is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
09-23-2019, 03:03 PM,
#1
is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
Hello Bring4thers... this is my first post and it's out of desperation for a shred of hope.

(Fair warning, this is long and there are lots of details. Please feel free to ask questions if you need clarification; I know I am not the best writer, although at one point I thought I was... #barf).

I'm 32 and recently learned I have narcissistic personality disorder. It was after nearly 8 months of delusion I experienced where I crossed so many boundaries, harassed and abused people, made up lies, and believed I was God. I was in the mental hospital twice, and both times I believed it was someone else's fault and that there was some kind of conspiracy against me because there was no way I could be wrong.

I've been in a deep pit of depression and despair since March-ish. My nearly incessant use of cannabis masked it for a while, until it started making it worse, so I stopped. Since then, I've been feeling completely isolated and cut off from everyone and everything. I am stuck in an endless spiral of thoughts of shame and dread.

You see, my entire life I thought I was normal. I thought everyone thought like me and felt awkward like me. I thought I was a good person because I liked animals, got good grades, and saved my money. I also went to church from age 13-25 pretty regularly, but always felt like the black sheep in my group of Christian friends. I didn't know why. I just thought I was weird, not that there was something wrong with me. Now I see, though, that I projected my own thoughts onto them. I was always pretending, but it was so normal for me that I didn't even notice.

What I didn't realize is that I basically worshiped money. I pretended to like most people because I found most people annoying. I thought something was wrong with other people most of the time. If someone hurt my feelings, they were the bad person, not me. Even if someone said something true, if it was negative I assumed it had to be false because I was a smart/nice/good person who wouldn't do bad things.

I remember writing in my journal before that I sometimes felt like I wasn't a "real person" and I wasn't sure why. This realization that I have NPD has been horrifying. I am full of shame. I'm finding it harder to be around other people than ever mostly because I'm envious that they have what I've always wanted: love, joy, awe, wonder... pretty much all the positive emotions I realized I have never had.

Even compassion/empathy. I knew I didn't have it, but didn't think there was anything wrong. I thought some people must feel it more than others.  

I realized I wanted love but didn't love others around me, even though I thought I did (because why wouldn't you love... that is what good people do!). I don't think I truly loved my family and was basically a fault-finder, yet believed I was simply detail-oriented. I didn't want to be friends with someone I didn't consider a "good fit" or "on the same level" as me, and rarely sought out opportunities to meet up with friends unless it was a double date.

I could go on and on about the terrible things I've realized are true about myself. This has been a waking nightmare. It feels like I am far BEYOND STS at this point.

To boot, I've experienced several freaky supernatural occurrences where my body was not under my sole control. One day in November last year, I was hanging out with a new friend-of-a-friend/acquaintance. I was under the delusion that I was "Love" and had introduced myself to him as such. I was basically on the road to declaring myself God but was hesitant to say it openly because I knew people would think I was crazy, yet my inner world seemed to "prove" it to me. We were sitting inside taking a break from walking around Marina del Rey and suddenly my body became totally paralyzed, and our conversation became very strange -- he seemed to take on a not-so-nice countenance all of a sudden, completely different than who he'd been. He basically challenged my identity, said I wasn't who I said I was, etc. etc. and then said we could rule the world together. We don't need anyone else, just us. It was VERY scary. He tried to get me to leave with him. Meanwhile, it FELT like we were in another dimension completely invisible from the rest of the world. People walked by us as we were yelling at each other and didn't bat an eyelash. Then he tried to get me to leave with him and pointed to a small red Tesla outside and said it was our ride. He seemed very agitated. I was determined not to freak out and just pretended -- my usual MO -- to not be afraid. He tried a few more times to get me to leave with him but I refused.

The next day my new friend had no memory of that happening. He did leave me several scary voicemails and a text that he'd jumped from 10 stories up and didn't die.

Over the next month I ended up stumbling across David Wilcock on Gaia along with Corey Goode and Edge of Wonder.  I was blown away. I had always pooh-poohed all of the metaphysical stuff mainly because it didn't fit in with what I'd been taught was right according to the Bible. Finding out that aliens were real -- and finding the Ra Material -- flipped my world upside down. Learning about Ascension and how that fit in with the Bible also exploded my world. I don't think I would've paid it much attention had I not already been delusional and vaping a ton of THC.

But I was still in the delusion and it got stronger and stronger. I felt like an anointed/chosen Being even though I had no evidence that was true. It felt true and I wondered why God had chosen me, and concluded that it was because I was so humble to not realize that I was "chooseable". My brain was coming up with the most far-fetched explanations for EVERYTHING that was happening to me. I believed i knew the date Jesus was coming back, and felt I had gained true understanding of the Bible and the way the universe worked. Then I started to believe I truly was God. I started believing that I was Mary Magdalene reincarnated to herald in the Divine Feminine, that I was God's wife/equal ("Jesus in female form"/the female Jesus) and was finding it harder and harder to keep it a secret because I, as a narcissist (who still had no idea she was a narcissist) wanted the recognition and admiration so badly after having felt rejected my entire life. The reality is, though, that I was the one rejecting everyone... especially if they didn't seem to recognize how awesome I was. I really wasn't that awesome, though.

The crazy thing is that even though I believed i was the female Jesus, I was obsessed with a guy named Jordan that I'd met in July. He was a Christian, and at one point I believed he was the "vessel" Jesus had chosen to channel through for the Second Coming. He ended up filing a restraining order against me because of my incessant attempts to contact him because I just couldn't accept that Jordan didn't want to talk to me. As a narcissist, I apparently have no ability to recognize boundaries or consider other people's feelings because mine matter more. Gross, I know.

On December 1, I was back in LA (after having moved to Phoenix from FL because "Florida was toxic" -- I believed everyone in my family was against me). I'd gone with a coworker to see Rob Bell (a former pastor; now speaker and author). His show was called "The Holy Shift." I wholeheartedly expected Rob Bell to bring me up on stage as a special guest. (He didn't.)

