09-02-2010, 07:03 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-02-2010, 07:08 PM by kristy1111.)
I feel like I can't take much more of humanity. I have tried and tried and tried to serve others, and it gets me almost nowhere. Those I help - even those who *ask* for my help - eventually turn on me (with great venom) when they are taken out of their comfort zones. I've had all kinds of crazy experiences. One long-time dear friend became a born again Christian and suddenly told me I was a demon and she actually cast some kind of spell on me in the name of Jesus. ??? Another guy told me I was the literal "Jezebel" spoken of in the scriptures and I was to be feared and avoided. I don't even know what I did to these people. They just don't like something I share, and suddenly our friendship goes to ****. ~~zap~~
When I left organized religion, I lost all my friends in the church. ("friends"?) My own mother changed her views about me and our relationship is forever altered (for the worse).
I had somebody anonymously report me for child abuse and neglect a month ago. They did it out of spite, hatred, cowardice, and I don't understand how anybody could falsely claim such things. It took us, friends and family by total shock, disbelief and surprise. The charges were soon dropped when the investigators saw that we are wonderful parents, and we got glowing reports from everybody that was interviewed. But it still hurt me that there are human beings out there that *purposely* do this kind of stuff to other humans and are cowards to not even come forward as themselves. I am baffled as to why somebody would even think to do this to me. I would lay awake at night and wail like a dying animal - I was so sad about it. I found out it was done by a lady in the community who has a reputation for being addicted to pain and drama. I was her most recent victim. I have felt such hatred towards her for this and it has shocked me because the degree of hatred is so intense. I have actually had fantasies of tearing her face off and other disgusting things - I couldn't believe a human being could do this to another human. What kind of person am I?????
It seems like the last few months have been so trying - like humanity is falling apart all around me. My limits have been tested so intensely. I have been taught over and over again to love ALL people unconditionally. I have been taught that we are all one. I have been taught to serve others.
But I feel "spit out". I feel defeated. I feel worn out to the core. I can't seem to love unconditionally. I'm so tired of being abused by others (especially those I have been very devoted to and helped through thick and thin) - I feel like I am "spent"...like I don't have an ounce of love left in me. I have become bitter, hateful (very hateful), and lately I even cuss like a sailor as I describe my feelings towards people. Maybe I really AM Jezebel - whoever that is. Maybe I really AM a demon. Maybe they're all right. I don't like who I seem to have become.
My situation is, I know I need to blow it off and not take it personally. I know that I need to love unconditionally. I know that I need to SERVE. I know that we are "all one" and when I hate others, I hate myself. I know all of these things LOGICALLY. But I can't seem to burn them into my heart. Right now I hate so many human beings and when I see stuff they do and say, I hate them all the more. Even on places like Facebook, people b**** and moan about others who don't spell words right! Don't people have anything better to do than criticize each others' spelling and grammatical talent? I saw one lady today who posted something about Steven Hawking because he doesn't believe in God. She said, "It's sad that the miracle we call life and birth got wasted on this pathetic little thing of a man. I hope God squishes him like the bug that he is. Now excuse me while I go throw up!"
.....I was floored.
I feel like I am not part of this group called humanity. I feel like I don't fit in. I feel so alienated from all of them. I know I should love them, but they disgust me. I even disgust myself because I am so much a human myself. I am judging them for being judgmental - how pathetic.
I have this intense fear that I am "not going to make it"...the same fear I had when I was in organized religion. I GREATLY fear that when we "shift", I'll be sitting in the bleachers, wishing I could join the "righteous" people ...if only I had loved more, served more, been more unconditional in my service. Then I live in terror of having to do a life like this one all over again - and worse yet, another 26,000 years of 3D hell. I don't even know how to function anymore. I've learned I can't serve these people and be amongst them. Isn't there a way I can serve them without having to talk to them or interact with them? I don't want to be left behind.
I want to love...I really do. Why can't I? WHY??? I feel like I am literally going to go crazy from all of this. I've just laid out all my dirty laundry. Can you help me...anyone? It seems I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Kristy the wicked witch
When I left organized religion, I lost all my friends in the church. ("friends"?) My own mother changed her views about me and our relationship is forever altered (for the worse).
I had somebody anonymously report me for child abuse and neglect a month ago. They did it out of spite, hatred, cowardice, and I don't understand how anybody could falsely claim such things. It took us, friends and family by total shock, disbelief and surprise. The charges were soon dropped when the investigators saw that we are wonderful parents, and we got glowing reports from everybody that was interviewed. But it still hurt me that there are human beings out there that *purposely* do this kind of stuff to other humans and are cowards to not even come forward as themselves. I am baffled as to why somebody would even think to do this to me. I would lay awake at night and wail like a dying animal - I was so sad about it. I found out it was done by a lady in the community who has a reputation for being addicted to pain and drama. I was her most recent victim. I have felt such hatred towards her for this and it has shocked me because the degree of hatred is so intense. I have actually had fantasies of tearing her face off and other disgusting things - I couldn't believe a human being could do this to another human. What kind of person am I?????
It seems like the last few months have been so trying - like humanity is falling apart all around me. My limits have been tested so intensely. I have been taught over and over again to love ALL people unconditionally. I have been taught that we are all one. I have been taught to serve others.
But I feel "spit out". I feel defeated. I feel worn out to the core. I can't seem to love unconditionally. I'm so tired of being abused by others (especially those I have been very devoted to and helped through thick and thin) - I feel like I am "spent"...like I don't have an ounce of love left in me. I have become bitter, hateful (very hateful), and lately I even cuss like a sailor as I describe my feelings towards people. Maybe I really AM Jezebel - whoever that is. Maybe I really AM a demon. Maybe they're all right. I don't like who I seem to have become.
My situation is, I know I need to blow it off and not take it personally. I know that I need to love unconditionally. I know that I need to SERVE. I know that we are "all one" and when I hate others, I hate myself. I know all of these things LOGICALLY. But I can't seem to burn them into my heart. Right now I hate so many human beings and when I see stuff they do and say, I hate them all the more. Even on places like Facebook, people b**** and moan about others who don't spell words right! Don't people have anything better to do than criticize each others' spelling and grammatical talent? I saw one lady today who posted something about Steven Hawking because he doesn't believe in God. She said, "It's sad that the miracle we call life and birth got wasted on this pathetic little thing of a man. I hope God squishes him like the bug that he is. Now excuse me while I go throw up!"
.....I was floored.
I feel like I am not part of this group called humanity. I feel like I don't fit in. I feel so alienated from all of them. I know I should love them, but they disgust me. I even disgust myself because I am so much a human myself. I am judging them for being judgmental - how pathetic.
I have this intense fear that I am "not going to make it"...the same fear I had when I was in organized religion. I GREATLY fear that when we "shift", I'll be sitting in the bleachers, wishing I could join the "righteous" people ...if only I had loved more, served more, been more unconditional in my service. Then I live in terror of having to do a life like this one all over again - and worse yet, another 26,000 years of 3D hell. I don't even know how to function anymore. I've learned I can't serve these people and be amongst them. Isn't there a way I can serve them without having to talk to them or interact with them? I don't want to be left behind.
I want to love...I really do. Why can't I? WHY??? I feel like I am literally going to go crazy from all of this. I've just laid out all my dirty laundry. Can you help me...anyone? It seems I'm nearly at the end of my rope.
Kristy the wicked witch