Being institutionalized.

[Aion]

I asked her when she's sending me in cause I was impatient.

She said she was never going to to begin with!

So this was a wasted thread.  Just another manipulation.  I asked her why, she said to motivate me.

If anyone wants to help me...No, nevermind.  I'll figure it out alone like I guess I'm supposed to...

Well, what would help you? We have made quite a few suggestions, maybe you can tell us more specifically what you are struggling with?

You're not alone, but no one can do the work for you either.

[sjel]

I asked her when she's sending me in cause I was impatient.

She said she was never going to to begin with!

So this was a wasted thread.  Just another manipulation.  I asked her why, she said to motivate me.

If anyone wants to help me...No, nevermind.  I'll figure it out alone like I guess I'm supposed to...

Nah bro, keep posting, it's good for all of us, including you.


I don't know the intimate intricacies of your relationship with her, so I'll start here: What if you explicitly told her how her psych ward comment affected you? Like laid it all out, and showed her how much that cut away at your psyche? Try not to blame her if you say it, but rather focus on how her comment made you feel inside, tell her about the hopelessness and the consternation and darkness that her comment sparked.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I asked her when she's sending me in cause I was impatient.

She said she was never going to to begin with!

So this was a wasted thread.  Just another manipulation.  I asked her why, she said to motivate me.

If anyone wants to help me...No, nevermind.  I'll figure it out alone like I guess I'm supposed to...

Nah bro, keep posting, it's good for all of us, including you.


I don't know the intimate intricacies of your relationship with her, so I'll start here: What if you explicitly told her how her psych ward comment affected you? Like laid it all out, and showed her how much that cut away at your psyche? Try not to blame her if you say it, but rather focus on how her comment made you feel inside, tell her about the hopelessness and the consternation and darkness that her comment sparked.

I did.

She said she just gets tired of me.  So I told her she must have been tired of me my entire life.

She started screaming at me and said she isn't going to deal with me right now.

What am I struggling with?
Uhhhmmm.  Life?  I have A (singular) professional outfit I wear to interviews, black slacks and a black collar shirt, nice black shoes, black to slim me down.  But then now its all getting worn so it ddoesn't look so good.

I don't know how to even fold clothes, my ex uses to re-fold my clothes...  hell my mother used to throw out my clothes whensge used to do my laundry, ever since I found that out I've not let her touch my clothes.

Half the pants...all the pants I have minus two pairs are either too slim or too big or too long.  I wear the same 4 shirts typically cause I only have so many that actually fit and look good on me.

My work shoes are destroyed...My good pair of shoes my mother destroyed.  I had those shoes for...5? 6 years?  I took good care of them and she just throws them outside to rot in the sunlight.

I at least have my jackets...  Though the one I love the most, the one my ex gave me, I use as a rug in my froom now, its so tattered and wrecked but I...Just can't throw it away, its all I got left of her.

I have socks, and a belt...Some underwear though I wear the same three pairs cause the others don't fit me comfortably at all or are comfy at all.

So, not many clothes and I can barely take care of the ones I have.  Kind of a big deal when trying to ne social.

My teeth are f***** up, ones a teeny bit chipped but more than anything they're crooked and not attractive at all, I can't smile anymore like I used to,.I.see people are grossed out by it...

Least I got my hair...

I was never raised really, I had some but it ws very skewed towards living how she demanded.

No...All I want to.do is get some means to live in a tent, but i can't afford any of it.  Its so bad I've thought about stealing my moms credit card, buying a few things then disappearing into the world.  Bit I won't do that..

I don't know.  I don't think there's any point to learn s*** here anymore.  How do you protest against the way god made life?

I dnt  even know what I'm struggling with...  Im not aware of it..  I never fucking was.

[Aion]

Well, let me give you some insight. Living on the street sucks, it really does. Living in a tent also sucks, I've done that too.

I asked you what you were struggling with and your big point here was your clothes and your appearance, are those your biggest concerns that you are not 'presentable'?

You seem to understand how to get a job (I know tons of people who have gone months and months unable to find work, perfectly employable individuals, it's not always a matter of incompetence), you understand social elements enough that you at one point had a relationship and a child (despite how you felt your performance went, that doesn't happen 'by accident'), and really you seem quite aware of all the stipulations of your situation.