The next morning I woke up and things felt... different. I was reading the bible on my iPad and then I felt like going out on the patio of my hotel room. When I got out there, I saw a crescent moon with a bright star to the left of it. I thought it was Jesus on his chariot coming back and that if I stared at it long enough, I would see it come closer. Then I started singing the Lambchop's Play-Along song, "This is the song that never ends" over and over and over -- as if I were not in control of it. In my mind, I thought, "I'm singing this because the world is a world of robots who are just doing their thing day in and day out without even acknowledging God" -- something along those lines.

The world looked pristine and perfect and placid. NOW I look back and realize that I saw a bright morning star, and next to the crescent moon. One/both of those are symbols for Satan. I always knew that the morningstar was one of Lucifer's nicknames, but I didn't put two and two together most likely because of the delusion.

Later that morning, I received a package at my door. It was from the Apple store. I hadn't ordered anything but didn't think to question the delivery because I felt so special that surely someone had delivered it to me on purpose. It was a world travel adapter set. I immediately believed it was from Jordan and that he was inviting me on some kind of scavenger hunt that would end in a glorious trip around the world together -- even though he hadn't talked to me in two months and had blocked me on all channels. I immediately got dressed to the nines and headed to the Apple store, but bought a dress at Macy's and a few other items (even picked out a ring at Tiffany's!) before going to the Apple Store. One detail that sticks out in my mind is that the Tiffany's employee noted that the color of the apple on the Apple Store had recently changed to red. Now I see this was a warning sign, like the poison apple in Snow White (I had also begun to believe that all the fairy tales were written about me somehow).

What happened in the Apple Store is mostly irrelevant because what happened after I left the Apple Store has haunted me ever since. I started making a video for my YouTube Channel (which was basically just narcissistic know-it-all rants, in retrospect), and suddenly, my body was completely out of my control. I started talking like a newscaster/documentarian, believed I was being filmed in a different dimension and I looked where I "knew" the cameras were. I began walking extremely fast to an area outside of the mall (Westfield in Century City), where I then laid down on the concrete. I was stuck there. I couldn't move, but I could talk. I began asking for water because I was "so, so thirsty..." and kept wondering why no one would give me any water.

Once I got off the ground -- I don't know how long I was there -- my body began moving me and I started experiencing phenomena that I lack the words to accurately describe because it was NOT of this dimension. I spoke quickly, rapidly stopped and started new topics, saw the "realm" break down into indescribably small pixelated bits, heard my voice speed up as if it were on fast forward... and I experienced spontaneous orgasm that felt like it wouldn't stop, ever -- which sounds amazing at first, but imagine yourself at the peak of the most intense orgasm of your life for even a straight minute. It's torture. I wandered aimlessly around the parking garage looking for Jordan. I couldn't stop walking. At one point, I remember trying to sit down on some stairs but was not allowed to. My body just jerked itself around. I threw my phone on the ground several times and refused attempts to have it returned, saying I didn't need it. I threw away a $400 pair of sunglasses.

I remember having the "knowledge" that I could channel energy into my feet, if they were hurting, to help the pain. I remember thinking that if I was cold, I could think myself warmer. It seemed to work but only for a few seconds. I marveled at the supernatural "technology" I was witnessing and remember yelling "I get it now" over and over because it felt like all of my "research" had culminated into an ultimate new reality. I had no idea if I'd be there forever or not. I remember feeling amazed but then worried because I didn't have control nor did I want to be there alone forever.

I became more and more desperate in my search for Jordan. I walked straight into an oncoming car because I knew the car wouldnt hit me (I was right). I was also extremely cold, and I ended up back at Macy's putting on clothes right there in the store. Somehow I ended up on a bench inside an elevator area talking to a mall cop named Patrick. I don't know how I got there. Then I was in the back of a police car and the sky was dark.

There are more details but I know at this point you might be wondering why the eff I am sharing all of it... I'm sharing it all because I am scared to death that hell is real -- and that the place I was in was it... isolation and no control, looking for ideal love from another... forever. The "documentary" felt like mockery of the lies I'd been telling myself and others for my whole life -- that I was a good person. In reality, I don't have a real personality because I simply molded myself to fit what I believed were the expectations of others. I wanted to appear perfect and faultless. All of my energy was spent on my appearance. I thought I just had bad body image. I didn't realize I was judging everyone else based on their appearance and that THAT was why I was so bent on appearing perfect: I thought everyone judged people by their appearance. I also judge people on their smell, the way they talk, etc. If they sound like an idiot to me - i.e., they talk slowly, pronounce things incorrectly, etc. -- then I would think they were an idiot for sure, or at least that I was smarter than them.

It says in 2 Thessalonians 2 that Satan "uses all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs, spurious wonders, and every form of evil deception in order to deceive those who are perishing because they rejected the love of the truth that would lead them to being saved. Because of this, God sends them a powerful delusion that leads them to believe what is false. So then all who found their pleasure in unrighteousness and did not believe the truth will be judged."


Before the December 2 event, I had experienced nonstop signs and wonders, and definitely something I had described as a miracle as well. The "spirit" taking over my friend in Marina Del Rey, the morningstar, the red apple... and the overwhelming sense that I had been chosen to usher in Jesus' second coming and that God was blessing me beyond measure. Now I see that I wanted so badly to be exalted and recognized above others, wanted unlimited wealth, etc. and didn't embody any of the things that Love and Light embody.

There are many times in the bible were Jesus talks about hell and several parables about the enemy planting weeds that grow among the wheat that are eventually plucked out and burned. That is what feels like is happening to me right now. That I was sent a powerful delusion to expose me for who/what I really am: a phony, narcissistic, white-washed tomb. Somebody who wants recognition and wealth so badly she inadvertently sold her soul for it. I believed all the thoughts that came into my head were from God/the Holy Spirit. Jesus is quoted several times as saying blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is unforgivable both now and in the age to come. I am 99% certain I have committed this sin. I feel completely cut off from people -- worse than before -- I don't want to be around people because their voices annoy me, I don't care about what they're talking about; all I feel is a compulsion to explain how I feel, only to over and over again be met with compassionate and caring looks and comments, and questions in attempt to gain clarity -- a clarity that isn't possible because there's no way to imagine being separate from Source if you're connected.

