Trying to get back to recognising the self

[Hello123]

I had a glimpse of the Absolute and the opening of the heart chakra in june of last year and overall i had the feeling that things do happen for you not to you.
But very soon after that things went downhill and it had been steadily really bad. With not much light on the horizon.
I had a psychotic episode and started taking medication. And the recognition of the absolute or being aware of the light or of things being possible had been on 0 for a long time. It seems like i'm just waiting around to die. Not sure what the point of this thread is.

[Scah]

Thank you for sharing your experience. If you don't mind, please provide a little bit more detail on what are you going through and where your emotional state is at right now. Others might be going through or have gone through similar experience and with a bit more detail, people can share their experience with you and you might be able to find something useful in others' experience.

[J.W.]

I had a glimpse of the Absolute and the opening of the heart chakra in june of last year and overall i had the feeling that things do happen for you not to you.
But very soon after that things went downhill and it had been steadily really bad. With not much light on the horizon.
I had a psychotic episode and started taking medication. And the recognition of the absolute or being aware of the light or of things being possible had been on 0 for a long time. It seems like i'm just waiting around to die.  Not sure what the point of this thread is.

You have courage, and you need to be aware of that.

You posting this thread comes from a place of courage from within you, and it is also coupled with your cry for help.

We are listening, and we hear you. Stay strong. This path you are on, many have traversed before and many will be going through it after you.

"Invictus" is a poem by William Ernest Henley, and it helped me when I was going through the darkest valley in my journey.

A strong sense of "Will" and telling myself and my challenges that I will push forward no matter what, helped me. My intention was fiery, aggressive, and scary to others. But I wasn't directing that to other-selves, and only used it to keep me going at the early stages of my journey towards peace.

Now I harness and balanced the "will" power from within. Knowing that I possess a destructive force and a creative/peaceful force within myself.

This may be a "bumper sticker advice" but truly, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger."

If I could give you a glimpse beyond this place you are going through. Beyond here, there is a version of you that is much stronger, much more resilience, the strength, the energy you will re-discover from inside yourself will be for you to utilize freely. At the same time, you will have a much bigger understanding and compassion for those around you, because you see "yourself" in them, and you will help them get through their "valley of death."

The essence you will project is going to be "pure" and "genuine" without the pretentious and false projection of the ego like most "idols" we see in today's world.

On that note, I highly suggest you to be careful about following the path towards these "idols" in any of their forms, (motivational speaker, gurus, celebrity, etc. etc.) For those "paths" are theirs, and following them would not serve you your "own" path.

You got this,

With much love and light Seeker,

[Hello123]

Thank you for sharing your experience. If you don't mind, please provide a little bit more detail on what are you going through and where your emotional state is at right now. Others might be going through or have gone through similar experience and with a bit more detail, people can share their experience with you and you might be able to find something useful in others' experience.

Thank you for replying. Which part of my life would you suggest i go into detail?

I feel shame and worthlessness and deadness and inadequacy 100%of the time.

[Hello123]

@J.W.


Thank you. I was expecting this thread to be ignored.
I'm not sure. Like maybe that's what life is supposed to feel like to people at this point in time.

My level of intellegence has been so dulled by those 2 psychotic episodes and medication...
I don't know if it's a thing but all my previous spiritual downloads and stuff like that came from unintentional meditation. I have been attempting to meditate recently but nothing is happening. I don't know does antipsychotic medication work this way. And the whole antypsychotic medication thing is cool and all. But if you take them for a long time your health goes not mentioning everything else. So i need to figure something out.

Also. A confession. I feel like without dramatic stuff like being to insane asylims and stuff like that i sort of do not have an edge to me. Am kind of dull.

I don't see any return on effort.

[sillypumpkins]

Hi Hello (lol)

I don't really have any strong advice like others might give on here. I am working with some similar things in my life (feeling of inadequacy, worthlessness), so I understand that "rut", as it were (within the confines of my own experience of course, you seem to have some heavier stuff going on with the meds)

I encourage you to keep posting here if that's something you find helpful. Sometimes it helps to just get things out. I really like reading about other's experiences too.

Like JW said, you have courage, and it shows. Remember that.

[Scah]

Thank you for sharing your experience. If you don't mind, please provide a little bit more detail on what are you going through and where your emotional state is at right now. Others might be going through or have gone through similar experience and with a bit more detail, people can share their experience with you and you might be able to find something useful in others' experience.

Thank you for replying. Which part of my life would you suggest i go into detail?

I feel shame and worthlessness and deadness and inadequacy 100%of the time.

I would say the first step is to sit with these feelings to find out the causes of these feelings and accept them as part of you.

Then slowly explore activities/experiences in your daily life that might help you feel less of these feelings and more of the positive feelings that you prefer.

The exploration will be slow but you might find a sense of accomplishment in slowly feeling the way you want to feel.

[Daze]

It seems that it would be worthwhile to reflect on the trajectory from which the sense of shame and inadequacy arise within you.  