So what I'm trying to understand is why you keep treating yourself like you're stupid and incapable, when I really think you are capable of so much more? Maybe I've just got on rose-coloured glasses, but maybe yours are s***-stained if you pardon the phrase.

Also sorry, I've got the "Dad-tone" going on right now, but that's the position I feel needs to be filled for you right now.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

No pardon needed.

I think I got lost trying to avoid answering the heart of the question because I didn't know the answer.

You said others can't do the work for me.  I don't want them to.  My biggest problem, my reason for feeling so stupid and incapable, is that I'm a 24 year old man who doesn't know how to do the things necessary to live.

When I was homeless I also had a pregnant girlfriend with me...  I know how much it sucks...  But if that's...

Anyway, I don't want others to do the work for me, I want to be taught how to do the work so I can do it myself...

That I don't know how to 'do the work (of living)' is why I feel towards myself as I do.  

I want to be independent.  Live my life on my own.  Make my own road in life...  Go somewhere, do something, be someone.  Handle my emotions and counsel my suffering to help find contentness enough to be able to handle a fulltime job, to pay the bills, to know how to pay the bills..., to be autonomous and live a social life with others.

To...  Be alive...  To...  ...  Live.

I don't know how, and no one understands...  And, it seems I'm too messed up emotionally to be open to learning.  Its like I need to get counseling to work to live, but I'm expected realistically to work to get counseling to live.  But I can barely handle the apathetic backwards way of so many jobs to handle working long enough ro afford counseling...

I feel like I hit a dead end on my road in life...  And there weren't any forks in the road before hand to backtrack towards...

So I don't know what's up with that, Am I expected to function normally when I'm so emotional I can't even talk about myself here without feeling suicidal?? Am I expected to function when I feel like I'm malfunctioning??

Why...?

[Aion]

I'll also share some things about myself. I went to college right after high school and dropped out after 2 months. I returned home and worked as a tech for maybe 5 months before moving back to the other city I was in. Got an apartment with a roommate and things were alright, got a girlfriend and a decent paying job, but I didn't understand much of how to live in society, certainly never did any taxes or anything of the sort, and after I got deeper in to metaphysics and played with some psychedelics I then started to have back problems with scholiosis due to the work I was doing, so I had to quit my job. I didn't get another job for about 4 years (so yeah, don't feel like being unemployed makes you less valuable) and largely because I made absolutely no effort to. I lived as a couch-surfer and on the streets, I would sleep in the jam space or camp out when it was available. I had incredibly poor eating habits in this time and really I was half-convinced I didn't even need to eat. Don't get me wrong, I was raised in a 'regular' household (with divorced parents) insofar as it goes, and really I was completely unprepared for adulthood. Sometimes even having a 'good start' doesn't put you all that further ahead.

After four years of failing bands, homelessness, hunger and discomfort I was at rock bottom and heavily suicidal (after dealing with depression since late elementary school) and I had pretty much accepted the takeover of my mind and body by demonic entities cause I was doing that sort of thing.

The only thing that can keep you going when all other lights go out is your own will-to-live. Maybe that seems bleak and it would be nicer if reality just gave you all the support and motivation you need, but the fact is you need to have your own Will your own drive to do things, but there has to be a compromise somewhere. You are going to have to do things you don't want to do and things that you find unpleasant. That is what independence means is that you have to take care of things for yourself. I used to hate cleaning and really I still do but one day I realized that if I don't do it then the house just becomes a cesspit because otherwise it won't get done.

The fact is if you want freedom you have to take responsibility for yourself. Stop blaming your Mom or parents for 'messing you up' or 'not raising you' when you don't even have the willpower to take responsibility for yourself.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not unfamiliar with the severity of your emotional issues. My fiance has severe OCD and anxiety, contamination phobia and aghoraphobia (meaning she is afraid to leave the house) and I have seen her locked up for entire days in her anxiety and worrying. She will spiral in to a thought and it will consume her for hours. I know what it's like, I understand how hard it is, I have been through it and I have watched it. However, there is a point where you have to take a leap, maybe a leap of faith. You either have to give up and just plod yourself to death, or you have to make the choice to do something different. It will probably be terrifying and difficult. When my fiance realized that her mental health was only deterioriating at the job she was at and that going in to any other similar job would do the same it was a very tough decision since she NEEDS stability for her peace of mind. Without any guarantee of success she quit her job on went on medical leave and decided to try and pursue schooling for a job where she can stay at home and to do so with government funding. It took months of work, and tears, and giving up and arguements, but with half an hour left to the deadline on Friday they finalized everything and she started school yesterday.