It feels like part of the torment... to be unable to think about anything else, to not enjoy anything, to be filled with dread/fear constantly, to walk around separate from the world and unable to understand or truly appreciate/love anyone. To listen to their well-meaning advice that you know you lack the character and depth to even pursue genuinely. I lack desire to do anything. I hate being alone but I also dislike being with other people mostly because their positive qualities that I lack are like a slap in the face. I envy everyone but also dislike them for not being perfect (even though I am far from perfect myself). It makes me angry when someone talks to me with horrible breath or they stand too close to me or speak too loudly about something I don't care about (which is everything pretty much).

Christians believe that hell is "eternal separation from God" and it feels like I have been separated my entire life, but now it feels even more horrible and crushing. Imagine what a ghost might feel like -- being able to see love, joy, and happiness everywhere but unable to feel any of it. Completely devoid of positive emotion. Feeling disdain for people around you because they have a purpose and you don't. But all the while being furious mostly at oneself because it was ME who never sought higher understanding or purpose. My life was all about money, pleasure, and looking good. Anything I didn't understand or like or come up with on my own was labeled "stupid" or "pointless."

Does the Ra Material mention eternal damnation? I only recently realized I never developed true personality, character, or good values, and the shame I feel is crippling. I can't imagine NOT being this way, and I don't want to be, but nothing I do is helping. It feels like I was meant to fall into the delusion (like it says in 2 Thes) that would expose me for the purposeless, light- and loveless fraud I am.

I'm constantly searching my mind for some kind of evidence that this isn't true. My dad says there are no unforgiveable sins, and so many people say if you think you've committed the unforgivable sin, then you probably haven't. They also say if you think you're a narcissist, you're not. Thing is, I didn't think I was -- and thought everyone else was! -- for 32 years!! It's been a slow decline into what feels like my own specially formulated version of hell. I even went to Africa for two weeks this summer and was not able to enjoy it because of the endless thought loop.

And I'm desperate for hope that my albeit very shallow consciousness won't have to suffer torment forever. As bad as I feel I am on the inside, I don't feel anyone deserves this. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around THIS as my reality, especially when I have so many memories as a "good" person. It feels like a setup.

I know that Ra says negative entities polarize positive sometime in 6th density, but I am starting to think there are some entities so negative that they really do get tormented forever. There is a lot in the Bible to back this up, but nothing in the Ra material. In fact, I believe it says that Satan isn't a real entity, but after what I experienced (and there's more I didn't share because it's just so much!) I think the opposite is true. I grew up hearing that the biggest trick the devil ever played is convincing people he wasn't real.

I know this was long so thank you to anyone who made it through to the end. I'm crossing my fingers it makes SOME kind of sense. Thank you for any insight you might have.

Caitlin
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Glow
09-23-2019, 06:48 PM,
#2
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
Hey there caitlin, and welcome to bring4th. It's not so obvious perhaps, but I do appreciate your openness and the attempt to reach out.

I don't think that any one is 'doomed forever'.

I reply to you because I felt recognition to you and your experience.

Whether you understand or believe that you were in some sort of delusion of being a 'good' person, you seem to be in a delusion that you are a 'bad' person now, like a pendulum swinging from side to side unable to find center and balance.

The beauty of it all, I think, is that we don't know, not here. But we can see and feel glimpses of love and infinity, of a creator. Not just in you and others, but of every bit of light that surrounds us. This is your story, and you can be whatever it is you truly have faith in, it is ok for you to seek love and be loved, it is ok for you want to be good, to be forgiven, you are worthy.

I think if not for these negative experiences we wouldn't seek so deeply in the first place, and you seem to be seeking along the right path, in my opinion.

I'd suggest you to try and listen to others, be aware of their reality, even if it's very un-spiritual and mundane, it will help you to re-balance and ground yourself. Take a walk in the sun, visit the mall, or just walk in a park. You don't have to test yourself how good you did here and there, and how well you performed according to some 'goodness'. Just absorb and be aware about the world and people that surround you.

I am not a doctor, but it does sound and feel to me that you have experienced some traumatic and psychotic episodes. Perhaps you might feel the comfort to seek aid from others, be it a specialist or just someone who can help you to stand on your feet and think straight. The world is more than these spiritual concepts and god and percentages and bible, you can find creator in the smallest of small, like some leaves on a tree, their shape, a flower. The creator is everywhere experiencing itself, and all is well.

The road to healing is unknown, but the first step always begins with trust, with forgiveness of self. It does not mean that you won't stumble and make mistakes, but you will be better and more stable, perhaps you will meet others and be able to help them find healing and forgiveness too.

Our lessons are all so slightly different, but if we wouldn't take on these lessons we would never be able to connect and help others who've been through this.

On a side note, I think our current society kind of empowers to strive to be perfect, good looking, gain possessions, status and power. So you are not entirely to blame, but you do have a choice.

It would be nice I think if you were to stay and share your progress with us in the future, believe it or not, but we all benefit from an honest and open heart. Smile
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Cainite, Glow
09-23-2019, 08:53 PM, (This post was last modified: 09-23-2019, 08:57 PM by Glow.)
#3
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
Hi Caitlyn I am going to have to reply to you later when I am back at a computer but I wanted to welcome you. Also wanted to assure you no part of the creator is without light so no matter how dark you think you are it’s just a matter of growth and self awareness until you can excavate to the light within.

If you look through the forum history you will notice we have had many come here with similar delusions of grandeur my guidance has always insisted against pride or anything that inflated ego as it generally is a step in elevating onceself above others and that as you’ve seen is a very slippery slope. Unity means oneness so there can be no betters or worse just illusion.

I look forward to learning from you about NPD because it looking in from my eyes/heart reading your words seems like wounded light. By that I mean a being with the same light we all carry just deeply traumatized enough it cannot see it’s own light, can’t make it shine without recognizing itself, nor can it really see the light of others.

We all deal with our trauma and separation into ego in different ways. Yours sounds like a trickier coping mechanism to break free from but I know you can do it. You are here. You are being honest.
Self awareness from such deep delusions is hard and look at you doing it.

Ok on my phone. I will be back, love to you. Keep doing what you are doing.

