Balancing the Light and the darkness.

[BrownEye]

MAN, why am I so lazy? Aha

I actually attempted suicide when I was like 12 or so. My dad really made me hate life. As soon as the rational mind kicked in I understood that he would "win" if I did this, and I would be the "loser". In some ways I was competitive, just not in what is considered normal ways.

I made the decision then that I would go out and do every little thing I felt like doing, and fully enjoy myself (I was already dead right?).............without the fear of death and consequences. Of course I quickly gained noteriety with my wild fearless antics.

After a point I became aware of the invisible hands that were actively keeping me from death with all the insanely stupid crap I would do. It actually pushed me to get even dumber and crazier with my antics..

Eventually I slowed down and accepted that there was a reason for my being here. And that being fully complete would be more enjoyable than being maimed. Not to mention the thought of the position I would be in after a botched suicide attempt.

I think there are a million ways of experiencing joy, but we have to claim it for our own. We also have the option of allowing the divine to work through us, instead of trying too hard to control our purpose. TIn this case, there may not always be clarity in the moment, but the realizations after the effect creates wonder. For me, wonder fits into the "joy" box.