no matter how bad I feel, coming onto this forum always makes me feel better, even if just a little bit. but i am in need of help, as ive hit a major turn in my life and the catalyst seems like it is more than i can bear, the questions are just too big for me to handle alone.
are feelings worth trusting? feelings like something is going to happen, because i had one today for a couple hours that was positive, and nothing came to fruition. feelings for this girl for the past 2 years, too, led to nothing, and brought me to this catalyst. it actually brought me to jail where i stayed for 3 days/3 nights, and the only good i got out of it is i did meet a 'teacher' there that taught me the value of getting rid of/walking away from those that gossip and/or make themselves believe to be your friends. its a really long story, but for a long time, i was led to believe this girl was the one and that she was interested in me, but it turns out the facts are she isn't. and now i have to leave the university, pay lawyer fees and move back home.
to me, today, the positive feeling like a miracle was going to happen in my case generated the thoughts that it would, and it consumed me, and convinced me something good was going to happen,, but it didnt. and this just reminds me of all the times i spent trusting myself and these feelings that come out of nowhere that they don't mean anything. why does god let this happen? i'm being deceived by myself, not just by my thoughts and my ego thinking this and this will happen, but a genuine surge of energy that lifts my spirits and gets me to believe we're all connected and this is what i should do to prepare. but nothing happened. it even made sense logically (probably) that it could happen, and should, but where do these feelings come from and why if it amounts to nothing actually manifesting?
its torture. sometimes i wish i never was led to watch the secret, and then stumble upon the Ra books, and opened my mind to spirituality and caring for people. i've been hurt in so many ways since = 3+ years. i've been following my heart. i switched majors to be in a program that was very selective and competitive, got in!, fell in love with this one girl, KNEW i didn't want anyone else, asked for signs, got confirmation...or did i imagine them? what does all of this mean if the only thing i bring to myself by believing in them is more pain, more 'lessons'? granted, in jail, that guy taught me some valuable lessons i couldnt have learned anywhere else, but why is nothing good coming out of all of this? not only do i not get the girl i thought was perfect for me, i dont get to graduate from the school i've loved all my life and have attended for 4 years, and i've put emotional and financial burdens on my family. not to mention the psychological hardship i've put on myself.
i learned a lot about faith in jail, and saw it exercised, how it relieved me and how it helped me get out when odds of timing werent on my side. but outside, i'm let down. in many instances.
people dismiss these feelings as instincts when it was, in fact, a surge of energy that i believed was due to me being connected to others (& events) outside. like obi-wan said to luke "trust your feelings." and now, i can't.. they only hurt me and lead me to believe somethings going to happen that doesnt. if its a good feeling anyway, it doesn't happen.
help. all of this is getting me to think i've become delusional or something. the lessons in jail regarding faith actually helped me open my heart chakra, but now, these feelings lead me to suppressing them because they've been wrong. i feel like such a fool, and i made the choice a long time ago i'm of an sto-polarization. but i've been hurting people too, if even just unintentionally. just by following my heart. ..
are feelings worth trusting? feelings like something is going to happen, because i had one today for a couple hours that was positive, and nothing came to fruition. feelings for this girl for the past 2 years, too, led to nothing, and brought me to this catalyst. it actually brought me to jail where i stayed for 3 days/3 nights, and the only good i got out of it is i did meet a 'teacher' there that taught me the value of getting rid of/walking away from those that gossip and/or make themselves believe to be your friends. its a really long story, but for a long time, i was led to believe this girl was the one and that she was interested in me, but it turns out the facts are she isn't. and now i have to leave the university, pay lawyer fees and move back home.
to me, today, the positive feeling like a miracle was going to happen in my case generated the thoughts that it would, and it consumed me, and convinced me something good was going to happen,, but it didnt. and this just reminds me of all the times i spent trusting myself and these feelings that come out of nowhere that they don't mean anything. why does god let this happen? i'm being deceived by myself, not just by my thoughts and my ego thinking this and this will happen, but a genuine surge of energy that lifts my spirits and gets me to believe we're all connected and this is what i should do to prepare. but nothing happened. it even made sense logically (probably) that it could happen, and should, but where do these feelings come from and why if it amounts to nothing actually manifesting?
its torture. sometimes i wish i never was led to watch the secret, and then stumble upon the Ra books, and opened my mind to spirituality and caring for people. i've been hurt in so many ways since = 3+ years. i've been following my heart. i switched majors to be in a program that was very selective and competitive, got in!, fell in love with this one girl, KNEW i didn't want anyone else, asked for signs, got confirmation...or did i imagine them? what does all of this mean if the only thing i bring to myself by believing in them is more pain, more 'lessons'? granted, in jail, that guy taught me some valuable lessons i couldnt have learned anywhere else, but why is nothing good coming out of all of this? not only do i not get the girl i thought was perfect for me, i dont get to graduate from the school i've loved all my life and have attended for 4 years, and i've put emotional and financial burdens on my family. not to mention the psychological hardship i've put on myself.
i learned a lot about faith in jail, and saw it exercised, how it relieved me and how it helped me get out when odds of timing werent on my side. but outside, i'm let down. in many instances.
people dismiss these feelings as instincts when it was, in fact, a surge of energy that i believed was due to me being connected to others (& events) outside. like obi-wan said to luke "trust your feelings." and now, i can't.. they only hurt me and lead me to believe somethings going to happen that doesnt. if its a good feeling anyway, it doesn't happen.
help. all of this is getting me to think i've become delusional or something. the lessons in jail regarding faith actually helped me open my heart chakra, but now, these feelings lead me to suppressing them because they've been wrong. i feel like such a fool, and i made the choice a long time ago i'm of an sto-polarization. but i've been hurting people too, if even just unintentionally. just by following my heart. ..