Ps by asking for help and revealing all this it is much like a prayer and confession.
Those still stuck in darkness do not pray and confess, you are coming home. One step at a time.
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Cainite
09-23-2019, 11:20 PM,
#4
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
First off, many of the things you mentioned such as impatience, intolerance, wanting to be understood, are common and not relegated to narcissism. I very regularly get impatient with what I deem stupidity in humanity, which is unkind and I know it. But we all have a path to walk.

So, for one thing, try not to make things bigger than they are. And also, and this is just me and my opinion only, don't fit your experiences into a bible scenario. The bible is just words written hundreds of years after incidents that can't even be proven as fact. So a little centering would be good, take a deep breath—it's not as bad as you think. And by the way, no one would call me optimistic aside from business pursuits—I'm rational.

Because you feel isolated, the joy and happiness you see in people around you is likely very skewed. Everyone has pain, even the luckiest most fortunate people. You have had joy and happiness though you may not realize or recognize it.

I'm not big on labels. You are who you are. You are obviously concerned about who you are. And, you mentioned you like animals. This tells me you have a good heart. So I think you are on the right path forward.

I have had many paranormal crazy experiences. I don't label them because there really is no way to do that within the current Earth paradigm. I wouldn't deem them anything in particular other than out of the normal box. And for my part, normal is NOT what I want to be. Smile

Self care is something I would advise. Eat well, exercise gently, walk in nature, and maybe do something creative. You mentioned you thought you were a good writer. I am a writer and I can tell you are good. So maybe write.
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09-24-2019, 02:49 AM,
#5
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
(09-23-2019, 03:03 PM)caitlin87 Wrote:  Hello Bring4thers... this is my first post and it's out of desperation for a shred of hope.

(Fair warning, this is long and there are lots of details. Please feel free to ask questions if you need clarification; I know I am not the best writer, although at one point I thought I was... #barf).

I'm 32 and recently learned I have narcissistic personality disorder. It was after nearly 8 months of delusion I experienced where I crossed so many boundaries, harassed and abused people, made up lies, and believed I was God. I was in the mental hospital twice, and both times I believed it was someone else's fault and that there was some kind of conspiracy against me because there was no way I could be wrong.

I've been in a deep pit of depression and despair since March-ish. My nearly incessant use of cannabis masked it for a while, until it started making it worse, so I stopped. Since then, I've been feeling completely isolated and cut off from everyone and everything. I am stuck in an endless spiral of thoughts of shame and dread.

You see, my entire life I thought I was normal. I thought everyone thought like me and felt awkward like me. I thought I was a good person because I liked animals, got good grades, and saved my money. I also went to church from age 13-25 pretty regularly, but always felt like the black sheep in my group of Christian friends. I didn't know why. I just thought I was weird, not that there was something wrong with me. Now I see, though, that I projected my own thoughts onto them. I was always pretending, but it was so normal for me that I didn't even notice.

What I didn't realize is that I basically worshiped money. I pretended to like most people because I found most people annoying. I thought something was wrong with other people most of the time. If someone hurt my feelings, they were the bad person, not me. Even if someone said something true, if it was negative I assumed it had to be false because I was a smart/nice/good person who wouldn't do bad things.

I remember writing in my journal before that I sometimes felt like I wasn't a "real person" and I wasn't sure why. This realization that I have NPD has been horrifying. I am full of shame. I'm finding it harder to be around other people than ever mostly because I'm envious that they have what I've always wanted: love, joy, awe, wonder... pretty much all the positive emotions I realized I have never had.

Even compassion/empathy. I knew I didn't have it, but didn't think there was anything wrong. I thought some people must feel it more than others.  

I realized I wanted love but didn't love others around me, even though I thought I did (because why wouldn't you love... that is what good people do!). I don't think I truly loved my family and was basically a fault-finder, yet believed I was simply detail-oriented. I didn't want to be friends with someone I didn't consider a "good fit" or "on the same level" as me, and rarely sought out opportunities to meet up with friends unless it was a double date.

I could go on and on about the terrible things I've realized are true about myself. This has been a waking nightmare. It feels like I am far BEYOND STS at this point.

To boot, I've experienced several freaky supernatural occurrences where my body was not under my sole control. One day in November last year, I was hanging out with a new friend-of-a-friend/acquaintance. I was under the delusion that I was "Love" and had introduced myself to him as such. I was basically on the road to declaring myself God but was hesitant to say it openly because I knew people would think I was crazy, yet my inner world seemed to "prove" it to me. We were sitting inside taking a break from walking around Marina del Rey and suddenly my body became totally paralyzed, and our conversation became very strange -- he seemed to take on a not-so-nice countenance all of a sudden, completely different than who he'd been. He basically challenged my identity, said I wasn't who I said I was, etc. etc. and then said we could rule the world together. We don't need anyone else, just us. It was VERY scary. He tried to get me to leave with him. Meanwhile, it FELT like we were in another dimension completely invisible from the rest of the world. People walked by us as we were yelling at each other and didn't bat an eyelash. Then he tried to get me to leave with him and pointed to a small red Tesla outside and said it was our ride. He seemed very agitated. I was determined not to freak out and just pretended -- my usual MO -- to not be afraid. He tried a few more times to get me to leave with him but I refused.

The next day my new friend had no memory of that happening. He did leave me several scary voicemails and a text that he'd jumped from 10 stories up and didn't die.

Over the next month I ended up stumbling across David Wilcock on Gaia along with Corey Goode and Edge of Wonder.  I was blown away. I had always pooh-poohed all of the metaphysical stuff mainly because it didn't fit in with what I'd been taught was right according to the Bible. Finding out that aliens were real -- and finding the Ra Material -- flipped my world upside down. Learning about Ascension and how that fit in with the Bible also exploded my world. I don't think I would've paid it much attention had I not already been delusional and vaping a ton of THC.

