I'm sorry.

[Brandon Gwinn]

I would ask for prayer and if you feel it would help then you're welcome to do so. I've prided myself recently as a mystic. What I'm turning out to be is one big mistake. I preach and teach about ego and I feel I'm the biggest one there is. Problem is I see it all and I can't stop. I'm a runaway train. I'm weak, lazy and lots of other things. My whole life I've tried to do what's right, or at least that's what I've convinced myself of. Now I don't know what to do. I know what I need to do, but I got way too much quit in me. I know all the wisdom, Yada Yada yada, I need to lay down on the altar, but this living sacrifice just wants to get right up and eat a sandwich. I wish I could be stopped in my tracks, and maybe it's best for humanity if that were the case, but I have a feeling life's not gonna make it that easy on me, come what may. I'm sick and cold. God have mercy on our souls.

[Patrick]

I'm thinking of you. We certainly don't make it easy on ourselves when we program our catalysts. Don't underestimate how much "the silence" can help.

I caught Omicron a couple weeks ago and went to choir practice without knowing this and now a choir member is going to be unplugged from the ventilator today. This person will basically die because of me.

So it seems we are presented with catalysts related to forgiveness of self. I shall endeavour in that direction and listen to the silence. We don't forgive ourselves in words...

For what it's worth, I forgive you for whatever fault you think you have and for whatever you are going to do.

[Diana]

I totally understand. But I will say, cut yourself some slack. 

Like you, I mess up all the time. Every day basically. Not only is this world difficult and getting more so, there is a mass consciousness here that we are not immune to, and in saying that I don’t mean to subvert responsibility, only that it is a factor. 

Hang in there. You have a good heart. Try to accept who you are in this moment and go from there. That’s what I do and I don’t always succeed. What does really help me is to listen to the leaves rustle in the trees, the birds singing, and feeding the bunnies and deer that visit. Sometimes a friend will call me with problems to discuss and in helping her by listening, the shift of focus changes from beating myself up to being of service. 

Much love to you.

[Steppingfeet]

Dear Brandon,

You are here not to correct your imperfections per se, or to hammer yourself into a chosen shape, but to be merciful with your self in accepting your imperfections. No greater antidote is there for you, dear brother, than to accept yourself equally in success and failure, as it's perceived. That includes the shallow projections of our personality in their often empty vainglory, and the many and often humorous follies of our self-concerned "ego."

Have you stood atop the hill of self-certified virtue to preach but find an ability to embody that which is spoken to others? I applaud your self-honesty. The upward path has a way of tearing down our illusions so that we may release our attachments and be born into a surrendered acceptance of what is. But the Confederation would counsel that this self-honesty never be untwined from compassion for that self which is learning.

• Once again [...] the instrument views the mind/body/spirit complex with jaundiced eye.
  

• Each mind/body/spirit complex that is seeking shall almost certainly have the immature and irrational behaviors. It is also the case that this entity—as well as almost all seekers—has done substantial work within the framework of the incarnative experience and has, indeed, developed maturity and rationality. That this instrument should fail to see that which has been accomplished and see only that which remains to be accomplished may well be noted. Indeed, any seeker discovering in itself this complex of mental and mental/emotional distortions shall ponder the possible non-efficacy of judgment. - Ra, https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/ra-contact/94#9

• Are you thinking that you are not good enough? Let us square away and tackle that thought, for the self-judgment, while useful in Earthly pursuits, is peculiarly disadvantageous to one who seeks to give the self in love. There is a sense of proportion that comes to one who has touched that core being which is tabernacling with the one infinite Creator. Beyond words, beyond actions, this essence is your gift and it is worthy. How beaten down each entity is when he attempts to judge the self against the yardsticks so eagerly accepted. - Q'uo https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/1995/1029
  

• But come with us into the heart, just for a moment, where we feel that there is the need to experience love; and we wish to tell you that you can do this at any time. But come with us now. Feel that energy coming through those distortions in each center, yet moving upwards to the heart. See that energy coming from above, as it were, that calls for inspiration and flows like liquid into the heart; and these two meet where lions guard the door. And you bow to the lions and you do not say, “I deserve to be here,” you say, “Have mercy on me, for I seek love.” And the lions bow to you and the door opens and you walk into this room, this holy of holies. This is the open heart. Sit down. Take your shoes off. You are upon holy ground. Now you are with the Creator, Who can give you rest. You are loved with a passion that creates and destroys worlds. Oh, how you are loved. - Q'uo https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/1996/1122
  

• This learning is legitimate and is part of why you are here. But in judging one’s own value it is very easy to spend time tearing the self down, which could better be spent in holding that dear human self in the arms of the love within and comforting and being with that dear child of Earth that tries so hard and fails so often. It is appropriate for each of you to fail often, to fall down and to pick the self up. - Q'uo https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/1995/1029
  

Be at peace. You are learning.