There were many times we thought things weren't going to work out and there was a lot of pain, but with perseverance and willpower my fiance, who has ptsd due to sexual abuse, ocd, severe anxiety, aghoraphobia and contamination phobia, she was able to do it. (Seriously, she is afraid of the vacuum and the sound of dishes.)

If she can pull that off, I absolutely believe that you can pull it off to put yourself on a path that is more healthy for you.

Oh and for the record I am only 27 and only just began to figure out how to function in society when I was about 23-24, so buddy, don't feel bad, you're not as far behind as you think. (And at least you haven't fallen to drug use and OD'd like a number of my friends who were younger than you.)

I'll also tell you that I am bored as f*** cooking noodles every day for work (despite vowing in the past I would never be a line cook), but I enjoy having food, a warm place to sleep, animal companions and the potential to build upon a foundation. Foundations go in the ground, you gotta dig through the dirt to set em up. You can't make a solid foundation without getting a little dirty. I sure don't agree with a lot of the philosophies of the company, but I don't intend to stay there and I focus my energy towards the good quality of my work, so right now it is a necessary stepping stone to get to the place I really want to be, which is self-employed.

There is an old saying that the difference between a master and a novice is that the master has failed more times than the novice has even tried. Don't be afraid to fail, it's not the end of the world unless you give up.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

So, how much support did she have?  Were you with her during these times?

Most people don't realize how much energy they acquire from being with another even if passively.

You think I can pull it off? That's lovely, I do too.  But alone, my entire life.  I don't know if its worth pulling off if that's what I have to look forward to.

Must be nice, having someone else no matter how or who they are.

I used to feel like I could move mountains when I was with my ex.  I made it so far but even then...

I don't think there's much help to be had.  You can't expect a kid to put together a car.  Why would you expect them to do so with a life?  Even with friends.  If you don't ever teach them how to do it, they're just gonna have to piece it together on their own, and if they aren't even aware they need to, how f***** are they?

And when they find out they need to but its been so long and you don't even have all the pieces anymore, I'm just expected to love it or something?

Sigh.  As far as I'm concerned, this universe is above my rationale, its 'Love' is too out there for me to rationalize with my human being.

All I see as Joe is a universe designed to hurt me to teach me.  How do I take responsibility for that?  What if I don't want to participate in this style of learning?  Why is MY free will ignored?  I don't want to perpetuate places like this but apparently I can't even kill myself to leave as a sign of protest.  For a loving universe it does not care much for its illusions.

Taking responsibility is nice and all, and yet every time I do its like creation conspires to shut that s*** dooown.

What do you do when life itself seems designed to screw you the moment you try to break free of some incarnational catalytic lessons like abuse and subjugation and codependency?

Cause I'm pretty fed up with my life and I don't see any universal shits given, how am I supposed to think?

Don't take it personally the universe doesn't discriminate??

I do not understand, I know I'm not supposed to but doing anything when I don't know how to is one thing when its only so complicated, but with something as convuluted, twisted, and backwards as life...That's actually cruel in my mind to do to a being who hasn't a clue.

And, who cares?

None of its real anyways, right?  Just an illusion so what does its creator care what it does inside such a creation?

I feel like I'm teetering on a fence of manifestation or potentiation.  Life or death.
I lack the elegance to describe myself adequately so I'm just going to stop.

You can try to be fatherly but I highly doubt it'll do anything bit make me defensive...

Siiigh.  An entite life with abuse themes in it.  I hope one day the One Infinite finds a way to exclude me from any and all places like this...  I'd rather be a guide than a human...

[Aion]

You have been defensive from the start because you want to do anything to protect your misery, it is your comfort zone.

No, I don't think you can be helped, because you don't want to get out of it. You are perfectly content to sit in your misery.

It's not any mysterious, confusing or weird, bizarre state you're in. You're not some abnormal alien who just is too different to fit in. You're depressed and you are acting the way all depressed people act. I know, because I've dealt with depression for most of my life and you look exactly how I look when I get in to my episodes.