But I was still in the delusion and it got stronger and stronger. I felt like an anointed/chosen Being even though I had no evidence that was true. It felt true and I wondered why God had chosen me, and concluded that it was because I was so humble to not realize that I was "chooseable". My brain was coming up with the most far-fetched explanations for EVERYTHING that was happening to me. I believed i knew the date Jesus was coming back, and felt I had gained true understanding of the Bible and the way the universe worked. Then I started to believe I truly was God. I started believing that I was Mary Magdalene reincarnated to herald in the Divine Feminine, that I was God's wife/equal ("Jesus in female form"/the female Jesus) and was finding it harder and harder to keep it a secret because I, as a narcissist (who still had no idea she was a narcissist) wanted the recognition and admiration so badly after having felt rejected my entire life. The reality is, though, that I was the one rejecting everyone... especially if they didn't seem to recognize how awesome I was. I really wasn't that awesome, though.

The crazy thing is that even though I believed i was the female Jesus, I was obsessed with a guy named Jordan that I'd met in July. He was a Christian, and at one point I believed he was the "vessel" Jesus had chosen to channel through for the Second Coming. He ended up filing a restraining order against me because of my incessant attempts to contact him because I just couldn't accept that Jordan didn't want to talk to me. As a narcissist, I apparently have no ability to recognize boundaries or consider other people's feelings because mine matter more. Gross, I know.

On December 1, I was back in LA (after having moved to Phoenix from FL because "Florida was toxic" -- I believed everyone in my family was against me). I'd gone with a coworker to see Rob Bell (a former pastor; now speaker and author). His show was called "The Holy Shift." I wholeheartedly expected Rob Bell to bring me up on stage as a special guest. (He didn't.)

The next morning I woke up and things felt... different. I was reading the bible on my iPad and then I felt like going out on the patio of my hotel room. When I got out there, I saw a crescent moon with a bright star to the left of it. I thought it was Jesus on his chariot coming back and that if I stared at it long enough, I would see it come closer. Then I started singing the Lambchop's Play-Along song, "This is the song that never ends" over and over and over -- as if I were not in control of it. In my mind, I thought, "I'm singing this because the world is a world of robots who are just doing their thing day in and day out without even acknowledging God" -- something along those lines.

The world looked pristine and perfect and placid. NOW I look back and realize that I saw a bright morning star, and next to the crescent moon. One/both of those are symbols for Satan. I always knew that the morningstar was one of Lucifer's nicknames, but I didn't put two and two together most likely because of the delusion.

Later that morning, I received a package at my door. It was from the Apple store. I hadn't ordered anything but didn't think to question the delivery because I felt so special that surely someone had delivered it to me on purpose. It was a world travel adapter set. I immediately believed it was from Jordan and that he was inviting me on some kind of scavenger hunt that would end in a glorious trip around the world together -- even though he hadn't talked to me in two months and had blocked me on all channels. I immediately got dressed to the nines and headed to the Apple store, but bought a dress at Macy's and a few other items (even picked out a ring at Tiffany's!) before going to the Apple Store. One detail that sticks out in my mind is that the Tiffany's employee noted that the color of the apple on the Apple Store had recently changed to red. Now I see this was a warning sign, like the poison apple in Snow White (I had also begun to believe that all the fairy tales were written about me somehow).

What happened in the Apple Store is mostly irrelevant because what happened after I left the Apple Store has haunted me ever since. I started making a video for my YouTube Channel (which was basically just narcissistic know-it-all rants, in retrospect), and suddenly, my body was completely out of my control. I started talking like a newscaster/documentarian, believed I was being filmed in a different dimension and I looked where I "knew" the cameras were. I began walking extremely fast to an area outside of the mall (Westfield in Century City), where I then laid down on the concrete. I was stuck there. I couldn't move, but I could talk. I began asking for water because I was "so, so thirsty..." and kept wondering why no one would give me any water.

Once I got off the ground -- I don't know how long I was there -- my body began moving me and I started experiencing phenomena that I lack the words to accurately describe because it was NOT of this dimension. I spoke quickly, rapidly stopped and started new topics, saw the "realm" break down into indescribably small pixelated bits, heard my voice speed up as if it were on fast forward... and I experienced spontaneous orgasm that felt like it wouldn't stop, ever -- which sounds amazing at first, but imagine yourself at the peak of the most intense orgasm of your life for even a straight minute. It's torture. I wandered aimlessly around the parking garage looking for Jordan. I couldn't stop walking. At one point, I remember trying to sit down on some stairs but was not allowed to. My body just jerked itself around. I threw my phone on the ground several times and refused attempts to have it returned, saying I didn't need it. I threw away a $400 pair of sunglasses.

I remember having the "knowledge" that I could channel energy into my feet, if they were hurting, to help the pain. I remember thinking that if I was cold, I could think myself warmer. It seemed to work but only for a few seconds. I marveled at the supernatural "technology" I was witnessing and remember yelling "I get it now" over and over because it felt like all of my "research" had culminated into an ultimate new reality. I had no idea if I'd be there forever or not. I remember feeling amazed but then worried because I didn't have control nor did I want to be there alone forever.

I became more and more desperate in my search for Jordan. I walked straight into an oncoming car because I knew the car wouldnt hit me (I was right). I was also extremely cold, and I ended up back at Macy's putting on clothes right there in the store. Somehow I ended up on a bench inside an elevator area talking to a mall cop named Patrick. I don't know how I got there. Then I was in the back of a police car and the sky was dark.

There are more details but I know at this point you might be wondering why the eff I am sharing all of it... I'm sharing it all because I am scared to death that hell is real -- and that the place I was in was it... isolation and no control, looking for ideal love from another... forever. The "documentary" felt like mockery of the lies I'd been telling myself and others for my whole life -- that I was a good person. In reality, I don't have a real personality because I simply molded myself to fit what I believed were the expectations of others. I wanted to appear perfect and faultless. All of my energy was spent on my appearance. I thought I just had bad body image. I didn't realize I was judging everyone else based on their appearance and that THAT was why I was so bent on appearing perfect: I thought everyone judged people by their appearance. I also judge people on their smell, the way they talk, etc. If they sound like an idiot to me - i.e., they talk slowly, pronounce things incorrectly, etc. -- then I would think they were an idiot for sure, or at least that I was smarter than them.

It says in 2 Thessalonians 2 that Satan "uses all kinds of counterfeit miracles, signs, spurious wonders, and every form of evil deception in order to deceive those who are perishing because they rejected the love of the truth that would lead them to being saved. Because of this, God sends them a powerful delusion that leads them to believe what is false. So then all who found their pleasure in unrighteousness and did not believe the truth will be judged."