[IndigoSalvia]

Oh, my dear friend, know that you are loved, warts and all. Whatever infractions you perceive that may cause heartache, guilt, or unworthiness to arise within you, those do not lessen the love that we feel for you. You/we are worthy. You/we are the Creator. You/we are divine. You/we are Love and Light.

Hold this in your heart, my friend, and feel the All Love flowing into and through you from sources beyond where you physically sit while reading these messages. Let this Love and Light settle into the wounds, into the achy places. I hold you tenderly in my heart.

[Sacred Fool]

To add some counterpoint to the chorus here, it might be helpful to note the heavy bias towards self-referential judgment.  The title and your OP are mostly "I" this and "I" that.  What does that tell you? 

It suggests to me that you will not move beyond the periphery of the place where you are caught when it is all bounded by "you."  You need to find larger boundaries than the personal self.  As you say, when you think you know the greater truth, you're still right there in your own little circle of self.

Of course, there is no way out of this.  You cannot escape your self.  "Wherever you go, there you are."  So, what to do?



The path beyond lies within.  The deeper you engage your deeper self, the more that circle of self appears to expand.  How to find your way deeper is your path of exploration.  Proceed to where you feel drawn, to where the light seems to shine more clearly.  This is your own personal sacred journey, seeking through the wilderness to find the heart of self.  This is the sacrament you came here to enact.  So, clear your head and pay closer attention to where your heart leads you, and perhaps your travels will become more genuinely fulfilling?

[zedro]

Eat a sandwich if you want. What's the issue again? A little death and rebirth? Give your eyes a bit of time to adjust.

[Mettadohm]

I would ask for prayer and if you feel it would help then you're welcome to do so. I've prided myself recently as a mystic. What I'm turning out to be is one big mistake. I preach and teach about ego and I feel I'm the biggest one there is. Problem is I see it all and I can't stop. I'm a runaway train. I'm weak, lazy and lots of other things. My whole life I've tried to do what's right, or at least that's what I've convinced myself of. Now I don't know what to do. I know what I need to do, but I got way too much quit in me. I know all the wisdom, Yada Yada yada, I need to lay down on the altar, but this living sacrifice just wants to get right up and eat a sandwich. I wish I could be stopped in my tracks, and maybe it's best for humanity if that were the case, but I have a feeling life's not gonna make it that easy on me, come what may. I'm sick and cold. God have mercy on our souls.

Jiddu Krishnamurti once said "If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation."

Love yourself the way you wish to be loved. Know (because you already know all the wisdom) that you are perfect just the way you are as you read this.

We all have moments where our bodies "want" to stay in comfort zones while our souls yearn for the adventure of the unknown possibilities of spiritual growth.
In Autobiography of a Yogi, there is a nameless mute mystic who uses a stick to write in the sand. According to the book he wrote:

"Do not do what you want, then you are free to do as you like."

For me, this resonated at a time when I was stuck in my comfort zone. All I wanted to do was smoke weed and play video games, but I kept this quote like a mantra in my heart and learned to resist that impulse to cave into what was familiar but did not serve me. I did whatever I liked, besides getting stoned and playing video games. I hiked in nature, practiced yoga, created art, and meditated. Looking back, I am eternally grateful for my times of "getting stoned and playing video games" because that step that no longer serves me was a crucial stepping stone in the path that put me right here and now.

I love you, Brandon. I will keep you in my thoughts and send you positive reinforcement where I can.

[sillypumpkins]

Brandon, thank you for sharing. Your post reflected me back on to myself. I can relate to a lot of what you said.

Sometimes circumstances feel really hard. And I understand the "having too much quit" kinda thing. Whenever things feels too difficult for me, I seek out that sandwich or like, drugs or sex or something. There's a part of me that just wants things to come easy all the time, and yet, when i think about it I'm not too sure I would want to experience life in any other way than I am right now. if that makes sense.

Echoing what others have said... you don't need to be this perfect person, whatever that might look like to you. You don't even need to be just "better" than what you are right now. There's no need to "iron out the wrinkles" just cause they look ugly, or they don't feel good. Your imperfections are already part of the image of perfection that is Brandon. Isn't that funny?

Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that and I can be quite hard on myself. It doesn't feel too good does it! And yet how can we become aware of the needlessness of being self-defeating in our search for perfection without first experiencing, and thus becoming conscious, of such tendencies.

Brandon I love you and thank you again for sharing. Your post has enriched my experience, truly.

Take care

[unity100]

You go do what you can do and what you want to do. The rest is mostly fluff.

[sillypumpkins]

lol unity.... awesome