I also know because of that experience that no matter how I encourage you, you won't respond to it, because you have eyes only for your self-hatred. I know exactly what that is like. "Taking responsibility is nice and all, and yet every time I do its like creation conspires to shut that s*** dooown." No, no, it does not. You shut it down when you give up on it. Again, you're just blaming 'the universe' when things don't work out how you want them to.

So lets do an exercise. Lets redesign your life, I want you to give me an idea of what a 'successful' upbringing or path through life looks like?

The problem you have (from my perspective), and like most people who go metaphysically insane, is you're so stuck in your mind that you think that all of the ideal states you see there can be applied to the physical body, but there's a reason we have to differentiate between the physical and metaphysical, between the ideal and the actual, between the archetype and the manifestation. I can't, for the life of me, understand all these individuals who perceive higher realities and why they seem to be so upset that it's 'not like that here'. Duh, it's not supposed to be.

[Aion]

Oh, and I guess to answer to what do I do if it seems like reality is working against me? I FIGHT.

In this way maybe I am different from some others. When it comes to fight or flight I choose to fight rather than to flee.

Trust me, I do understand where you are coming from though. My fiance laments to me every day that she just wants to win the lottery so we don't have to actually deal with any of the human stuff anymore. She, like you, has pretty much only ruled out suicide because we're pretty sure it won't actually let you escape your problems.

I'll tell you what, if we do happen to win the lottery I'll pay for you to learn to program and you can join my video game company I'll be starting.

[sjel]

You have been defensive from the start because you want to do anything to protect your misery, it is your comfort zone.

No, I don't think you can be helped, because you don't want to get out of it. You are perfectly content to sit in your misery.

It's not any mysterious, confusing or weird, bizarre state you're in. You're not some abnormal alien who just is too different to fit in. You're depressed and you are acting the way all depressed people act. I know, because I've dealt with depression for most of my life and you look exactly how I look when I get in to my episodes.

I also know because of that experience that no matter how I encourage you, you won't respond to it, because you have eyes only for your self-hatred. I know exactly what that is like. "Taking responsibility is nice and all, and yet every time I do its like creation conspires to shut that s*** dooown." No, no, it does not. You shut it down when you give up on it. Again, you're just blaming 'the universe' when things don't work out how you want them to.

These words would have, in my most resistant depression, completely shattered me and driven me even further into my resistance. This post confuses me. Because it is absolutely true. The depressed person interprets this as confirmation of their failure. As I read this I witnessed the old depressed stagnant self (which is still exerting some degree of power over me) cringing and falling back into the hole of stagnance and perception of eternal unchange.

This is a terrible feeling. However, I hesitantly theorize that this sort of post serves to exacerbate depression in the short run for the purposes of breaking one out of it in the long run, by way of accelerating and intensifying the effects.

My more aware reaction now, to this post, was to become more alert, and I sort of 'shook off' some of the cobweb of stagnance that has accumulated in the past few days. However I certainly feel trepidation that perhaps the depressed self is right, that everything is unchange, I am doomed to stagnate for a long long time? But no, it can't be, I've already done that, that's already been experienced. Why then does the fear of stagnance remain?

I think depression is fear of stagnance, and therefore you stagnate, wallow. Fear of never changing and remaining the same small confined self forever, so therefore you remain the same small confined self as long as you have that fear.

I really think that you eventually just stop stagnating because you are tired of it. Coordinate_Apotheosis, when you are ready to stop being depressed and resisting change, you will. Simple as that. Take these posts as the beginning of your awareness of your resistance to change.

Accept that you are downright rejecting advice in favor of remaining the same.

It is very scary to accept this, VERY scary, in fact it compels one to seeks every alternative option instead of change oneself. Some people would rather commit suicide than change. I know I almost did. (several times)

[sjel]

"Taking responsibility is nice and all, and yet every time I do its like creation conspires to shut that s*** dooown." No, no, it does not. You shut it down when you give up on it. Again, you're just blaming 'the universe' when things don't work out how you want them to.

Got - DAMN son. I take my excited and motivated reaction to this incisive truth as a sign that I have indeed matured and evolved since the last time I read something like this. My motivated self is stronger now, for whatever reason. Who can tell when one will choose to stop being depressed.

[Aion]

Some people get caught up in the idea that if they take a step forward it will be 'two steps back'. I have found a novel approach is that you take your step back first, get it over with, and then take two steps forward.