Before the December 2 event, I had experienced nonstop signs and wonders, and definitely something I had described as a miracle as well. The "spirit" taking over my friend in Marina Del Rey, the morningstar, the red apple... and the overwhelming sense that I had been chosen to usher in Jesus' second coming and that God was blessing me beyond measure. Now I see that I wanted so badly to be exalted and recognized above others, wanted unlimited wealth, etc. and didn't embody any of the things that Love and Light embody.

There are many times in the bible were Jesus talks about hell and several parables about the enemy planting weeds that grow among the wheat that are eventually plucked out and burned. That is what feels like is happening to me right now. That I was sent a powerful delusion to expose me for who/what I really am: a phony, narcissistic, white-washed tomb. Somebody who wants recognition and wealth so badly she inadvertently sold her soul for it. I believed all the thoughts that came into my head were from God/the Holy Spirit. Jesus is quoted several times as saying blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is unforgivable both now and in the age to come. I am 99% certain I have committed this sin. I feel completely cut off from people -- worse than before -- I don't want to be around people because their voices annoy me, I don't care about what they're talking about; all I feel is a compulsion to explain how I feel, only to over and over again be met with compassionate and caring looks and comments, and questions in attempt to gain clarity -- a clarity that isn't possible because there's no way to imagine being separate from Source if you're connected.

It feels like part of the torment... to be unable to think about anything else, to not enjoy anything, to be filled with dread/fear constantly, to walk around separate from the world and unable to understand or truly appreciate/love anyone. To listen to their well-meaning advice that you know you lack the character and depth to even pursue genuinely. I lack desire to do anything. I hate being alone but I also dislike being with other people mostly because their positive qualities that I lack are like a slap in the face. I envy everyone but also dislike them for not being perfect (even though I am far from perfect myself). It makes me angry when someone talks to me with horrible breath or they stand too close to me or speak too loudly about something I don't care about (which is everything pretty much).

Christians believe that hell is "eternal separation from God" and it feels like I have been separated my entire life, but now it feels even more horrible and crushing. Imagine what a ghost might feel like -- being able to see love, joy, and happiness everywhere but unable to feel any of it. Completely devoid of positive emotion. Feeling disdain for people around you because they have a purpose and you don't. But all the while being furious mostly at oneself because it was ME who never sought higher understanding or purpose. My life was all about money, pleasure, and looking good. Anything I didn't understand or like or come up with on my own was labeled "stupid" or "pointless."

Does the Ra Material mention eternal damnation? I only recently realized I never developed true personality, character, or good values, and the shame I feel is crippling. I can't imagine NOT being this way, and I don't want to be, but nothing I do is helping. It feels like I was meant to fall into the delusion (like it says in 2 Thes) that would expose me for the purposeless, light- and loveless fraud I am.

I'm constantly searching my mind for some kind of evidence that this isn't true. My dad says there are no unforgiveable sins, and so many people say if you think you've committed the unforgivable sin, then you probably haven't. They also say if you think you're a narcissist, you're not. Thing is, I didn't think I was -- and thought everyone else was! -- for 32 years!! It's been a slow decline into what feels like my own specially formulated version of hell. I even went to Africa for two weeks this summer and was not able to enjoy it because of the endless thought loop.

And I'm desperate for hope that my albeit very shallow consciousness won't have to suffer torment forever. As bad as I feel I am on the inside, I don't feel anyone deserves this. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around THIS as my reality, especially when I have so many memories as a "good" person. It feels like a setup.

I know that Ra says negative entities polarize positive sometime in 6th density, but I am starting to think there are some entities so negative that they really do get tormented forever. There is a lot in the Bible to back this up, but nothing in the Ra material. In fact, I believe it says that Satan isn't a real entity, but after what I experienced (and there's more I didn't share because it's just so much!) I think the opposite is true. I grew up hearing that the biggest trick the devil ever played is convincing people he wasn't real.

I know this was long so thank you to anyone who made it through to the end. I'm crossing my fingers it makes SOME kind of sense. Thank you for any insight you might have.

Caitlin

Welcome, Caitlin!

I hear you loud and clear. Would love to have a private chat with you.

Feel free to drop me a PM if interested
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09-24-2019, 09:20 AM,
#6
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
You have brothers and sisters here! I can certainly echo your experiences but perhaps not so extreme. There are not enough Jesus's in the world, and no need to give up faith and torment yourself for who you are. Actually I feel I'm in a similar situation and it was so wonderful to read and know I'm not alone.
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09-24-2019, 11:37 AM,
#7
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
In the Bible it talks about how God hardens hearts and takes away understanding. I believe this has happened to me. I find myself unable to understand pretty much anything people say -- and much of what people write.

I always thought I was a smart, intelligent person because I did well in school, but upon lengthy reflection and brutal honesty, I see that I did well in school because I was in a Florida public school, chose "easy" classes, and was really good at bullsh*tting my way through most everything. My objective was to look good and be the best -- or at least perceived that way.

Aside from my spelling/punctuation skills, I didn't develop any particular talents. I see now that I avoided things that I wasn't great at (most things) because I didn't want people to see me look bad. I was in chorus growing up from 3rd-12th grade and it was easy to blend in -- sometimes I just mouthed the words because I knew my voice didn't make a difference anyway.

I have been super body conscious for my entire life, too. I can remember seeing photos of myself in 5th grade and scrutinizing how big I looked and felt. I have been around 5'6" since I was 11/12 years old and have never felt happy with my body, yet I was never able to stick to any kind of workout plan long term. I have no self-discipline because, as a narcissist, my motivation always came from impressing and looking good for other people, not because I felt I had worth intrinsically. Having discovered now that I don't have a "real self" -- only an ego that has been shattered -- and having all of my "supply" taken away, I am basically a listless robot.

I realized I never had any goals or aspirations other than to travel and see the world with the love of my life who I realized doesn't exist because narcissists have impossibly high standards for their mates and no one is ever going to meet that standard. It's a standard I don't even meet myself! I expect basically a Ken doll. I wouldn't date someone who didn't work out, someone with a belly or really any "flaws" of any kind.

