How long?

[cloud]

I used to feel so alive and in the moment. Memories had color. My dreams were vivid. I was a mysteriously content person when I first came accross the LOO. I've been diagnosed w depression and schizophrenia since I was 20. Ups and downs, but I am beginning to really hate who I am and how I live.

Tired of everything being so gray. Tired of never being able to escape perservative, gmo, organ agitating food and other toxicities. I am paranoid and think alot of my minds potential is already gone to waste and locked away from eating awful food all my life. Tired of money. I had faith in the future, now I am blind. I hate taking my medicine for my disorders. I dump my antidepressents in the garbage and I cant stop my seroquel, or I get withdrawals similar to heroin withdrawals since I regularly take 800mg of it.

I feel like a failure. My friends and family care for me deeply, but they don't like my personality. I don't blame them. Sometimes I wish I never existed, ever.

The Law of One has had a tremendous impact on my life. Ever since i was a young teenager I meditated on the universe and thought about what death was like obessesively. I thought I had insomnia because it kept me up sometimes nights with no sleep whatsoever but really my mind just wanted to meditate and have answers and sometimes it would do anything to get closer to the original thought. The Law of One was like I almost wrote it myself. I was stunned at how authentic the information was. Really I first found the whole LOO from a google search that got me to the brown note book and the google was asking about something that occurred in a dream. Anyway, I really hope I didn't f*** my polarity up with my crummy life. ..

Sorry for negativity. I just don't know what to do anymore

[anagogy]

No need to apologize, friend. Depression is a tough row to hoe. As I read your post, that is what stands out more than anything.

It sounds like you had excitement for life at one point, and it gradually faded away. If you could instantly change one aspect of your life right now, what would it be? And why that particular aspect?

[Jade]

I think this story is actually very, very common, cloud. Most people, when they find the Ra material, experience prolonged bliss, or "kundalini awakening" is what it's referred to sometimes. I think of it as a programmed clearing of the chakras so that our energetic systems can learn and feel what it means to be without significant blockages.

The "awakening" experience is meant to be an inspirational beacon in tough times. Any spiritually profound experience is meant to be kept in our back pocket and revisited in difficult times. The fact is, incarnation was never meant to be an overall pleasant or easy experience. We are meant to have extended excursions in confusion punctuated by moments of clarity. Ideally, if we continue to keep ourselves energetically clear as possible and evaluate our catalyst honestly, the moments of clarity become more and more frequent.

I don't think you are a failure. I think you are going through what most of us spiritually aware people go through. Choosing a polarity and following through is not an easy path - but, if you are dedicated and honest, I think it is hard to fail. Being depressed or depleted does NOT mean you aren't polarizing properly. It does mean that there is catalyst to process, however, and it's a long job ferreting out all of our subconscious beliefs that hold us back from bliss.

Even Q'uo says that if you are able to find some joy in your day-to-day experience, that you are ahead of the game as far as humans go. That's why it's really important to cultivate gratitude, appreciation, and enjoyment, even for the tough times. If you can see how in the long term, a difficult experience benefits your experience of consciousness, it's possible for the overall mood to continue to lighten.

My recommendation would be to look to the root chakra. Learn about it, explore it, experience it. It's where we receive the initial energy into our m/b/sc to distribute - depression or fear of safety (food insecurity) would point to a blockage there. And as far as the food thing goes, if you have access to a decent amount of grocery stores, a non-gmo/organic diet is totally possible to obtain - I estimate I eat at least a 95% non-gmo/organic diet, and that's on the low end. I eat a few meals a week at work and while most of their food is non-GMO/organic, occasionally it isn't. Otherwise, absolutely everything I buy is non-GMO, and most of it organic.

[cloud]

No need to apologize, friend.  Depression is a tough row to hoe.  As I read your post, that is what stands out more than anything.

It sounds like you had excitement for life at one point, and it gradually faded away.  If you could instantly change one aspect of your life right now, what would it be?  And why that particular aspect?

Thank you. Honestly I don't know what I would change. I guess I would want to have an totally decalcified pineal gland.

I think this story is actually very, very common, cloud. Most people, when they find the Ra material, experience prolonged bliss, or "kundalini awakening" is what it's referred to sometimes. I think of it as a programmed clearing of the chakras so that our energetic systems can learn and feel what it means to be without significant blockages.

The "awakening" experience is meant to be an inspirational beacon in tough times. Any spiritually profound experience is meant to be kept in our back pocket and revisited in difficult times. The fact is, incarnation was never meant to be an overall pleasant or easy experience. We are meant to have extended excursions in confusion punctuated by moments of clarity. Ideally, if we continue to keep ourselves energetically clear as possible and evaluate our catalyst honestly, the moments of clarity become more and more frequent.