I am glad you have been able to perceive my effort here. It does appear on the surface that I am 'confirming' what he is saying about himself, but in that, by being another person, I'm giving him a chance to see if that's really what he's willing to accept. I am, to be completely honest, trying to ignite that fight or flight instinct and trying to get some fight going.

I'm not saying those things because I think they are right or true, but because I have some faint hope that he might actually refute me.

Actually, I'm using one of the techniques that Ra offered, just instead of using anger I am applying it to depression.

46.9 Questioner: Certainly.

Ra: The entity polarizing positively perceives the anger. This entity, if using this catalyst mentally, blesses and loves this anger in itself. It then intensifies this anger consciously in mind alone until the folly of this red-ray energy is perceived not as folly in itself but as energy subject to spiritual entropy due to the randomness of energy being used.

Positive orientation then provides the will and faith to continue this mentally intense experience of letting the anger be understood, accepted, and integrated with the mind/body/spirit complex. The other-self which is the object of anger is thus transformed into an object of acceptance, understanding, and accommodation, all being reintegrated using the great energy which anger began.

The negatively oriented mind/body/spirit complex will use this anger in a similarly conscious fashion, refusing to accept the undirected or random energy of anger and instead, through will and faith, funneling this energy into a practical means of venting the negative aspect of this emotion so as to obtain control over other-self, or otherwise control the situation causing anger.

Control is the key to negatively polarized use of catalyst. Acceptance is the key to positively polarized use of catalyst. Between these polarities lies the potential for this random and undirected energy creating a bodily complex analog of what you call the cancerous growth of tissue.

So, basically, you have to get to rock bottom and see that there's nowhere to go but up. The same energy that goes in to your passions is locked up in your depression.

[Aion]

Oh, on the topic of stagnation, it is actually quite simple. Things that stagnate are things that don't move. That's why water stagnates, because it stops flowing. When water flows, it gets cleaned and purified and so is no longer stagnant. This is just the principle of momentum and inertia. That's what people don't realize is that you have to build some momentum and then eventually inertia will keep you going, but from a resting, resistant state of depression it takes a lot of energy to get momentum going and built up enough for it to start flowing on its own. The same is like working out when you are out of shape. It's gonna burn for the first while until you build enough momentum for it to carry itself.

We cannot offer shortcuts to enlightenment. Enlightenment is of the moment, is an opening to intelligent infinity. It can only be accomplished by the self, for the self. Another self cannot teach/learn enlightenment, but only teach/learn information, inspiration, or a sharing of love, of mystery, of the unknown that makes the other-self reach out and begin the seeking process that ends in a moment, but who can know when an entity will open the gate to the present?

[Minyatur]

@sjel I think you expressed well the importance of faith, through talking about the effect of fear which is it's opposite. From my experience with someone who is depressed, the fear to not be able to change is the greatest barrier, the fear to not be able to achieve, because that prevents you from even trying. I saw my ex f*** up her entire school program of what she really really really really wanted to do for a living and was passionate about (though she now did something different and succeeded at it!) because of fearing to fail. She had a chemistry test and I was there to help her study for it and her sole barrier at that moment was fear. I was literally getting everything she wouldn't get by resolving her exercises for her to then try to explain how to do that, I was there for her, trying to help her get what she wouldn't get, but she was completely unable to focus on anything, all she felt was paranoia about what people would think of her once she fails, how her friends there would find her lame, and she ended up on the floor screaming she can't go to her exam rather than attempt with my help at studying for it when she had much time to put on that but was unable to, and then she couldn't face her classmates anymore because of not having went and ended up never going to a single class to that school again. She's definitely not stupid, quite the opposite, and she definitely had all the potential to succeed, but her fears were more dominant.

It seems to me that what it often boils down to is that orange ray issues makes of your own self what is not your own friend. What does it do to not be your own friend? You place judgment on yourself, you place barriers on yourself, you weight yourself down, you discourage yourself, you don't believe in yourself and you basicly wait to see your own failure because that is what you expect of yourself to be like "Ha! I saw that coming, knew I was worthless, smh". And an important point I think is that you literally use others to place judgment of yourself on yourself, it's never so much about others because if you were acceptant of yourself it'd matter much less than another is not, it isn't even realistic to wish to please everyone so it's much more healthy to first please yourself.