Ironically, I was married for 8 years to someone who didn't meet that standard at all. He left in September last year and that is when things really started to unravel. I felt like God was setting me free from the prison I lived in with the husband who controlled me -- because he didn't let me do what I wanted ALL the time. I accused him regularly of trying to run my life when he "put his husbandly foot down." Now I see that *I* was running his life. Thing is, I always thought he wanted/needed me to. When we were packing up our first house to move to South America for a year, he asked me to tell him what to do because he literally had no idea. But often I would assume he had no idea what he was doing and would try to take over. sometimes taking paper/pen away from him in a huff because the slowness was excruciating.

I was even envious of him because he was so slim and had a hard time gaining weight. But I constantly nitpicked him -- I knew where all his "flaws" were. Like where the random hairs grow out of a patch of skin on his back. I would pick imperfections on his skin and would see whiteheads on his face and ask (or sometimes not ask, I just did it) to pop them.

I have lived a life of hedonism. Yet I have noticed a pattern that I was always underwhelmed/disappointed in most of my travel experiences. Until now, I always blamed the place or the people there... not myself. I've always noticed what could be better and focused on that instead of noticing how good things already are.

My ears perk up in conversations as if I expect to hear my name uttered. I don't feel -- and have never felt -- pulled to help other people. Unless there was something in it for me, that is. If someone didn't want to do something I wanted them to do, I never asked them again because I assumed it was because they didn't like me. Now I see that I simply decided I didn't like them *because* they didn't want to help me the way I wanted them to.

I was completely blind to all of my flaws. I thought my only flaw was obsessing over food/exercise. I never linked that to vanity. Now I see that I am extremely vain. Depending on who I was going to see that day, I adjusted myself accordingly. I had a weekly beauty routine -- 1x a week getting my hair washed in a salon, nails done every 2-3 weeks, lashes done every 3-4 weeks. If my hair or nails or lashes weren't "done" I'd all but panic about it, and definitely feel "ugly" until I was back to normal. I see how my entire life/self worth revolved around my outer shell and not my inside world at all. I paid NO attention to my inside world because I thought I was a good person by default. Not perfect, but definitely not so flawed as I truly was.

The delusions of grandeur continued even when I wasn't using THC. I stopped for 7 weeks, actually, because the batteries all died and I thought God was telling me I didn't need it anymore. EVERYTHING that I happened, I applied some kind of divine meaning to it. If I felt like going shopping, it meant I could buy whatever I wanted -- "Jesus" (or Jordan, it changed a lot) was taking me shopping.

I thought all I had to do was wait for the new, better world to become visible to everyone. Soon everyone would see I was right about it all!, I thought. My whole life has been about being right and proving it. I spent eight months almost completely isolated, obsessed with myself, and trying to prove I was NOT crazy and that everyone else in my life was bad. I told so many lies -- that my ex husband abused me (by having sex with me when I didn't want to, I called that marital rape), that my mom had Alzheimer's, that my dad molested me, that Jordan sexually assaulted me... I wrote letter after letter to the judge in my divorce case trying to convince him that Ben was bad. I even attempted to file a domestic violence case against him in hopes that he would be arrested and sent to jail so he would know what it was like to be held against his will (I blamed him for my mental hospital visits).

Looking back, I did constantly feel fear that none of what I believed was real, yet I continued to believe it. I have memory of feeling like "Well, it's too late to turn back now. I can't be wrong; it'd be too humiliating. So I have to be right somehow."

I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder twice, BUT THE WHOLE TIME... I was just a fatally wounded narcissist in a rage.

And that's why it all feels like a setup and that there is a reason I never understood the Bible growing up, but now I do... and I see how Jesus speaks against people like me, and I have found all the verses that prove that I am the OPPOSITE of everything I thought I was and that I have committed an unforgivable sin.

Plus, I saw the Satanic symbols. Being paralyzed in a different dimension. Having my body do/see/feel things completely out of my control. The feelings and "messages" I would receive in my environment that in my mind proved to me that God was "guiding" me are still there, but now they are feelings and messages of damnation. It feels like hell, and I wonder if it is, and it feels like it's getting worse. It's hard to understand people when they talk. It feels surreal when I talk to others because I feel SO cut off/isolated that I find myself shocked that people can even see me.

I try to talk to people about it. I end up irritated because I know they can't understand and could never validate my experience because it was a unique delusion. I've been to counselors. They want me to be on antidepressants. No one believes I'm a narcissist, and if anyone does believe, they just say, "Well, just stop being a narcissist!" and my Christian friends just say, "Just repent! God will forgive you!" and I find myself arguing with them that I really did commit the sin that Jesus Himself says is unforgivable and thinking they are dumb because they don't believe those parts of Bible are true. They show me verses that says God loves the world and that that includes me. I try to explain that by becoming/being a narcissist (I don't know if I was born this way or not; it feels like I was) you make yourself God on Earth. You preclude yourself from repenting because you literally don't feel you need forgiveness because you think you're such a great/innocent person.

Not having a personality is REALLY BAD. Waking up after 32 years to realize you've been perpetually lying to yourself and everyone else is literally a nightmare. Not having true character or values is really bad. It isn't like I can just decide "Okay, now I love everyone, envy no one, and want to do my best work to help other people at all times!" Especially since I realized I don't have any real skills. I have been really good at getting people to do things for me. Usually by complimenting them or paying them handsomely. I've always had money and felt like that was my security. I had no idea that it was an idol for me because I didn't know life any other way. Always thought I'd have plenty of money yet was afraid of losing it because I think deep down inside I knew I didn't truly earn it.

Being this way feels like being trapped in a doorless fiberglass room. I can see out, and people can see in, but I can't get out and nothing can penetrate the walls. To think I did this to myself makes me enraged at myself. So much shame. How can someone ever ascend when they live in so much shame/fear? And then if the Bible is true and God sent this "powerful delusion" and all those satanic symbols were true indications of who was really behind everything... is there ANY hope? The Bible is full of pretty damning verses against evil people, and narcissists are very evil. Rotten to the core. I don't WANT to be this way, but I can't imagine being any other way because I've always been like this. Being thoughtful doesn't come naturally to me.

