it was your freewill/perogative to have wanted it at that time. My reasons were to try to sort of "prop up" all the failing adult relationships I saw everywhere in my family. It then transformed into having friends in all manners of personality / "cliques", which led to some of my friends hating my other friends.

Then endlessly (going to this day between my wife and my best friend and his wife) trying to have them "make up" enough to tolerate each other. When this failed after years of trying, I just started to avoid mentioning the offending party. I still have to be very careful what I say in front of them (slave to language / posturing). Being bitten by my own proverbial snake and then the teachings of the LOO reinforced not seeking to control against the will of others, which almost always leads to negativity.