Disempowering thought are powerful and disempowering thoughts right before sleep are even more powerful because you're in a meditative state talking s*** about your own self and rooting it right at the bottom of your subconcious for it to trigger everywhen in your daily life. Your essence is potential and not non-potential, so always focus on potential and set that as a direction and things will move toward the better.

[Aion]

It takes time to change your own mind as well as effort but it is possible. Neuroplasticity is a proven phenomenon and the brain can redesign itself with the right effort and influence.

Okay, so let's start with the base of your issues, Joe.

You are in a lot of emotional turmoil and have had a hard time getting a job which has added to that turmoil. Being in a different country I can't really get too much info on local resources but I can look over your resume if you like and maybe we can discuss some interview concepts. I'm not super savvy with the 'real' world but I do have a decent sense of professionalism.

I can also offer to do some ongoing Reiki therapy with you if you would be interested, I am certified. This would not cost you anything. It is not as effective long distance but maybe it can give you a bit of a boost until you can find some more localized help.

Also, love can come in surprising ways. I know it's easy to fall in to the 'forever alone' mindset, but truly you have no idea when you might just happen to meet someone. It can be completely unprecedented.

[Minyatur]

It takes time to change your own mind as well as effort but it is possible. Neuroplasticity is a proven phenomenon and the brain can redesign itself with the right effort and influence.

It takes time because you are working against the existing patterns and on each of them you have to make a choice to shift your view of things.

Meditation is helpful because in deep meditation you work with the root of your subconscious whereas in your daily life your stir the surface. Goes back to what I said about negative thinking while falling asleep in the dark and I think people underestimate a whole lot how much in those moments they wreck the patterns of their daily life.

What do you wish to entertain within? A view of light or a view of dark? Pick a direction and apply it to your thoughts.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

You know what, you're absolutely right Aion.  I don't get why it's so hard for people to just be honest about that to me, I'm already aware of it but no one wants to admit it to me.

I do think you came off a bit scathing though but that's probably because you're aware of how your words describe you as well.

Although to be fair regards protecting misery as the reason for my defensiveness, I might just say, I don't protect the misery itself, I protect the comfort and familiarity that accompanies that misery in that I know it, I've lived with it, it's...Predictable.  It's catalyst I can meet.

Also, its cool you call this a 'depression episode', I call it nihilism.  Then again you must understand something dude.  I am sharing my dark and sad bits and parts and pieces because I am lonely and I have no one else to talk to about these things.  Yes I am defensive, because it's very vulnerable parts of myself I don't share often.  I don't tell people what my mother does, I honestly never thought to because I never realized how bad it was until I shared it here and you all basically had the same response.

So, thank you man but I think I might suggest the next time you get fed up with dealing with someone's shell, to disarm it by telling them what you truly think, like you did to me, without trying to cut it into them like a knife.

Because now the knife is going to return to you one day man, someone's going to cut into you and tell you and call you everything you just called me.  They'll argue you're metaphysically insane just as you called me it today.  I was angry at first but when I read your words, I don't see you describing me.

I see you describing you.  I just happen to be a perfect mirror to paint such a description upon.

In reality, despite my depression and suicide and 'episodes' of nihilistic hopelessness and my great paralyzing fears and hatreds, they all are the chaff to my life, I do the Ra exercises, I see in that nihilism is a point and in that point nihilism.  I see in my depression joy and in my joy depression.  That I share my negative emotions more so is because I have a lot to process man.

Watch out dude, someone's going to do to you what you just did to me, and I hope you have the grace of a screen and time to calm down to meet them with mercy and kindness the way I am now.

I wanted to yell at you, but I realized I'd just be yelling at you describing yourself in me, and that's not fair to you.  You were just being honest, albeit you could have been nicer but that's not my problem as much as yours.  So, thanks for the honesty.

Today I realized that I need to do creative things to keep myself happy, that my life is as much a blessing as a curse, that my abusive mother is the irritation that produces the pearl of this life of mine, the great causer of my deep depths of emotion and creativity.

I have my days, I have my times where I fall down into 'I'm nothing'.  But truly, for my gloomy being, my kindness is born of a silent optimism that everything is worthy and good, even in misery and suffering.  There's a song by NIN, Happiness in Slavery.  No matter what my mindset, once I calm down and let my mind settle down, I can transmute it.

Thanks for the kickstart, just for future reference in case you ever meet another person going through that.  Try to be nicer to them

[Spooner]

Nice isn't always the nicest.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I'm not asking for the nicest, just to be more sensitive about such sensitive things when being precisely honest about them.