I don't think you are a failure. I think you are going through what most of us spiritually aware people go through. Choosing a polarity and following through is not an easy path - but, if you are dedicated and honest, I think it is hard to fail. Being depressed or depleted does NOT mean you aren't polarizing properly. It does mean that there is catalyst to process, however, and it's a long job ferreting out all of our subconscious beliefs that hold us back from bliss.

Even Q'uo says that if you are able to find some joy in your day-to-day experience, that you are ahead of the game as far as humans go. That's why it's really important to cultivate gratitude, appreciation, and enjoyment, even for the tough times. If you can see how in the long term, a difficult experience benefits your experience of consciousness, it's possible for the overall mood to continue to lighten.

My recommendation would be to look to the root chakra. Learn about it, explore it, experience it. It's where we receive the initial energy into our m/b/sc to distribute - depression or fear of safety (food insecurity) would point to a blockage there. And as far as the food thing goes, if you have access to a decent amount of grocery stores, a non-gmo/organic diet is totally possible to obtain - I estimate I eat at least a 95% non-gmo/organic diet, and that's on the low end. I eat a few meals a week at work and while most of their food is non-GMO/organic, occasionally it isn't. Otherwise, absolutely everything I buy is non-GMO, and most of it organic.

Thank you Jade. I feel better after reading that. I am glad I am not alone in this. It does feel like what you explained. It is just as you described I can feel things much more deeply and my regrets hurt worse than ever from it. I don't really socialize enough to have a sex life, so I wouldnt be able to do much with my root chackra, but what do I know there has to be other stuff to do with it, I will try everything.

[Parsons]

Jade said a lot of helpful things, so I'll only throw in my two cents about something specific you mentioned.

When it comes to worrying about GMOs, I also deeply worried / resented consuming them. Gradually, I have come to the point where it barely bothers me when I have to eat them. Don't get me wrong, if they were strictly labeled and there were alternatives available at all times, I would never eat any GMOs ever again. Since that's not the case, I just started looking at it like breathing polluted air, drinking fluoride-water, or absorbing radiation; there is almost nothing I can do to avoid it, so why worry about it?

If I feel inclined, I will focus on transmuting anything that may be harmful to my body into something benign. Beyond that, I just view it as something I signed up for when I decided to incarnate here during this timeframe.

[cloud]

Jade said a lot of helpful things, so I'll only throw in my two cents about something specific you mentioned.

When it comes to worrying about GMOs, I also deeply worried / resented consuming them. Gradually, I have come to the point where it barely bothers me when I have to eat them. Don't get me wrong, if they were strictly labeled and there were alternatives available at all times, I would never eat any GMOs ever again. Since that's not the case, I just started looking at it like breathing polluted air, drinking fluoride-water, or absorbing radiation; there is almost nothing I can do to avoid it, so why worry about it?

If I feel inclined, I will focus on transmuting anything that may be harmful to my body into something benign. Beyond that, I just view it as something I signed up for when I decided to incarnate here during this timeframe.

That is a good way to look at it. I like how you mentioned its something signed up for incarnating. I have similar faith and acceptance in that aspect.

I think moving to a better envrionment would be better for me. I don't like this Cleveland Ohio life. Everything is so grey and stale here. I wanna exist in places like Arizona, California (dream on), etc. The cities flouride water is something I try to avoid with bottled water but I know it doesnt change much since I ingest it thru skin in shower and bath. I grew up in a rural small town. I miss the well water, peace, better weather and community.

[Aion]

Who do you imagine yourself to be if you were healthy, whole and without your disorders?

[cloud]

Who do you imagine yourself to be if you were healthy, whole and without your disorders?

I don't know

Who do you imagine yourself to be if you were perfect in regards to health?

[Aion]

Who do you imagine yourself to be if you were healthy, whole and without your disorders?

I don't know

Who do you imagine yourself to be if you were perfect in regards to health?

Well, I naturally look to my interests, my passions and my dreams. I view it that any health difficulties I have (and I do have some) are not part of my identity exactly, because they are temporal events of the body despite being persistently real. I know that my 'self' isn't the conditions in my mind or body, but it is something which is much deeper and more pure than these things.

So I would not consider myself to be any different in principle, however I would experience and perceive myself very differently because I would no longer be concerned for my health. I would be easily able to engage in my passions without fear of health repercussions. I would maybe feel happier more regularly.

Then, after thinking about it in this way, I started to wonder if I had I backwards. If the reason my health was deteriorating was because I was holding on to negativity, to unhealthy thoughts and emotions and for all my attempts to take care of my body, my mind and emotions were becoming poisoned with bitterness and fear. Now I'm trying to unlearn a lot of unhealthy emotional and mental habits and slowly realigning my body with health and wholeness. A gradual process.

My biggest step next seems to be the need to reach out and seek help in others.