I used to think about suicide a lot, but I am far too scared and know that it would only speed up the highway to hell I feel that I'm on. And it would devastate my family. However, I feel disconnected even from them and part of me doesn't understand why they even love me after everything I did and said about them. For a long time I thought they weren't as smart as me because they didn't have as much money as me... money was everything to me and I didn't even realize it. But I realize that the reason I have a hard time understanding why they love me even though I don't do anything for them is because their love is unconditional. My "love" never was. I "loved" only insofar as the person in my life was useful to me in some way or made me feel a certain way. Now that I see this, I'm absolutely disgusted by it.

I just don't know what to do about any of it. Narcissists who become aware of their narcissism are basically stuck in perpetual boredom and shame. I feel like my only options are to just keep talking about it while no one understands (nor can they do anything about it), or continue faking being a happy, good person. But faking it is excruciating. I KNOW I'm being fake now. Before, I thought I was just being nice by pretending to care about what someone was talking about. Like if I saw someone doing a FB Live video, in my mind it was like, "I wonder if they know that people don't care what they have to say" -- and that was because *I* didn't care. I also was hypercritical about whatever they talked about because I was certain they were just pretending to care/have a clue... when really, it was always ME who was just pretending to care/have a clue.

That's the curse of narcissism. You think everyone's like you and so you don't like them, but you don't KNOW that's why you don't like them. Until you do. And your entire world falls apart because it wasn't real at all.

So I live every day in perpetual torment, and I think it is Satan doing it. I have been playing this word game called Wordscapes in Bloom, and the words i find in the puzzle seem to "speak" to me. Like I'll find the word "idle" and "ire" and "sin" ALL the time. "Dead" and "die" and "lie" and "liar" are common too. Once I got into bed and the first word I found was "snooze." It's very strange.

Anyway... some more insight into my prison world. I can only hope (if I can even hope? I don't know) that God will have mercy on me because I sincerely did not know what I was doing for most of my life. But then, as I say that, I remember instances where I DID know what I was doing and did it anyway. I know no one's perfect, but I assumed I was nearly so. I even commented once to my former husband, "It's weird how so many people seem to have so many problems, and we just... don't." Now I see that it is because I barely spoke to him (had nothing of value to say other than what my current progress was on my weight management) and got what I wanted 90% of the time. I avoided conflict and probably gaslighted the hell out of him when he did bring up something I did that he didn't like. I was conscious of some of the things I said... after/as soon as I said them, I'd think, "Man, if he said that same thing to me or spoke to me like that, I would NOT be okay with it." YET I DID IT ANYWAY. I believed I was allowed to say/do whatever I wanted because he was lucky to have me as his wife.

UGH.
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09-24-2019, 02:29 PM,
#8
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
Hi Caitlin,

I am wondering if the following would be helpful for you.
At times of hardship (mentally or physically) I always try to remind myself that I am my own creator.
You are currently living through the consequences of your prior ego.
There is no escape from the consequences that oneself created in the past.
It's part of redeeming oneself to oneself by understanding and resolving products of the past self.

The good news is that this new found awareness brings new beginning.
I always like to ask myself that as a creator with a new beginning, who would I like to create within myself at this moment (this time around)?
And let the answer guide me.

And yes, every awareness of oneself as a whole in any given moment brings a new beginning.
So to answer your original question: No, no one is doomed forever as long as one can be aware of oneself as a whole not just the mere ego that one projects.
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Glow
09-24-2019, 03:11 PM,
#9
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
(09-24-2019, 02:29 PM)Scah Wrote:  Hi Caitlin,

I am wondering if the following would be helpful for you.
At times of hardship (mentally or physically) I always try to remind myself that I am my own creator.
You are currently living through the consequences of your prior ego.  
There is no escape from the consequences that oneself created in the past.
It's part of redeeming oneself to oneself by understanding and resolving products of the past self.

The good news is that this new found awareness brings new beginning.
I always like to ask myself that as a creator with a new beginning, who would I like to create within myself at this moment (this time around)?
And let the answer guide me.

And yes, every awareness of oneself as a whole in any given moment brings a new beginning.
So to answer your original question: No, no one is doomed  forever as long as one can be aware of oneself as a whole not just the mere ego that one projects.

That's just it... I was ONLY an ego. I didn't know anything else. It's like I'm not a Self at all. And I'm so lost and enraged and ashamed and scared now. I never built a true character so now that the ego has shattered, there's nothing inside to build. I was basically hollow inside and depended on my exterior to mask the empty interior.

It doesn't feel possible to recover from this at all, and that is why I feel damned.
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Glow
09-24-2019, 03:58 PM,
#10
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
Time heals, give yourself some time and space.
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"Listen."
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09-24-2019, 07:42 PM,
#11
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
(09-23-2019, 03:03 PM)caitlin87 Wrote:  is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?

No.

There is no self in the sense of separate individuality, yet there is one prevailing identity.
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09-24-2019, 11:24 PM, (This post was last modified: 09-25-2019, 12:01 AM by Cainite.)
#12
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
I tortured myself for years. kinda ruined some of the best years of my life by thinking I'm black (energetically) and beyond redemption.
And when I came here first, I was delusional too.. the main cause of it was not being able to accept myself and having no hope for redemption

But now I think I'm white/golden (energetically). it may take some time.. but if u seek to forgive/accept the self, u will.

Let me tell you, even those that are more enlightened still carry some ego and a lot of scars. and what enlightened them was acceptance of this part of self that's dark.
for example, that desire for showing off still sometimes surfaces, it's about condemning/denying it or accepting it and letting it go..

If you choose to forgive humanity's darkside you're one step ahead of those that think that they don't include this dark side..
So what I say is, to use your dark past as an advantage.

What matters is that now you're realizing things. and slowly it will be fixed, plz don't give up.
Forgive yourself. and if you can, ask those that you've hurt for forgiveness..
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09-25-2019, 06:58 AM,
#13
RE: is anyone doomed forever? 100% STS? Soul fragmentation?
I know this isn't a fashionable point of view but I think it can take a long time to recover from massively overusing weed. "Give yourself time and space" is good advice.
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