I'm not saying he was wrong in how he said it, I just worry that the next person to be met with that honesty and seriousness won't find it so helpful.

[Minyatur]

It's hard to gauge being accomodant over being harsh in a desire to help another as we're all learning.

To try to blend both. Once again I want to tell you that you are already doing a whole lot, but that you have to be open to learn how to better transform yourself as you feel stuck in your current patterns. Acceptance is key.

About your mother, this might get old, but perhaps meditating on your deeper relationship with her soul might help in making the entire situation more meaningful to you.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I did just that, I think I just need to love her, and I do love her, otherwise I wouldn't be nice to her or respect her or consider her another human being, albeit one like me who also needs help.
And considering I try to love everyone, I fail sometimes, but that's okay.  Life goes on.

I do value this all, I just get angry at it too, am I not all things?  I'unno, but I think I did get offended by the honesty, and called it harsh, perhaps it was prude of me.

Sorry Aion, I do appreciate your honesty, I think you advised this of me once.

I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Please Forgive Me.
Love you, bro.

I think if I knew the whole picture of all of this, I imagine, probably arrogantly, that I could maybe pinch a change or two here or there, and make everything just a bit less hopeless for many people in the darker parts of the planet.

If I knew, but all I know is nothing, but thankfully, that's still something.  So, it's one thing, and one is a start.  Moving onward, do-do-do-dooo~

Sigh, I don't like being defensive, I should really try not to be more often.

Thanks for all of the advice, honesty, helpfulness, and eloquence of your posts everyone.  A good learning experience.  Since I learned something, I hope I taught everyone something too, even if it's not a flattering idea of me haha.

Aion, I do think your words reflect you in a way.  I find great honesty usually does that, cuts right to the point, and is double-edged

Min, I find that I think I accept something, and yet still find I do not, and even when exercising them, I find they don't really correspond. Acceptance/nonacceptance might sound right but maybe my lesson is a bit more, slanted. Acceptance/Denial, I seem to be in denial about a lot and it's hard to accept that. I was once openminded, I find I'm just a stubborn fool now a days hah, I think a good question to ask of you is;
How does one be openminded? What must the steps be to be openminded?

Again, thank you everyone, and sorry for getting defensive at you Aion. You don't deserve that, you're just trying to help me.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Ah, missed a post.

I'll think about your reiki offer, as I am now though, I just gotta...

Ah...  I don't how to explain this, I just need to get into a good mood, and ride that happy feeling like a wave, and just, you know, be happy, AND THEN approach some things in a meditation so I'm not as predisposed to be so negative and closed and get attached or sidetracked in anything.

I just need to not be so stagnant.  Get out more.  I should go see how the pricky pear fruit cacti in my neighborhood are coming along.  See if anyone has left anything out front like, big garbage bags of sticks from a cut down tree, or something.  I've found a lot scavenging my neighborhood in the past.  Just running a route of a walk and checking all of the streets every night around 2:45am.  Keep an eye on everyone's fruit trees, there's a pomegranate one a couple blocks down from me.  And apparently a lemon one very far away, orange and grapefruit trees here and there.  Then there's the pricky pears when they're in season.  I don't think there are any other fruits in my neighborhood, though I've only stuck to the...Poorer side.

Pricky pears, why nature, just why.  Such deliciousness hidden inside such cruel pointy painful penetrating lessons.  Even the seeds are edible, so why is it covered in the most horrible teeny-tiny little freakin spines?>!  I end up bringing my backpack with two grocery bags and a pair of tongs to harvest them around my neighborhood.  Actually, I don't even know if it's legal to harvest fruit from a cactus on public or private property.  And at 3am, probably looks suspicious lol.

...Oh, paranoia, what can anyone share with me about paranoia?  What's up with that?

[Nicholas]

...Oh, paranoia, what can anyone share with me about paranoia?  What's up with that?

Its purely subjective. It's basically the experience of loss and our struggle to reconcile ourselves to it. Moderate paranoia, in my view, is best identified as "what if?". It's a simple doubt that has no objectionable of verifiable data to validate it. The extreme version results in a detailed story that renders the author paralysed and unable to recognise the fact that they created the story in the first place. The antidote to paranoia is personal introspection or insight.