[Fastidious Emanations]

has there been any particular event or chain of events since the times of colour that have brought you 'back' to the black and white?

Perhaps dreams you've given up on?

[Night Owl]

Don't worry you are not alone. I feel a bit like you but with different distortions. What has been said so far are really good tips to prevents the lows from going too deep. Practice gratitude, appreciation, and enjoyment like Jade told you. It really helps not feeling too depressed. Being healty sure helps but like Aion told you, see it more as a goal than a fear of not being healty. If you fear from not being healty that fear is gonna get you more unhealty than GMO can do. But for reaching high peaks of sustained joy I cannot help you. I also struggle to reach that. But no lows is better than a deep depression.

[Enyiah]

I do not know what it is like to be schizophrenic, but I understand that it is important to take your meds, to keep your mind stable. My boyfriend is schizophrenic, I have witnessed while he was in a psychotic state. I could not help him. It's a really difficult place to be and I am so sorry you have to live through that.


Having experienced depression , I have gained a few skills over the years that helps me. Say/witness how you feel but do not let your thinking sit there, because you are affirming the negativity and giving it a life of it's own. I try to find something to do that is pleasing and quiets the mind. It can be through meditation, going out and sitting in nature (which is very grounding); petting your animal friend; writing in a journal; find a good book that you like to read. The point is to change your thinking.
You are Never a Failure! ''Feelings'' are temporary, simply acknowledge and let them go.  Avoid 'feeding' on the negative energy.  In reality they have no true basis, allow them to evaporate and focus on things that help you.  If you have not enough knowledge about what 'helps', focus your inner eye into it.  Make allowance within.  Light/answers WILL come in a tailor-made fashion for you.  Learn how to recognize what works for you. Each one of us is on a UNIQUE journey of Self discovery. Find/discover what works for you.  Clarity will come from within your own Self, you are responsible for your own journey.  Help from outside sources serve as guiding posts only.
Please do not give up!  I know it is easier said, but I say this because when you feel like giving up you are cutting your own lifeline in the bud.  Love yourself enough NOT to give up. 
I truly believe that all of us are on the cusp of a major breakthrough.  How that comes about I do not know exactly, but I, for one do not intend to let go.  I send you much love to guide you through your journey, may you find the courage and inner strength to walk on and through whatever distortion that is seemingly surrounding you.

[AnthroHeart]

My dog is sleeping at the moment. I don't like to wake him with petting. But sometimes the pain is unbearable. It's mental pain.

[Ethernysana]

Tired of everything being so gray. Tired of never being able to escape perservative, gmo, organ agitating food and other toxicities. I am paranoid and think alot of my minds potential is already gone to waste and locked away from eating awful food all my life. Tired of money. I had faith in the future, now I am blind. I hate taking my medicine for my disorders. I dump my antidepressents in the garbage and I cant stop my seroquel, or I get withdrawals similar to heroin withdrawals since I regularly take 800mg of it.

Are you ready to shift to a newer world?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMPXlyliLYM

Also, are you willing to change your present self?
1. Set an intention for change/growth
2. Be active/action
3. Results

No intentions and no action will not reap results. Good intentions and no action will not reap results.
The funny thing in 3D is that things aren't manifested instantly and requires action or movement.

[Enyiah]

My dog is sleeping at the moment. I don't like to wake him with petting. But sometimes the pain is unbearable. It's mental pain.

Dear friend, I wish I could heal your pain and ease your anguish.  The best I can do is walk beside you and lift you up within me spiritually.  I hope you can feel you are not alone.  When we are troubled we cannot see because our eyes and heart are as blinded by the pain.  Sometimes the only thing to do is wait for the storm to pass. 
For me, I became even too weary to weather the storm and learned how to simply walk away.  I spend a lot of time alone and I believe that by being by myself I have grown deeper into my spirituality.  I've learned not to give up even when I couldn't see the road ahead.  I've learned how to set myself free.  The more one is resolved NOT to give up, the more one advances toward true Self Knowledge and freedom.  Please, please hang in there.  I know you are truly loved by Creator and we at Bring4th are your invisible friends.  We may not be able to carry your pain, but we can help support you in your journey.  I love you through the Creator's Love within me and you are part of me and I am in you for we are One with Creator.
I always hesitate to post a message for I know that everyone's journey is Sacred and Unique.  I try to uplift and not preach.  I affirm to you that I genuinely care and try to respond in Love.  Is it not said that ''all we need is Love'' :exclamation:

[cloud]

Beautiful responses, Thank you all for the love and support. I am thankful I am not as alone in this as I felt I was. Before I felt like I was doing something wrong, bad, for my weaknesses.
I am doing better, and I am making strides toward self improvement. Although it is hard to truly relinquish my paranoia, I am ignoring it (it is still there underneath). Lots of things trigger me got to work on those too.