By what standard are you measuring yourself with and why is it necessary?  

Is there shame in feeling that you do not see the Absolute, that your not feeling it is somehow an indication of being unworthy?

[Hello123]

Sillypumpkins, thank you.


Scah

The lifestyle those 2 episodes have resulted in. I became really unconfident.
I tried getting a job several times still am trying. I had to increase my medication cause i started feeling some offness. Doctor said we started tapering too early. Now i'm using this as an excuse to not apply for a job for a little bit. This is the sort of relationship to life i have at the moment.
It's hard to put into words.

My doctor is very insistent though on me getting a job as soon as possible. He says its a part of healing.

My feelings of creativity and passion are long gone.

I like playing soccer but i need people to play with ...

Other than that. I dont know just the quality of second to second experience of life is just unprefferable.

[Hello123]

It seems that it would be worthwhile to reflect on the trajectory from which the sense of shame and inadequacy arise within you.  

By what standard are you measuring yourself with and why is it necessary?  

Is there shame in feeling that you do not see the Absolute, that your not feeling it is somehow an indication of being unworthy?

Daze
Somehow in the latter part of 2018 i started getting a little paranoid and weird. The onset of the psychosis i guess. Before that i would say i wad kind of a wild human being.
And just the lifestyle that eventual psychosis had resulted in kind of robbed me of my confidence.

Its just that over the top insecure feeling i started to have when i'm around people. 2019 was really the year except the spiritual high was when i had developed the insecurity.

I'm just worried that my reality maybe obscured by drugs.

[Ashim]

Don’t worry about the drugs.
They have been an incredibly important tool for me.
You’re doing fine. I really think so.
Take care of your spiritual hygiene.
Perform positive rituals.
Just make them up. You’ll be ok.

Focus on your heart. You’ll notice the way the negative and positive cancel each other out.
Good luck.

[Daze]

That sounds like quite the difficult place you find yourself to be. What does your insecurity say to you? About you?

I hope you can find some room to forgive yourself of the shame you feel, and offer yourself support when you need it. Especially in those crushing weights of inadequacy, shame, and desensitization that hound you. I would suggest finding things which do indeed help you to feel, as well as those that help you to see your own qualities that warrant appreciation. Focus upon these and that which you love, for we become that which we dedicate our attention towards.

[J.W.]

@J.W.


Thank you. I was expecting this thread to be ignored.
I'm not sure. Like maybe that's what life is supposed to feel like to people at this point in time.

My level of intellegence has been so dulled by those 2 psychotic episodes and medication...
I don't know if it's a thing but all my previous spiritual downloads and stuff like that came from unintentional meditation. I have been attempting to meditate recently but nothing is happening. I don't know does antipsychotic medication work this way. And the whole antypsychotic medication thing is cool and all. But if you take them for a long time your health goes not mentioning everything else. So i need to figure something out.

Also. A confession. I feel like without dramatic stuff like being to insane asylims and stuff like that i sort of do not have an edge to me. Am kind of dull.

I don't see any return on effort.

Medication dulls the mind and body,

remember these words,

yes, you may need them for now.. But the "awareness" of their side effects will help you realize that you SHOULD NOT adopt the inherent "side effect" of the pills.

Those effects is NOT you.


This is speaking for experience, I know what it's like to be "dull" under meds.


During meditation, it's not about reaching a destination or "curing" something. The whole purpose of meditation is the "stillness" and "observing" of your existence.

Things will move, disrupt, chaotic in and out of your life while you are meditating. And it can be "nothing" at the same time.

Awareness my friend, awareness....

you have it, but you are not 100% aware ..yet..

Trust me, I see the strength in you, and you can do this...

Trust yourself as much as I trust you as my otherselves.

With much love and light SP1, we are with you on this journey.

[Hello123]

@Ashim thank you.
@Daze What does insecurity say to me. I ll have to think about that

@J.W. thank you. What's SP1?

[Hello123]

Can you people give me some more advice or something...

[sillypumpkins]

What are you looking for advice on, Hello? You've gotten some helpful replies here.

[Diana]

One thing you might consider is volunteering somewhere, such as a nursing home. Many elderly don't have anyone and they are very lonely and isolated. There was a nursing home where I grew up. Part of therapy for some people was volunteering there. The volunteers would play cards or just talk with or be with the residents.

The point of it is to be of service and help others, while getting out of yourself for a little while. Sometimes when things are tough we tend to be immersed in the difficulties because they press in on us and affect everything. It does help to step away, in a situation like volunteering, and focus on something outside of self, on others, for a bit. This is something you could do until you get a job, and it would be something needed and productive.

This is just an idea and not meant to be pressure or make you feel badly if you don't do it.

[J.W.]

@Ashim thank you.
@Daze What does insecurity say to me. I ll have to think about that

@J.W. thank you. What's SP1?

Oh I am so sorry,

I mistype, SP1 is another member's name.

I suggest meditation, it will be boring and seems like it isn't helping at first, but if you give it some time, it will start.

With love and light friend :]